Well I haven't forgotten about my blog. I had started a post last week and got frustrated with it and just turned off my laptop. I don't want to be a negative person but Lord knows my little heart can only take so much. I'm going to leave it at the bottom of this post though. After all these are MY sober thoughts. Anyhow. Things are going great. I had the worst Monday ever yesterday and ended it with a gallon full of tears. Everything seemed to put me over the top, and the EVERYTHING was the littlest shit ever, but that's Monday for you. Easter was different this year. Usually, and this is the real deal, I would have had an Easter beer hunt. I would start drinking Saturday all the way until Sunday afternoon then decorate beers in construction paper. Trent would hide them, I would find them, drink them, then pass out. Ha ha. I don't know how this became a tradition but I'm pretty glad its over. We kind of just sat around being lazy, ate some BBQ, cleaned a little. Nothing too fancy for sure.
Ive been to 2 F2F AA meetings. I like the group I'm going to. They seem pretty real and down to earth which I REALLY appreciate. I also got called in for my first random UA today, which sucked because I haven't really fully recovered from showing my P.O. my vagina the first time. It was whatever, I don't have a choice in the matter, but its nice knowing shes an older lady and has seen many a beaver and wont remember mine from the next. I'm doing my community service at Salvation Army. It pretty much sucks, but like I told the worker who set me up with it, Its not like its a permanent job, 40 hours and I never have to look back. I think the best part is that I get to wear my headphones and listen to good music vs, the radio shit they play all damn day. I get enough of that lame shit at work. FAAACCKKKKK.
I started back playing Call of Duty, its so weird playing and not being shit-faced, it was my favorite thing to do. I don't know why this is relevant to ANYTHING, but whatever on that too. Ha ha.
Lets see here.....I'm 2 pounds from my 30lb loss. I should have hit it by now but I messed up way bad when I was killing myself to hit it by our Midland trip. I had to take a break and figure out where the hell my head was. I'm going to start working out 3 days a week and eating how Ive been. That 7 days a week thing is for crazy people. I'm still excited with my progress so far. This evening I pulled out all my old pants I had put up and away, tried them on, then put them suckers on hangers so I can actually wear them, BECAUSE I CAN NOW :). Its funny because for so long I hated what I saw in the mirror. I would convince myself otherwise, but deep down I knew I was faking it. I got to the point where I would just avoid mirrors. And its not that it was just the outside, it was the inside too. I can proudly say that I LOVE MYSELF now. I looked in the mirror today and just smiled. Tears almost came out, I'm so happy with who I am, and who I'm becoming. I'm doing SOMETHING. And that's something I haven't done in a long time. Before I would get on this healthy kick and it would go down the drain once we had a 3 day weekend and I would binge drink. I didn't really WANT to change for me, I wanted to change because everyone else was and I needed to keep up, or because I was just bored. I NEED and WANT this for MYSELF and for no other reason.
I'm just fucking ecstatic. That's all I can really say about anything right now. Right now is where I need to be and where I can look back and say, DAMN GIRL, you did the fucking thing.
That's all for tonight's post, there isn't much else to say :) .
Well I had meant to post the lost post from last week but this thing had a different idea, I guess the following sums it up >>> Ive realized since then that I cant deal with everyone Else's bullshit. Fuck em, yeah know. This life is about ME, not everyone else. I was thinking about getting my FUCK U tattoo in my lip covered up, and I decided FUCK NO. Ha ha. I'm going to stay true to me and the attitude that has gotten me as far as it has. As a sort of reminder that I don't HAVE to deal with any other bullshit than what gets Rachel to tomorrow.
Anyhow, THAT my friends is the official end of this post. Love you all who care enough to read my blog and show me love && even the Haters <3
Happy faces and sober thoughts, Rachel
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