Well hello readers, it has certainly been awhile. It seems we have some catching up to do!

Probation – Is going really well. I’m doing everything that needs to be done, OBVIOUSLY. My P.O. is still as awesome as can be and really glad that I’m doing what needs to be done. I guess I make her job a little easier. J I’m really not excited about my C.S. I have gone once and am going to have to go again this week. BOO. It’s just so boring; you can only clean shoes for so long before you get completely disgusted by feet and peoples carelessness for what they put on them. If I had any ambition to do anything that had to do wish fashion, I think I would be a shoe designer. There are some UGLY ass shoes out there, and the fact that people buy them blows my mind, plus if people are going to walk all over me, I might as well get paid for it. HAR HAR HAR. I start my counseling on the 3^rd, which I don’t know if I’m excited about yet. Granted I’m a hot fucking mess and could use some direction, but I don’t know if I'm ready to babble on about what’s wrong with me. Other than that I have a few classes to attend. One is in July and the other one hasn’t been set up yet, due to the fact that every time I call the biatches ignore my call. HELLO MORONS, I’m an alcoholic not an IDIOT. I know what’s up, HOES. That statement can go on the record, FYI.

Sobriety – I'm almost at 3 months sober. WOO HOO. Trent’s mom got married on the 13^th and it was the first time I had to deal with drunken people. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Everyone thought I was being a baby about getting scolded for playing Pantera – Walk on the jukebox, but really I couldn’t take the bad breath and foolishness. Trent’s brother tried relentlessly to fight some old guy because “he stole his lighter”. It wasn’t his lighter at all. IDIOT. I had fun up until the end, but shit, for being my first time around alcohol I really didn’t want to drag it out so damn long. Me and Trent’s niece went and hid in the truck from everyone and talked and listened to music. I loved our time together. I have known her since she was little (she now towers over me by a few inches, she’s 13) and I'm so glad I'm still in her life and that she finally lives here. I did have a lot of fun being sober I just wish it was easier being around people who are drinking. A part of me wishes I could have drank right along with them. Some of that wishing was squashed however when Trent got shit-faced angry at me on the way home and then acted a damn fool once we got there. Not to mention how NOT cute he was bent over the toilet barfing his brains out.

I guess all in all things are going good though. I'm still seeing everything in a different light. We have started getting out A LOT more than we use to and it’s really great.  We have been doing a lot of fishing and by we, I do mean ME. Trent isn’t as great of a fisher as he thinks and I'm on a streak of whopping his butt. More than who gets what, I'm really just enjoying spending time with him and enjoying everything I have been blessed with. I was so use to doing everything with a beer in my hand that I didn’t get to fully enjoy ANYTHING, so I'm still very much getting use to this new lifestyle.

Asshats - I am such a dweller. I don’t know how to not be a dweller but that’s just me. And on top of being a dweller I'm a pissed off and resentful one. I really wish I was an asshole and could name names or even call people out, but this trying to be a better person shit is really putting a damper on the bitch that still resides deep within. I want to say I'm defeated, but I'm not going to give that power to a motherfucking soul. I, Rachel, am content with who I am in this moment and although it hasn’t always been that way, I’ve never been one to call people out on every aching flaw that they have. I never felt like I was better than anybody and I didn’t AND don’t put them down to somehow ease my own “self-hatred”.  I'm about to start making some more changes that I'm not sure I'm ready for but that I think I need. I REFUSE to surround myself with negative assholes that can’t see past their petty fucking problems to see that OTHER people have shit going on too. I know that not everyone has their shit together; including myself, but something’s GOT to give. I try and motivate people, not bring them down. I try to pass on a smile in hopes that it’s passed on, not pass it on so you can shit on it and put me in a bitter mood. I have worked so god damn hard the last 3 months and I don’t expect a parade or even acknowledgement, what would be nice is that if you could see that if a trainwreck like ME could do it, so can you. GET OFF YOUR PITTY POTTY. You are dragging the people around you down. Instead of calling people out and giving them back handed compliments, why don’t you start off with a fucking compliment, even if it’s fake. Try making someone’s day better instead of worrying about yourself so much. Maybe your karma fucking sucks. THAT’S ON YOU. Bringing everyone else down isn’t going to do a damn thing to make anything better. It’s funny how you complain about nobody being there for you and you list reasons that you came up with as to why. Did you ever once think about the fact that maybe it’s YOU that’s the problem? You can’t run everyone off and then blame everyone but yourself, TRUST ME; I’ve done it my whole life.

OI that felt good. Maybe I could use some counseling after all. Ha ha

Random - I’ve decided if I was ever a serial killer, I would want to be the “Baby-faced Killah”, simply based on the fact that somehow at 25 I have the same face I had when I was 4.

With the weight that I’ve lost and the lack of pants that fit, I am now a shopaholic.

I'm also addicted to Monster Energy drinks.

I have fallen in love with Kid Cudi. ‘Cudderisback’ and ‘Cleveland is the Reason’ are my new “jams”.

I DID quit smoking, but as I look back that seemed more like a short term goal rather than long. ONE DAY it will happen.

I’ve really been thinking about going to college but don’t know what I would go for. I'm thinking marketing, Trent thinks business. If I do it, I’ll probably wait till after probation that way I'm not financially stressing us (more than I have already J).

I don’t know if I will ever get use to the fact that everything I own will forever be covered in cat and dog hair.

My friend Manny thinks me saying *“suitcase, shoelace” after he says “I ain’t tripping” is some kind of Texas thing. Dear Chiddy, I love you. Love Rachel.

I'm going to eat a cheeseburger this weekend. I haven’t had one in months.

That is all for my update. I’ll probably have a new post sometime in the next few days. I just need to get my serious thoughts together.

Catchy tunes and sober thoughts, Rachel

*Chiddy Bang- ‘Too much Soul’

My 'bye bye 30lbs' present to myself! I saw a guy wearing this shirt when we were in Midland,
 and with B.O.B's song 'Beast Mode' being one of my favorite workout songs, I just HAD to have it :)
It is also a reminder that working out once a week is a cop out and to keep my ass at it till it falls off!