9 months and a few weeks sober with a almost new life.

Yes! 9 months baby! Life is about the same except for the fact that I'm no longer with Trent. Sobriety is an eye opener for sure. I don't think I should have to settle in one part of my life while the rest is taking off and I'm doing so much that I didn't think I could do. Since I'm a mess and don't have my life together we are still living together but our problems are officially separate  I stay sober and he drinks and I'm officially done wrecking myself over it. I love him, but that deep love is pretty much gone. I couldn't make things work as hard as a tried, and sometimes you just have to quit before you break. I'm very hopeful for the future and although things are super weird now, I have complete faith everything will work out and that I will one day end up where I'm suppose to be, and wherever that is I will surely be there SOBER!

Till next time----

Sober/Blessed/Thankful - Rachel

Life in general

I have been M.I.A. from my blog for a minute, sorry. Life is crazy. That's all there is to it. Ive been taking mine back and I have to say it feels good. My relationships with the people around me are getting better and I'm learning to let go of all the control that I thought I HAD to have. One day at a time is hard, but its paying off. I'm now 8 months and a few days sober. I still feel great. I'm down about 73ish pounds. I'm happy. I'm working. I'm making new friends.

When I started this blog I had a lot of high hopes that I think were unreasonable. I wanted to help people while trying to help myself. Basically I was a crazy person and looking back, unrealistically positive. Ive had so many breakdowns that I have kept private. I wish I could go back and share those thoughts. Being sober IS NOT easy. I do want to drink still. I think about it a lot. Does everything get better? YES. Is it a process? YES. The process is hard. Mentally, although I feel better, I feel like the craziest person ever. I'm trying to find myself, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want and don't want, I'm trying to be happy while making everyone else happy. Its draining. Letting go of shit and realizing I cant be EVERYBODY'S captain save a hoe is hard for me. I hate struggling myself, and seeing other people there, the people I care about, HURTS. I hit rock bottom and that's what it took for me to get better and I have to just let everybody get there for themselves. When you have someone enabling you and keeping you afloat you're never going to hit rock bottom and YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. Ever. So yeah. That's that.

That control thing, I really wanna share on. Trent, my boyfriend, quit drinking with me for awhile. He started back again and it made me want to stab his eyes out. I feel like when I say what I'm about to say that I'm NOT offending him, but he has a rage monster. If you think it sounds offensive, ask the people around you how you act. I bet they have met your rage monster and cant stand it either. I myself have one. I stripped down naked one night and punched a friend in the face. You can say you are a happy horny drunk all you want but that monster does come out. ANYWAY, Trent has one. And I don't like it. I wanted him to quit drinking and be sober and happy with me forever. OH RACHEL. I cant control his sobriety, but I can control mine. Fighting and screaming was my only resort, or so I though. Instead of leaving him, I just leave. When he wants to drink I take myself out of the situation. He has his fun and I try to have mine. I don't know how long this will work, but it works now and I'm fine with that. Nobody made me quit drinking, I don't think anyone could have. I need to be understanding of that with him. When he is ready he will and me being a controlling bitter girlfriend isn't going to make it happen. We had a bad night awhile back and because of it HE made a choice to slow down A LOT. I'm proud of him. It still kills me when he decides to drink when he does, but I have to remind myself that MY problem is mine. I cant make everyone around me be an alcoholic so that they will somehow want to fix their problem. Sounds crazy, but I've talked to enough of US, to know that its true for more than just myself.

I'm going to try and get back in touch with my blog, I still see its being read and I appreciate the love I've gotten and the words of encouragement. You guys are great. I LOVE seeing everybody's stories, so if you have a blog, please share it with me!

-- Rachel

P.s. I had talked about reading A Million Little Pieces and minus all the controversy surrounding it really loving it. Ive recently read My Friend Leonard (the sequel to AMLP), Sober Is My New Drunk, and Dry: A Memoir... in case you're looking for books to read on recovery :)

Well it has been over 2 months since my last post. Life has been wild to say the least and getting things in order has taken priority! Here is a quick update on how everything has been going!

Probation- Ive finished all my DWI classes, counseling, and community service. All that I have left is my monthly fee and a few AA meetings. After I have finished my mandatory meetings I'm still going to continue going. I love the group I go to and have grown alot closer to my HP and have figured out more about myself than I could have ever done on my own!

Work (or lack there of)- I don't work at the store I was working for anymore. I started making artsy type stuff to try and sell, but that wasn't as awesome as I pictured it going. I'm going to continue doing stuff like it, but not so much for selling right away. I wanna get alot of stuff done and try to attend a trade days like event and sell there. Ive turned in my FAFSA to see about getting money for school and until I figure all that out I'm putting in applications with a few places to look into working somewhere awesome. PREFERABLY Michael's so I can get a discount on art supplies :)

Health - Ive lost about 57 pounds so far. I have 15 till I hit my goal. Which freaks me out because 72 pounds is ALOT! Man I was a fatty! There isn't really anything I can do about the past but try and prevent it from turning into my future, so I'm not too worried about it.

Life in general- My relationships with my friends have been going really well. And I've been hanging out with my brother alot which has been really awesome. Me and Trent have hit a few walls. He wasn't drinking at first and now he is, sometimes alot and its been really hard to deal with. I have so many feelings about it that I'm pretty sure its going to end up in its own post, but its part of the last 2 months, so touching on it wont hurt. I decided with alot of advice from a few people that I was going to let him be and do what he wants and find my own things to do while he is drinking. I cant sit around and watch him drink and get fucked up and it not effect my sobriety- so taking myself out of the situation at least, seemed necessary. Its been 2 weeks since it was decided and things already seem to be looking up. They may not stay that way, but I'm accepting of that. I cant control anybody else and I need not forget it. I love Trent but my sobriety is the MOST important thing to me right now, and needs to be that way until I'm strong enough to deal with bullshit on my own. 

I guess that will be on for now. Ill try and be back and not take so long between posts, but no promises!

Love my supporters and praying for haters--
 thankful, blessed, and sober -Rachel

OH MYZZZ

Its been 431 days since I've last blogged, maybe a day or 2 less, but I think I'm pretty damn close.

MY CURRENT SITCHY-ATION:::

Dun Dun Dun

I no longer work, or so I'm going to assume I don't since the only word Ive heard is less than BIRD. No sweat off my metaphorical balls. There are big things out there for me and I'M GOING TO FIND THEM, WITH A FREAKING CAPS LOCK ATTITUDE, because it is bigger and better than the alternative.
I am 4 months sober as of yesterday, I think, and I still feel AMAZE BALLS. My last counseling session (per probation) is next Wednesday and I'm super sad. I'm hoping I can talk them into a few more sessions just so I get an extra boost of help.

GUESS WHAT. The 4th is around the corner....(TRENT'S GOING TO BE AN OLD MAN) More importantly Its going to be a whole year since my DWI. OI. I wish I could find the State Trooper who pulled me over and thank him for saving my life. I was headed to a bad place and although it STILL took me months afterwards to make the change that I have, I would have never done it without having to face such drastic consequences. I also would have never went to DWI class and met Sergio. Sergio is..... I don't even know how to put it. He was coming home from work one night and was drinking and swerved into an 18 wheeler. Dear God the boy is lucky to be alive. One of his arms is mangled and the side of his face including his ear not being there, is really messed up (for lack of better words). He hadn't had that much to drink, but had he not had a drink at all, he wouldn't have to have surgery after surgery to put his body back together. Sergio is an awesome guy and I really wish I had gotten his email address or something so I could keep in touch, but JUST MEETING him is enough to keep me on the right track. Sergio will probably continue to drink because he probably isn't an alcoholic but I'm sure he learned his lesson about drinking and driving. I just wish he didn't have to look in the mirror and see the lesson everyday on his face. I'M LUCKY, I'm lucky that I didn't have to learn the way he did. I'm lucky that out of the million times I drank and drove I didn't get hurt or hurt anyone else. I'm lucky I got caught before any of the above could ever happen. Anyways, Happy almost life changing day to meeee. And God Bless the Sergio's out there, especially the one who helped me out :)

Community Service has gotten less BOASHJDHFIPSDHBPIF these last few times. I stopped thinking about it as something I HAD to do, and just started to pretend like I work there. Its quite depressing when I don't get paid the next week but its keeping me motivated until I'm finished. I actually wish they were hiring because I LOVE the idea of working somewhere where I'm involved in HELPING someone. As much as people piss me off, I do sometimes like them, and almost always don't like them suffering.

We got new couches. And due to going through 2 or 3 a year we also got Bacon (my meow meow) declawed, so she has no part in ruining them.

Trent now is the proud owner of running shoes and workout clothes. He also has yet to use them.

This was more random than I meant for it to be, my bad, my next post will be more structured, actually it probably wont be. But its going to be alright.


Bittersweet birthdays and sober thoughts, Rachel

p.s. WTF IS UP WITH ALL THIS ZOMBIE CANNIBALISM SHIT THAT'S GOING ON. ZOMG.

Insert something witty here....

Well today is Saturday...well technically Sunday now. It was an awesome day. Trent and I went shopping for Mother's day stuff for his mom and grocery shopping, then made and eated some delicious dinner. Doesn't sound to spectacular on paper (or screen) but just spending the whole day with him uninterrupted and laughing like crazy was by my definition; awesome. We are just hanging out in the living room playing our own games now so I figured why not do a quick posty post. That's my new motto by the way. WHY NOT, instead of WHY. Want to go for a walk? WHY NOT. Want to color pictures of rainbows and unicorns? WHY NOT. Ha ha. Anyhow. Back to my update. Everything is going good. It will go alot better after this next week is over for sure. I finally got ahold of the people for the DWI class... yeah I know, it took a gazillion years. The horrifying news is that its Monday, Thursday, and Friday from 6-10pm. UGHHH. Trent works 6am-8pm just about every weekday and until after 12 on Saturdays, so this is just horse shit. I will get to see him a total of 1 & 1/2 flipping days this coming week. Did I mention UGGGHHHHHHHH. I'm glad to be getting it over with though, especially since it took them over a month to get back to me. By July 13th the only thing I will have to do as far as my probation goes is pay 'em && STAY SOBER, which has so far been pretty easy. OH and pee pee in a cup and blow tubes. :)

I go to my next counseling session this Thursday and I'm actually pretty excited. May is a really depressing month for me with Mothers day being tomorrow and my moms birthday being the 25th. I never really dealt with her death. I pretty much just drank myself to the point of tears and passing out (aka numb) whenever I thought about her or such occasions like today would roll around. In fact its the way Ive dealt with every other grievance in my life. It would be nice to have some kind of direction or advice of some sorts with managing it better. I'm pretty sure bursting into tears in Hobby Lobby is on some kind of No-No list. I really wish I could figure out a way to celebrate things like this to include her, if that doesn't sound too crazy. Ive tried to have family over and it just went terribly bad. I don't know, Ill figure it out soon enough. I don't want to overload my poor little brain and burn out what good brain cells I have left on dealing with the 'tomorrows'. I'm thinking about her and God only knows how much I fucking love her so that's all that really matters.

Onto things that don't make water fall out of my face, Ive started a new mission. I'm trying to declutter and organize my house. This shall include getting rid of clothes that are now too big for me. Its hard. I'm not so much a pack rat, as into restoration, so an old t-shirt to me is just a pillow waiting to be constructed. Same with knick knacks. Mog Podge turns ugly shit into a clump of cool shit on a picture frame in like 24 hours. So far Ive gotten 2 small storage containers. They are still sitting on the living room floor but in the next week they will contain makeup and nail polish. Its just like me to start with something that ISN'T an eyesore. Screw the stink bait, mog podge, action-packed attack dinosaur, perfume, sandwich bags, Windex wipes, Xbox adapter box, etc....that's stacked up on my kitchen island. Ha ha. I already know this is going to be exhausting as hell but it NEEDS to get done. No matter how much I clean it ends up a disaster in 2 hours because absolutely nothing has its own place anymore. We have a drawer designated for silverware, every other drawer in our house is a junk drawer. NO JOKE.

This post is a hot mess. Never again will I post with a migraine at 3am.

Jumbled brain farts and sober thoughts, Rachel

hey girl hey.

Hey readers! How are y'all doing?

For me this week has been a BLAH one. I kind of got laid off, hopefully its temporary because I really don't want to find a new job. It really sucks but was kind of predictable with things being slow, it happens though and I completely understand. I think more than anything my pride was hurt because although Trent can take care of all my fees and shit for me I really wanted to do it MYSELF. Ive never really had anything I HAD to pay for or even wanted to pay for myself but I really wanted to take care of this. Big fat RAWRFACE for real. Normally after such a crappy situation like this I would have drank myself to sleep and boy did I want to, despite the consequences, but I took it better than I thought I would. I also would have stressed myself to no end but without the anxiety drinking caused, I'm realizing that sweating the small stuff is a waste of time.

GOOD GIRL, you're living and learning!

I had my first 2 hour counseling session on Thursday and much to my surprise I actually enjoyed it. I thought it would be hard opening up to a stranger but it felt really good. The part that was hard to swallow was talking about my childhood and everything I endured and hearing that she was surprised I was alive after everything I had been through. WOW. I know Ive had a rough life but I didn't think it was too extreme. I guess when you go through and talk about ALL the bad shit vs. "this one time", it all comes out like a fucked up Lifetime movie. I'm pretty glad I'm still here, alive and kicking. I kinda fibbed about how often I drank but the amount I could down (at least a 20 pack every time I drank and over a 30 pack on a "good" night) surprised the hell out of her. Apparently when you're drinking fast and A LOT your liver kind of shuts down and doesn't even process it anymore, just spits it right back out.  I'm really looking forward to going back and if I do (have to) find a good job that pays good, I'm actually considering going to a counselor for awhile. Talking to someone and figuring out how to deal with everything I struggle with internally might really help me stay sober in the long run (plus my wonderful AA group). She's pretty understanding for an older broad but I guess being a former addict herself helps her relate more than some snobby old church hen.

Other than everything that's been going on Ive been feeling kind of BLAH. Ive been staying up late and sleeping in and I don't know whats going on. I have pretty much NO ENERGY and overall feel like I'm a funk. I think maybe trying to cut back on caffeine is doing it to me and I don't like that AT ALL. I LOVE my Monsters <3 The thing that sucks the most is that Ive been slacking off on working out and I'm so disappointed in myself. I couldn't take it anymore today and FORCED myself to and I'm glad I did. Now to continue on and stop letting MYSELF get me down. Ive still been keeping up with eating good and I'm 2 or 3lbs (I think) from losing a huge 40LBS!!! I'm really starting to feel great about myself and I'm loving it! I walked to the store today (for a Monster :P) and my body kept trying to jog, ha ha, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY WOMAN!! If I can get my ass to bed early and out of bed early sometime soon I'm going to give my body what it wants, but this 100 degree shit in April can kind of suck it. I'm not about having a damn heat stroke.

Th-Th-Th-That's all for this post folks, until next time...

Rawr faces and Sober thoughts, Rachel

Cmon man.

Well I posted my blog on the Sober Bloggers directory. YAY, I hope my blog gets stumbled upon and is somewhat helpful to people who need a bit of encouragement. It seems alot of the blogs listed haven't been attended to in a very long time, or didn't even last more than a few posts. I would really love to find a few great blogs that I can relate to. I love reading, about sobriety especially, and to me a great blog would be like an awesome book that updates its chapters often (enough) and the characters are ones you can REALLY get to know. Sometimes with my bloggy blog I feel like I should stop going off topic and stick to sobriety alone, but I really think that being sober has changed everything about my life, that without going off topic you really wouldn't be able to see how great the grass on the other side can be! This IS my blog and it is about my life, so why not.

My jerky turned out so awesome that Ive decided to start making it and selling it. I only work a few days a week so hopefully this brings in a little income and gives me something else to do to really dive into and keep busy. I also decided that I'm going to talk to one of the people at my AA meeting and see if its OK that I give them part of my profits. I don't think they would say no, who turns down perfectly good money?

I decided this weekend that I wanted to open a bait store in my garage.... my imagination seems to run as wild as it can. I think we are going to skip the store idea and just keep a couple dozen minnows for us and our friends who go fishing. We talked about opening a legit store downtown though, but not until we see how much it will cost and what we would need to do in order to do it RIGHT.
I really want to open up my own art store as well one day and I thought it would be awesome if the stores were side by side and the name of it would be called.....DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....Beauty and the Bait. HAHA. :) Trent is great at pooping on some of my great ideas but he actually got a kick out of this one.

Well Ive been messing around with this blog and trying to get it out there to the people who would actually find it half ass helpful ALL DAY. So I'm going to go ahead and give my mind and hands a rest.

Sleep well all.

Wild and crazy sober thoughts, Rachel

Interview with a sober alcoholic. HA.

A BIG thank you to Trent who got to live out his Journalist dream for this post. I Love you.

Family/Friends/Acquaintances

How do you socialize with people whose lives still revolve around drinking?
-I wouldn't call it socializing AT ALL. I try to stay away from people who are drinking. Trent drinks a little here and there while at home, but he stays outside for the most part. Basically the further away from alcohol I am, the better. Ive been around drunk PEOPLE once so far and the worst part was the stinky breath. I had a great time just being crazy me but the drunker everyone got, the more distant I got.

Has your sobriety and new outlook effected people around you? If so how?
-I would say yes, both good and bad. Have I been such an awesome inspiration that other people have quit drinking? NO. But alot of people who support me have told me that I am an inspiration and that they are proud of me. As far as it negatively effecting people, I would say my positivity seems to annoy people. Misery loves company and boy was I amazing company for awhile. But that is something that is on THEM. Recovery is one of the most selfish things a person can do and is SUPPOSE TO BE. People need to understand that and GET OVER IT.

How have the people around you reacted to your sobriety?
-Some people don't believe that I can do it, or that the ONLY reason I got sober was because of probation, or doubt that I'm serious about STAYING sober after I get off probation. ALL very wrong. But for the most part everyone is VERY happy for me, and extremely proud. I went from being an absolute trainwreck to actually getting my life together.  And I'm pretty sure the people who got to see me butt-naked running around or got sloppy drunk calls from me are OVER THE MOON excited. (Sorry Teah and Zeke :))

Have your relationships with friends and family gotten better? Have any gotten worse?
-For the most part YES. Ive started talking to alot of my family more than I use to, and have started making plans to go and see them. I always took their love for granted (friends && family) and knew that they would love me no matter what so I didn't think I HAD to be a role model or make any of them proud. Just being me was good enough for me so it HAD to be good enough for them too. I was wrong. Not only do I want and need their love, but also their RESPECT, which I never even cared about before. My relationship with my brother has somehow fallen apart. Before all I wanted was to satisfy him and MAKE him want to love me, I never thought he did. But now I'm trying to learn how to stand my ground and its led to not seeing him as much. He also lost alot of respect from me when he LAUGHED IN MY FACE, when I told him I was going to online AA meetings.

Are there any relationships you wish you could change that were altered by your alcohol use?
-YES. Me and one of my best friends had a terrible falling out. I was drunk and did something dumb and had I not been SO STUBBORN, I could have easily fixed it with an authentic apology. The thing that took me from June 2011 until March 2012 to realize is that just because you did something DRUNK, does not mean that you somehow get a pass. The things you say and do drunk still have repercussions and regardless if you remember them happening, they can still hurt other peoples feelings. Thinking you somehow get a pass has a horrible negative snowball effect that can lead to irreparable damage. To this friend, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. You taught me a valuable lesson that I needed to learn and God only knows how much I wish I could have figured this out sooner. I love you gurl.


You

Whats the biggest difference you have seen in yourself?
-Ive covered this a million times in just about every post I have done so I will keep it short. I am the happiest I have been in my WHOLE LIFE. I'm healthier than I have ever been. I am positive. I feel blessed. I love like I have never loved. I am thankful. I see life different. The biggest difference I see In myself, IS MYSELF.

Whats the biggest difference OTHERS have seen in you?
-A spark. A twinkle in my eye. A smile.

What have you found that you enjoy now that you didn't before?
-EVERYTHING! I love to go fishing, write, play with my dog, make art, make jewelry, inspire other people to BE INSPIRED!

What are you doing now to better your life without the restriction that alcohol has had on you?
-I'm working out. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating better. I'm being active. Before my ass was in a seat somewhere drinking beer and the next day laying around eating tacos and nursing a hangover.

What makes you think that you can stay sober?
-Hope. Faith. Love. A life worth living.



Sober Life

How do you entertain yourself on the weekends that use to be filled with drinking and parties?
-Alot of activities. Fishing has been a big part of my weekends, its taught me alot of patience. Ive also started doing projects like fixing up my spare room, working on my turtle aquarium, and SHOPPING!

What do you do to unwind after a hard day, instead of drinking?
-I read. I also vent to Trent or blog about it. A little Xbox helps too. Ha Ha

Are there any things that have become more difficult for you?
-Not picking up other habits. Ive started drinking ALOT of Monster Energy drinks in place of beer which has been really bad on my health. Sleeping was really difficult at first and even now with always being on the river or lake I'm having a hard time with cravings! I just have to dive deeper into what I'm doing to try and get it off my mind. I also really miss being around old drinking buddies.

What do you look forward to doing with your new outlook on life?
-EVERYTHING! I want to travel and open a business. I want to go to college. Before I was so negative that the only thing I had to look forward to was drinking. I want to be an inspiration to people. I want to help people.

Whats your support system like?
-AMAZING. I have the most amazing fiance ever that has toughed everything out with me. I have 2 great dads that have helped me with everything from advice to lawyer costs to a new door! They are the best dads EVER. I have a great group of friends that stuck it out with me through the worst of the worst and have been encouraging me everyday! Teah, Jen, Zeke, && Deanna you guys are AWESOME! My cousins have been really awesome too!



This/That/The Other

You're only 3 months sober but you must have an accomplishment in that time that you're proud of?
-I think being 3 months sober is an AMAZING accomplishment in itself! Ive also lost 34 pounds and gained alot of self confidence. I look in the mirror everyday and there is a smile looking back at me and that is VERY new to me. Ive started doing things with my life and am trying to embark on new things!

Have the people you looked up to changed at all? If so, why?
-Oh hell yes! I was idolizing alot of the wrong people who seemed really great at the time but turned out to be real shit heads. My #1 person I look up to will ALWAYS be my mom! Ive also started to look up to the people looking back at me at AA.

Some people say they can get sober without AA, what is your take?
-I say to each their own. I started out going to online AA which was great, but when I started going to F2F meetings I really started seeing how helpful it is. To see the emotions in peoples eyes at how bad they want and need to be sober is just life changing. I struggled alot with online AA because there was always alot of 12 step talk and GOD talk, at the meetings I attend its not like that. I'm struggling with finding my HP still so to feel like I'm hanging around people in a building vs feeling like I'm at church really helps.

What can you tell someone that might help in their recovery?
-Don't let other people get in the way of YOU AND YOUR LIFE. Be selfish. Stay positive. It truly is "One Day at a Time".

What is something you would like to remind yourself of in another 3 months?
-You are a strong girl. You are beautiful inside and out. You have something that nobody else has, you are YOU, and you can do anything you put your heart, soul, and mind to.


 One exhausted mind and many sober thoughts, Rachel

Peeeeektures.

I should have just linked my Facebook to this post. It would have been alot easier to share these pictures than what I just went through. 

SCREW GOOGLE +

ANYWAYS. I figured it would be more fun to post Pictures of what I have been up to than just babbling on and on. Of course I'm going to babble under the pictures anyway so it totally defeats the purpose, but this is my blog, so blah.

This is beef jerky of the homemade variety. We cut up a roast and soaked the pieces

in Worcestershire sauce, steak marinade, and liquid smoke overnight.

It is now in the dehydrator getting nice and delicious for my belly. :)

This is my handsome Fiance Trent drawing me

this awesome picture for my 3 months of being sober!

<3<3<3

This is Twinkers and Tiny Tim chilling on their rocks we got from

Twin Buttes.

We are the worst turtle parents ever. This is the new basking light they got.

We have had Tim for years now and this is the first basking light

we have ever had. Sorry guys :( The aquarium is also new. They had a much smaller

one and after 2 days in this one they already seem much happier!

This is how the better part of Friday was spent. LAZY BOYS!!

While fishing this little guy decided I was his new best friend.

I shall return sometime for a real update, but now its time to enjoy some Jerky!

Pretty pictures and sober thoughts, Rachel

Well hello readers, it has certainly been awhile. It seems we have some catching up to do!

Probation – Is going really well. I’m doing everything that needs to be done, OBVIOUSLY. My P.O. is still as awesome as can be and really glad that I’m doing what needs to be done. I guess I make her job a little easier. J I’m really not excited about my C.S. I have gone once and am going to have to go again this week. BOO. It’s just so boring; you can only clean shoes for so long before you get completely disgusted by feet and peoples carelessness for what they put on them. If I had any ambition to do anything that had to do wish fashion, I think I would be a shoe designer. There are some UGLY ass shoes out there, and the fact that people buy them blows my mind, plus if people are going to walk all over me, I might as well get paid for it. HAR HAR HAR. I start my counseling on the 3^rd, which I don’t know if I’m excited about yet. Granted I’m a hot fucking mess and could use some direction, but I don’t know if I'm ready to babble on about what’s wrong with me. Other than that I have a few classes to attend. One is in July and the other one hasn’t been set up yet, due to the fact that every time I call the biatches ignore my call. HELLO MORONS, I’m an alcoholic not an IDIOT. I know what’s up, HOES. That statement can go on the record, FYI.

Sobriety – I'm almost at 3 months sober. WOO HOO. Trent’s mom got married on the 13^th and it was the first time I had to deal with drunken people. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Everyone thought I was being a baby about getting scolded for playing Pantera – Walk on the jukebox, but really I couldn’t take the bad breath and foolishness. Trent’s brother tried relentlessly to fight some old guy because “he stole his lighter”. It wasn’t his lighter at all. IDIOT. I had fun up until the end, but shit, for being my first time around alcohol I really didn’t want to drag it out so damn long. Me and Trent’s niece went and hid in the truck from everyone and talked and listened to music. I loved our time together. I have known her since she was little (she now towers over me by a few inches, she’s 13) and I'm so glad I'm still in her life and that she finally lives here. I did have a lot of fun being sober I just wish it was easier being around people who are drinking. A part of me wishes I could have drank right along with them. Some of that wishing was squashed however when Trent got shit-faced angry at me on the way home and then acted a damn fool once we got there. Not to mention how NOT cute he was bent over the toilet barfing his brains out.

I guess all in all things are going good though. I'm still seeing everything in a different light. We have started getting out A LOT more than we use to and it’s really great.  We have been doing a lot of fishing and by we, I do mean ME. Trent isn’t as great of a fisher as he thinks and I'm on a streak of whopping his butt. More than who gets what, I'm really just enjoying spending time with him and enjoying everything I have been blessed with. I was so use to doing everything with a beer in my hand that I didn’t get to fully enjoy ANYTHING, so I'm still very much getting use to this new lifestyle.

Asshats - I am such a dweller. I don’t know how to not be a dweller but that’s just me. And on top of being a dweller I'm a pissed off and resentful one. I really wish I was an asshole and could name names or even call people out, but this trying to be a better person shit is really putting a damper on the bitch that still resides deep within. I want to say I'm defeated, but I'm not going to give that power to a motherfucking soul. I, Rachel, am content with who I am in this moment and although it hasn’t always been that way, I’ve never been one to call people out on every aching flaw that they have. I never felt like I was better than anybody and I didn’t AND don’t put them down to somehow ease my own “self-hatred”.  I'm about to start making some more changes that I'm not sure I'm ready for but that I think I need. I REFUSE to surround myself with negative assholes that can’t see past their petty fucking problems to see that OTHER people have shit going on too. I know that not everyone has their shit together; including myself, but something’s GOT to give. I try and motivate people, not bring them down. I try to pass on a smile in hopes that it’s passed on, not pass it on so you can shit on it and put me in a bitter mood. I have worked so god damn hard the last 3 months and I don’t expect a parade or even acknowledgement, what would be nice is that if you could see that if a trainwreck like ME could do it, so can you. GET OFF YOUR PITTY POTTY. You are dragging the people around you down. Instead of calling people out and giving them back handed compliments, why don’t you start off with a fucking compliment, even if it’s fake. Try making someone’s day better instead of worrying about yourself so much. Maybe your karma fucking sucks. THAT’S ON YOU. Bringing everyone else down isn’t going to do a damn thing to make anything better. It’s funny how you complain about nobody being there for you and you list reasons that you came up with as to why. Did you ever once think about the fact that maybe it’s YOU that’s the problem? You can’t run everyone off and then blame everyone but yourself, TRUST ME; I’ve done it my whole life.

OI that felt good. Maybe I could use some counseling after all. Ha ha

Random - I’ve decided if I was ever a serial killer, I would want to be the “Baby-faced Killah”, simply based on the fact that somehow at 25 I have the same face I had when I was 4.

With the weight that I’ve lost and the lack of pants that fit, I am now a shopaholic.

I'm also addicted to Monster Energy drinks.

I have fallen in love with Kid Cudi. ‘Cudderisback’ and ‘Cleveland is the Reason’ are my new “jams”.

I DID quit smoking, but as I look back that seemed more like a short term goal rather than long. ONE DAY it will happen.

I’ve really been thinking about going to college but don’t know what I would go for. I'm thinking marketing, Trent thinks business. If I do it, I’ll probably wait till after probation that way I'm not financially stressing us (more than I have already J).

I don’t know if I will ever get use to the fact that everything I own will forever be covered in cat and dog hair.

My friend Manny thinks me saying *“suitcase, shoelace” after he says “I ain’t tripping” is some kind of Texas thing. Dear Chiddy, I love you. Love Rachel.

I'm going to eat a cheeseburger this weekend. I haven’t had one in months.

That is all for my update. I’ll probably have a new post sometime in the next few days. I just need to get my serious thoughts together.

Catchy tunes and sober thoughts, Rachel

*Chiddy Bang- ‘Too much Soul’

My 'bye bye 30lbs' present to myself! I saw a guy wearing this shirt when we were in Midland,
 and with B.O.B's song 'Beast Mode' being one of my favorite workout songs, I just HAD to have it :)
It is also a reminder that working out once a week is a cop out and to keep my ass at it till it falls off!

DANG IT

I'm really frustrated with my last post. I had really hated the post from last week but when I went back and read it, I FELT IT. And it felt great. Like for the first time I had really let it out. And I wanted to share it! Apparently your post can only be so long before they suck whatever random part of it out that they wish. MY GEARS HAVE BEEN GRINDED. Either way, it did feel really good to go back and read what I wrote when I was so damn angry and realize that I WAS RIGHT to feel the way that I did. I have spent so much of my life second guessing everything I do or say that the whole reason I didn't post it to begin with, is because I thought it was wrong to feel the way that I did and that I was going to be judged for MY feelings. They are mine to feel, not anyone Else's. Just one of the many things I need to add to my list of thousands to remember.

The post talked about self centered people and my frustrations with at least 2 certain ones. One of which couldn't care less that I'm sober, and the other one pretty much the same base, but an overall bitch in general. Both of these people I consider friends, or did. And now both Ive convinced myself that I'm no longer going to take anything they have to say seriously. They are using me for some kind of emotional crutch and I am in no condition to hold anyone up, when I myself am limping. I have gone through periods of not talking to these assholes and had convinced myself that they could change. RACHEL, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING. People don't just go around changing when they are used to getting everything they want through manipulative mind games. Until last week I was still being tossed around like a God Damn marionette and I feel like a fucking fool. I'm at a crossroad with just one. The other can forget who I am, and Ill do the same. But at 25 I am still stumped on how to handle a bully. Who do you tell when there isn't anyone to reprimand such childish behavior when being exhibited by an adult OLDER than myself? Nobody... As an adult you work the shit out. Obviously that's not an option. So here is what I'm going to do. Nothing. I'm going to vent and forgot about it, and hope to hell that the bitch has a midlife crisis. Until then.....

Dear Asshole.

You are fucking grown, do you mind acting like it. I know that you have gotten by your whole life by playing everyone like chess pieces, but its time to grow up and give the kids back their games.

Love, Rachel


This post didn't feel as great as the "lost one", but it will do since nothing else will.

Make-up anger and sober thoughts, Rachel

HEY THERE, ITS ME RACHEL!!!

Well I haven't forgotten about my blog. I had started a post last week and got frustrated with it and just turned off my laptop. I don't want to be a negative person but Lord knows my little heart can only take so much. I'm going to leave it at the bottom of this post though. After all these are MY sober thoughts. Anyhow. Things are going great. I had the worst Monday ever yesterday and ended it with a gallon full of tears. Everything seemed to put me over the top, and the EVERYTHING was the littlest shit ever, but that's Monday for you. Easter was different this year. Usually, and this is the real deal, I would have had an Easter beer hunt. I would start drinking Saturday all the way until Sunday afternoon then decorate beers in construction paper. Trent would hide them, I would find them, drink them, then pass out. Ha ha. I don't know how this became a tradition but I'm pretty glad its over. We kind of just sat around being lazy, ate some BBQ, cleaned a little. Nothing too fancy for sure.

 Ive been to 2 F2F AA meetings. I like the group I'm going to. They seem pretty real and down to earth which I REALLY appreciate. I also got called in for my first random UA today, which sucked because I haven't really fully recovered from showing my P.O. my vagina the first time. It was whatever, I don't have a choice in the matter, but its nice knowing shes an older lady and has seen many a beaver and wont remember mine from the next. I'm doing my community service at Salvation Army. It pretty much sucks, but like I told the worker who set me up with it, Its not like its a permanent job, 40 hours and I never have to look back. I think the best part is that I get to wear my headphones and listen to good music vs, the radio shit they play all damn day. I get enough of that lame shit at work. FAAACCKKKKK.

I started back playing Call of Duty, its so weird playing and not being shit-faced, it was my favorite thing to do. I don't know why this is relevant to ANYTHING, but whatever on that too. Ha ha.

Lets see here.....I'm 2 pounds from my 30lb loss. I should have hit it by now but I messed up way bad when I was killing myself to hit it by our Midland trip. I had to take a break and figure out where the hell my head was. I'm going to start working out 3 days a week and eating how Ive been. That 7 days a week thing is for crazy people. I'm still excited with my progress so far. This evening I pulled out all my old pants I had put up and away, tried them on, then put them suckers on hangers so I can actually wear them, BECAUSE I CAN NOW :). Its funny because for so long I hated what I saw in the mirror. I would convince myself otherwise, but deep down I knew I was faking it. I got to the point where I would just avoid mirrors. And its not that it was just the outside, it was the inside too. I can proudly say that I LOVE MYSELF now. I looked in the mirror today and just smiled. Tears almost came out, I'm so happy with who I am, and who I'm becoming. I'm doing SOMETHING. And that's something I haven't done in a long time. Before I would get on this healthy kick and it would go down the drain once we had a 3 day weekend and I would binge drink. I didn't really WANT to change for me, I wanted to change because everyone else was and I needed to keep up, or because I was just bored. I NEED and WANT this for MYSELF and for no other reason.

I'm just fucking ecstatic. That's all I can really say about anything right now. Right now is where I need to be and where I can look back and say, DAMN GIRL, you did the fucking thing.

That's all for tonight's post, there isn't much else to say :) .


Well I had meant to post the lost post from last week but this thing had a different idea, I guess the following sums it up >>> Ive realized since then that I cant deal with everyone Else's bullshit. Fuck em, yeah know. This life is about ME, not everyone else. I was thinking about getting my FUCK U tattoo in my lip covered up, and I decided FUCK NO. Ha ha. I'm going to stay true to me and the attitude that has gotten me as far as it has. As a sort of reminder that I don't HAVE to deal with any other bullshit than what gets Rachel to tomorrow.

Anyhow, THAT my friends is the official end of this post. Love you all who care enough to read my blog and show me love && even the Haters <3

Happy faces and sober thoughts, Rachel

Sunday is bittersweet.

MAN OH MAN, WHERE TO START??

PROBATION

I met my P.O. on Thursday. She is as awesome as I thought she would be, hopefully they don't switch her up on me for some assclown with an attitude problem. I told her that me and Trent had gotten sober and that she had nothing to worry about, she seemed pleased to hear that, especially since she dug up Trent's records and reminded me about his revokes. She also insisted that she didn't want to watch me pee just as much as I didn't want her watching me. Ha Ha, good to know! I get to go wherever in Texas I want without having to get permission unless its for like a week or more, in which I just have to let her know. In order to leave the state I need to be in good standing and have permission, which is GREAT news. Other than that I have alot of classes to do and alot of tubes to blow. I go on Tuesday to set up my community service and also start my AA meetings this week. I'm so excited that I'm finally on my way to getting this done with, its almost been a year since my actual DWI. March 20th 2013, I cant wait to see you!


SOBRIETY

I passed my 2 months a few days ago and it hardly seems like its been that long! ( Me and Trent celebrated with some Doritos Loco tacos!) Its not nearly as much as a struggle as it was at first but its still taking ALOT to get use to. I really want a beer. Right now seems good, but I KNOW that not only can I not drink because of probation, but also because there is no such thing as 1 beer for me. Its a case at least. The summer coming up is freaking me out and depressing me at the same time. To chill out in the sun drinking a cold beer while bbqing and shooting the breeze with friends is as perfect as it gets, and something I sure as hell wont get to do. I feel like sometimes I may make to much out of things, and then I remind myself that I drank ALOT more than I would have ever admitted to and that a change was NEEDED more than even I knew. I wish people around me could see that, understand it, and respect it. But apparently as much as I've stressed to people that probation may require me to be sober it wasn't my deciding factor, I MADE THAT DECISION, beforehand. I'm BEYOND sick and tired of people telling me how to get away with drinking on probation, how to still drink at bars, and avoid breathalyzer tests. It is so fucking disrespectful to me. I'm not on normal probation, I got offered a deal that not many people get. If anyone with a fat mouth trying to discourage me from getting my shit done would actually LISTEN to me, they would have known that. I will not fuck it up for ANYTHING. Especially a "friend" peer pressuring me to have a mix drink at dinner. ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? Do you want me to fail? Someone actually told me that when I'm off probation that I need to practice just having a few drinks and then calling it a night, because "eventually it gets easier"..... Ive been a black out drunk for over 10 years and I'm only 25, what in the fuck makes anyone think that magically I'm going to turn into a social drinker, especially after not drinking for a year? I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN. YA HEARD??!?!?! I don't want to test out the waters knowing that I could go back to the Trainwreck that I was. UGH. I'm really frustrated if you cant tell. I'm giving people once more chance to get their heads out of their asses and then they are going to find out how calm like a bomb I really am.

A few things that have helped post-sobriety.

• Falling asleep - Reading really helps, and on the nights it seems to not help as much as I'd like some Alka-Seltzer pm is pretty boss.
• Cravings - Doing something to take the mind off of drinking is key. Painting, drawing, writing, walking. Anything that can be done spur of the moment and really get the mind and body into it!
• Friends/Family drinking - Due to the fact that everyone is really supportive I haven't had to cross this bridge, THAT in itself has helped more than anything. Just talking to them and letting them know that this means alot to me has deterred them from doing it in my presence. I know it may not be this way forever, so hopefully when I have a tip to deal with it when it does happen I will share what I learn.
• Support - Its really great to have support, but not everyone is going to be there for you. You have to know when a relationship is going to be toxic to your sobriety. If you have friends that make jokes at your expense or voice doubts that you cant do it, you may not want to have that person around. Stay friends with people like this if you cant stand to cut them out of your life ( Talk to them FOR SURE, maybe they don't know how serious you are) but limit what you do with them. Try not to do things with them where they will be drinking.
• Knowledgehttp://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/collegestudents/anatomy/body_nonflash.aspx

THIS WEEKEND

We went and saw my dad and step-step mom this weekend. (I'm pretty sure since shes my step dads wife shed be my double step parent, somehow. Makes since to me so whatevs.) Anyways, it was pretty fun. Not at all what I expected, in both a good and bad way. We mainly went to Midland to get out of San Angelo, do some shopping, spend some time together and then meet my dad for lunch somewhere but they had different plans. They took us to lunch then drove us around to where we were originally going to go. It was super nice of them to pay for as much stuff as they did, but next time I definitely need to let them know in DETAIL our plans ahead of time. It wasn't so bad though, because after all I did get to spend the DAY with my dad instead of an hour or so. Trent got his damn golf clubs finally and some other shizz and I got a golf hat and a DC shirt. We had money to spend and really S.H.O.P but somehow we manged to less than $150, guess that's a win for our bank account.

FROM LARD TO HARD

I was really killing myself to try and hit my 30lb mark or under by Saturday and I ended up screwing myself over. I was working out and burning 500-700 calories a day and only eating 900-1100 TOTAL. My body pretty much went into starvation mode after a week of this crap and it held onto whatever I put in it. I'm going to try this week to balance everything out better so I can lose that 9 pounds the healthy way. However I can notice the difference in my lower body that the 3 miles a day is doing for it. I even bought an actual pair of shorts today that I'm going to bravely wear in public! I'm going to put Mederma on my scars and then use a tanning lotion to try and hopefully feel less self-conscious about my legs but I'm pretty excited altogether.

5 of my favorite songs to work out to.

• Travis Porter - Bananas
• B.O.B. - Beastmode
• Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to my Life
• XV - Awesome
• Chiddy Bang - I Cant Stop Freestyle

 That pretty much wraps up the last week and everything new going on. Ill be sure to update this week with how AA goes and what Ill be doing for Community Service. Until then...

Encouraging words and sober thoughts, Rachel.

OWNED.

I finally got a call from my probation officer! She sounds pretty nice, an elder lady I think. I go in Thursday at 2 to meet her and pee in a cup in front of her. HA HA. She stressed a few times to "prepare to pee". I'm pee shy, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to try and hold it until then. She also told me a few of the costs I was going to have to pay. Nothing too bad except for the counseling. Its a mandatory 3  - 1hour sessions at $100 an hour. I think I found what I want to go to school for. BANKROLLS! She also told me the hours I work aren't important as long as I'm paying for everything. I guess that's their way of making sure YOU are the one that pays and mommy and daddy don't bail you out. I'm going to open my own checking account on Friday so I make sure I'M the one paying for my mistake and not Trent. I'm deadest on doing this Probation thing the right way, and making sure everything sets in. I really just hope Elaine, my p.o., is as nice as she sounds. I'm not a big fan of assholes and probation officers usually take the cake on being the best of the best.


I'm BUSTING my ass to to lose the last few pounds that lie between here and the 30lb loss I want by Saturday. I think its like 5 or 6. I really want to lose 9 (from my weight this morning) since that's my first goal but Me and Jen agreed I was nuts. It was suppose to be 7 but apparently 2 of the pounds I was so excited about losing was water weight and it came back when I hydrated. Dang it. Ive worked out twice today and after this update I'm going in for round 3. I think as much as I've kicked up my workout I may need to kick a little more. I really want to wear myself out and get SORE but it isn't happening. I don't know how good of an idea that is but feeling the burn well after I'm done makes me feel super accomplished.

Saturday is the day we get to see my dad and he hasn't seen me since January, I hope he is super surprised with the new Rachel. I also really hope we have as much fun as Ive been imagining, we haven't spent time together in over a year and I really miss him. We are also going to try and find me a dress for Trent's moms wedding. I tried some on here at a few places but despite my weight loss my boobs don't fit in anything that's my new size. GRR.

That's all for now, I cant stop thinking about a smaller ass and that's not going to happen on the couch.

Busy bodies and sober thoughts, Rachel

Almost done.

Well I haven't updated in a few days. So here it is.

• I got a job.
• I finished the spare room (minus making the bed, sweeping, and moving out 2 pieces of furniture). Pictures coming soon!
• Trent gave me his evil cough.
• We got a new back door put in.
• I didn't get a call from probation yet, so I have to call my lawyer tomorrow and get it figured out.
• I might get to see my dad next weekend.
• Ive lost more weight.
• I'm 52 days sober and still loving every minute of it.

Now to finish Trent's dinner and crawl back into hibernation....

K.I.S and Sober thoughts, Rachel

Dream a little dream....

Well I am down 20 pounds and 45 days of sobriety. And it feels pretty amazing. I keep saying I'm going to start working out but have yet to do so.... until today. I'm starting out slow, not because I'm lazy, but because of my knee problems. I need to make sure what happened before DOES NOT happen again. I was working out like a champ when I hurt it and it lead to gaining everything I lost and then some. I refuse to be back there again. Id like to say I couldn't help it, but all the CRAP I was eating wasn't forced down my throat. I just lost all motivation and everything went downhill. My knee hasn't slipped in a few weeks so I'm hoping the 4-5 months of resting it really helped. I cant even describe how painful it was. I want to work up to running again like I use to do in High School. I was talking to my cousin about healthy vices to replace the ones I've quit (booze, sodas, and nail biting) and I started to remember how much I loved running. It was so freeing, and I definitely miss that feeling. Hopefully with all the classes I'm going to have to do and finding a job I will still have enough time to accomplish it.


My sobriety really is starting to feel super amazing. Ive been doing so many things I didn't do before, simple things even, like reading. My mind is always clear and everything that comes out of my mouth is from ME, not from a blurry drunk or hungover mind. Its hard to put into words what it feels like to look back and wonder if half the things you've said were true, or if you just said them and convinced yourself that they were. Its really great Trent quitting too, although I know he will have days where he is going to, its nice having sober time with him. We spent so much time drinking together I almost thought that when we quit that our relationship would get lost. I'm very thankful that it hasn't! Have I mentioned yet how much I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM.


He has had some pain problems in his back so Ive been trying to help him feel better which basically has been me doing everything I can for him so he doesn't have to get up and down alot. Its been a little frustrating because the main thing is taking whiskey out constantly. He seems to go every 10 minutes and is outside forever so it gets annoying doing the up-down-stand outside thing. Trent would always help when he got off work so yah....GRR. But now on top of his back pain he is getting sick, he even came home from work yesterday. Poor guy cant sleep for nothing between the pain and sickness and all this just happen to fall after he denied his insurance. He's always had it before but never used it because he NEVER gets sick, and BAM, right when he needs it the most its gone. (Not that Mr. Stubborn Ass would even go to the doctor with it.) I wish I knew how to help him out but other than filling him full of soup and medicine I'm kind of lost. He has a strong immune system so I hope he is better by this weekend. I hope to hell I don't get it either, my immune system is shitty as hell. A normal 1 week cold for someone else lasts me at least 2 weeks if not longer. YIKES.


I guess onto the title of this post. I don't know if its nerves or stress but I had a horrible dream. When I  talked to my lawyer last week he was telling me about how people would have one last hoo-rah before they went on probation and they would end up failing their first UA. He was commending me on getting sober before I had to and I guess had a sense of pride that I was taking everything serious and would pass mine. I think that may have triggered my dream. I don't remember alot about it but it was before I was going to start 'probation' and somehow I had all this alcohol around me. I thought to myself that I was sober and was loving my new life and all of a sudden it didn't matter. I drank and drank and drank and just remember being so disappointed in myself once I was drunk, that I threw all my hard work down the drain. I woke up from my awful dream and had to take a minute to figure out if it was real or not. EVERYTHING about it felt so damn real and I woke up scared shitless. Ive had drinking dreams before but they have all been about my resisting. Going on vacation with Jen and Tina to Cancun and them drinking it up and me just following them around with a bottle and not daring take a drink of it. But I knew that was a dream....This one....UGH, I just hated it. I really hope they don't continue and this was a one-time thing, I hate bad dreams. I'm one of those people who remembers dreams, just about all of them, which I think is pretty funny because my memory is so terrible that I have to ask Trent what I had for breakfast the day before. Ha ha.

From Dreammoods.com, I guess it has some truth to it.

Well I guess I covered everything I wanted to. I feel like I could write all day but that would be a waste of all this eneregy I have. I feel like im going to explode! 


Scary dreams and sober thoughts, Rachel

Lazy?

Well I've gotten pretty lazy when it comes to my blog, mainly because I'm trying to become unlazy when it comes to everything else. I talked to my lawyer and got everything signed, I should be getting a call from probation this coming week or at the latest, next week. I really wish I was a few months in by now, but o'well. Its just a year and regardless of when I start I still wont be drinking after so it really doesn't matter. Ive been doing a pretty good job of keeping busy, I did at least 10 loads of laundry on I think Thursday, I still need to put up a good 3 or 4. I don't mind doing the laundry but I HATE putting it up. Especially the stuff that goes in the dresser.

My friend Jen found this little Gem and I'm going to recreate it in my 'laundry nook',
 complete with a real clothesline and clothespins!

I filled some more holes in the spare room (including replacing some drywall, ALL BY MYSELF, pretty proud of that one) and took off the boards over the window so I could get to those, I'll put new glass in on Friday. I really don't know why we haven't done it before now, Lord knows our summer electricity bill has been begging for it, especially since its only like 20 bucks to fix. WTF RACHEL!! I guess that out of sight - out of mind thing has some truth to it. I have a good hour of hole filling left to go and then I get to prime whats left. Hopefully by this weekend Ill get it all done and can start decorating. I still need sheets though and its driving me crazy! Ive found some things around the house that I've fixed up and painted that will really pull it together and also found some knick knacks at    Wal-Mart on sale in the colors of the room too, its bathroom stuff but I have a super cute idea for it. SO FAR its been pretty cheap to renovate (is that the right word?), my DIY skills in large part to that. :) I think I might do something similar for our bedroom if it turns out good. As much as I love my (wo)MAN CAVE, it never got finished and I'm getting kind of bored of it.

Ive quit drinking Monsters and Diet sodas to add to my list of *so good, yet so bad, and now so gone*. The water increase has really boosted my weight loss though. I started drinking Crystal Light Energy again and its a pretty good swap for the Monsters and alot healthier. I sure hope I keep up all these good habits. It seems I'm taking on alot at once and I really don't feel like reaching some kind of breaking point. I'm down over 15 pounds so far and I hope to lose another 15 by April 13th. That's really my only goal for now other than my year goal, which I guess would be at least 50 pounds from my current weight. Ive seen alot of people doing some kind of crazy HCG diet and you are suppose to lose like 1-2 pounds a day, NO THANK YOU. Every time I've ever lost that kind of weight it always comes right back. Not to mention its unhealthy as fuck and leaves you with loose skin. EWWW. Not only that but 100 bucks a month is just insane when you can eat right and exercise for free. People be crazyyyyy! I took a few pictures the other day and when I get to April 13th Ill post my before and afters, (assuming that breaking point doesn't ninja attack me.) I'm pretty impressed with my personal before and after pictures so far, so hopefully these will be the same!

Before I get to my good byes I thought I would share one of my favorite healthy indulgences :)

1 Cucumber
1 Green Bell Pepper
1 Red Bell Pepper
1 Celery stick
2 Tomatoes
1 can of whole kernel Corn
1/4 cup of low fat Ranch Dressing and low fat Italian Dressing mixed

Cut up all veggies to size of your liking, (I prefer mine small so you get good bites of everything). Mix it all together with the dressing and add pepper to taste. I RARELY use salt in anything I cook but if you do go ahead and salt away. I also like to add croutons, chow mien noodles, or almonds to top it off with depending on whats in the cabinets! Feel free to get creative and add anything you might like; olives, pickles, Tabasco, carrots, radishes etc....

Well its Walking Dead time and I'm ready to lay down and be lazy again :)

Healthy steps and sober thoughts, Rachel

One and done...

Well it seems to have taken longer than I wanted to update this thing. I wanted to wait until I got my PTD papers to do so, I guess so I could share them as well as my thoughts on them. Now that I've gotten them it doesn't seem as important. Its more my feelings that I want to share on. Nonetheless here is what it be.

-> My terms are alot of what I expected, I knew there was going to be alot of classes, I just didn't know to what extent. Some things weren't as bad as I thought, or was told. I'm going to sign them this week with my lawyer and get this damn thing started already. Ready or not, here I come. <-

 The arrival of my papers came along with the arrival of more tears. Tears of failure, of mourning, of fear, of anxiety, of  stress.
 I think the part that scares me the most is getting a job. I love to work, don't get me wrong. I just hate people. That sounds terrible, let me elaborate...I LOVE people. I love helping people who need it, I love kind people who believe a smile can change someones day, I love understanding people who see past your appearance and see YOU. I hate the kind of people I have worked with. People like Crystal Bednar. A bitter old woman I worked with at EZMONEY. I loved my job there. I met awesome people who took very well to my smile, honesty, and ear. I listened when they were worried or stressed, unlike Crystal who just wanted to get them out of her hair. Why 5 minutes of your time could be used to help someone have a little bit of a better day could be wasted to just add to the shittyness of it is beyond me. She was a devil of a woman and I honestly pity her. She was jealous that people who came in to see her all of a sudden preferred me, she was jealous that I was young and would get complimented and dare I say hit on, she didn't like that I was ballsy and would tell her like it was, she was just pitiful and bitter. I like jobs like that one, ones that I get to interact with and help people out - but because of the likes of her I now fear them. Everyday I see people working, and most of them have a shitty "I don't give a fuck" attitude and it pisses me off. I wish I was lucky enough to get jobs where I could just be a people person and be happy and be grateful that I have an easy job. People who complain about their "shitty" jobs need to work Trent's for just an hour. GET OVER YOURSELF. I just know I'm going to have to work with idiots like this and its going to take all my might not to go out with a BANG like I did at EZMONEY. That fake blond heifer of a devil tried to call the cops on me for clearing out my desk. The obscenities I screamed at her are of ones a sailor would be ashamed to blurt out drunk as piss in the presence of the drunkest of assholes. Lord knows my positivity can only be tested so much. I found a posting for a job at the Salvation Army that I'm going to apply for and I'm crossing my fingers that they are still hiring and would even consider me. I would love to work for such an awesome organization that's only intent is to just HELP.

I wish I wasn't the type of person who dwells and stresses over everything, but no matter how much I've tried to fight it, its just who I am. I know that this year is going to be alright. I know that financially we will be OK, we have always found a way to make. I know that I have it in me to do this and do it well. I know that I have incredible people behind me cheering me on and reassuring me of all that I KNOW. Its just really hard to keep reminding myself of that. Its hard to stay positive and not just jump to the negative and think "what happens WHEN I fail....". All the things that I'm going to be required to do are all things that I NEED, and for some reason seeing them all lined out and numbered and begging for my signature just scares the piss out of me. I want to get out of this year something I never would have had the courage to seek out myself. I want to learn everything that I can and apply it to the life I want to lead after this year is done. I just need to try and remind myself that its going to be alright, it doesn't take a superhuman to live and let be. This is my life for the next year and it cant be any harder than what I've done to myself and made it though over the last 10 years.

I guess the mourning tears tie into the fear of failing. I miss my mom so much and I wish she could be here with me. If anything to call and tell me that I'm making her proud and that she loves me no matter what. That I'm her daughter and she didn't raise a failure. That if she had to she would drive me everywhere I needed to go, walk my ass up to the door, and wait outside till I came out. Because well, that's just how my mom was. If life hasn't been hard enough without her, going through something this scary is even harder. Not just the PTD but sobriety as well. To be fair alot of my drinking stemmed from her death and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in this situation had she been here. I was trying to mask the pain, the tears, the emptiness. I have nobody to blame but myself but I had very little direction afterwards. I have family everywhere BUT HERE. Phone calls and texts only go so far. I guess I can only hope at this point that I can figure out how to "deal" with her death in a positive manner, and at the end of this have a better relationship with her, or shall I say her spirit? Sounds pretty crazy when I re-read that, but I'm pretty sure its what I meant to say. I want to make her proud still, I want to know in my heart that if she was still here she would be all smiles that I was just the way she hoped that I would turn out, fucked up past and fucked up situations and all. She was a hell of a woman that one.

I guess I can move into a lighter direction since my last tear has seemed to have fallen. Ive been trying to keep busy lately and I cant complain too much. Although some of it hasn't been what I would call "fun", its been rewarding. We fixed the part of the fence that "sausage" (my Jack Russell, Widget) and Tank (think a white/pit bull version of "The Beast" from 'The Sandlot') have eaten through and torn up so they can cleverly escape and cause chaotic glory in the neighborhood. I guess it is in great timing since I'm being forced to go to work and wont have to worry about them. It looks pretty good I might say. It would have been alot easier had they not torn up EVERYTHING we put back there from the spare room. I honestly gave them the benefit of the doubt to leave it be until we had a free Saturday to run it to the dump. BOY WAS I WRONG!! In comparison to how horrible its been, there isn't much work left until we have what can be described as a decent backyard. I love my dogs but man are they monsters of destruction! I still have yet to get back into my spare room, its kind of taken a back seat to the more important fix ups that need to be handled, but I plan on getting in there this week. (hopefully)

My hard work has also seemed to reward my waistline, not so much the scale though. (I'm assuming my fat is being magically transformed back into muscle, which ironically is heavier.) I have a youth sized Bret Favre jersey I've been throwing on here and there to see if there is ever a difference and its seem to be getting "bigger" on me. Bigger is a little exaggerated since my boobs seem to take up half the jersey, but it sure isn't as tight as it was a month ago. I'm in no hurry to shed the weight I've seemed to stack on these last few years. I'm fully aware that it didn't pack on over night and its not going to unpack itself in the same matter. I want to make sure I balance out my eating and 'exercise' (I'm not sure the things I've been doing can be considered exercise, but you pull weeds for 9 hours, rake for 3, and tear down a fence for 2 and tell me you cant feel the burn...) so my fat turns into muscle instead of just wasting away leaving me with old lady saggy skin. Somehow with my fatness I've managed to keep my muscle nicely 'hidden' underneath it. The fact that the only real flab I carry is in my inner thighs is quite alright with me. Even if it is the hardest place to get rid of, it also happens to be the the easiest for me to hide. Ive never been fond of shorty shorts and I love the hell out of some dude's b-ball shorts so that makes it all the more better.

Although today was a little on the emotional side I've stayed positive and all around happy, enjoying the zest for life Ive been reacquainted with. Trent and I went to the driving range this weekend to try out my new driver and I think I might actually let him teach me some things and try golfing out. It would be nice to pick up a healthy hobby that takes place in the sunlight along with the indoor ones I've mastered. I don't know what he will think of it since golf is his dude time, but if its a biggie I don't mind just sticking with our trips to the driving range and finding something else. Ill take what I can get from him since it seems to be so much lately. I really find myself loving the man more and more everyday. He gives up and gives so much to me with little in return and I couldn't imagine for any other reason than he just flat out loves the hell out of me.

I guess that's about all for now. Every dog in a 1 mile radius is going nuts and my little Whiskey wants in his kennel so he can be a part of the madness.

Blotchy red cry faces and sober thoughts, Rachel

Its over already?

Well it's Sunday, which makes me super sad. Especially since Trent played Golf all afternoon and it was a Saturday working weekend. I hate Saturday working weekends, but at least at NOV it's only 2 instead of EVERY weekend like at Martifer. I seemed to have pulled weeds all weekend which proved to be alot more of a 'pain' than I thought they would be. I am sore out of my mind. My thighs, butt, and even hands are screaming bloody murder at me right now. It feels like I got in a bar fight. I really wanted to lay down a brick pathway to Whiskey's kennel but I'll have to do that this week when I'm not walking like an old penguin granny. It was nice being out in the sunshine though, I even got a little burn that hopefully turns into the beginnings of a tan. The only problem with the sunshine is that I'm figuring out that it makes me want a drink. I don't really know why, but both days I was out pulling weeds I had a strong craving. Monster energy drinks have seemed to be my fix for now but I need to figure out how to manage it much better since its always sunny and many days are spent outside and at the lake.

Today I finished painting a hutch for the spare room that I'm fixing up. I love it so much that I'm starting to contemplate putting it in the living room or dining room despite the fact that there is zero room for it. This is not the first time that this has happened with something for the room. I painted a mirror that I keep wanting to put in here as well. I really need to get back in that room and finish filling the 8 gazillion holes already so I can finally start pulling everything together. Filling holes is just not as fun as I would like it to be. Maybe if I just go and buy the colored paint it will motivate my ass. It feels really good to look around and see that I'm finally starting to get things done around here. We are going this coming weekend to find new couches and I am beyond excited. Its been quite awhile since we had brand spanking new ones, 2005 maybe? I'm pretty sure we have gone through over 15 since then, thanks to drunken dumb-ass-ness. :) Next on the list NEEDS to be floors. If I have to look at my God awful floors for much longer I am going to flip my lid.

Not a very good before pic, but it is what it is.

The after, I might still do some artsy stuffs to it though.

I talked to Trent tonight about alot of the feelings I'm having to deal with sober and it lead to a much needed breakdown. Its the first sober tears Ive cried in awhile, and as hard as it was, it felt really good to just let go. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be the last time by a long shot.

All in all for a short weekend it was good. I'm glad if I couldn't really do anything, per se, that I could at least get some things done. I hope I keep it up, maybe then I wont be the only big change that happens over this next year, but mi casa as well. :) Anywho, that is all for now. Hopefully tomorrow I have an update on my P.T.D. terms, I dont think I can wait any longer at this point. -_-

Productive weekends and sober thoughts, Rachel