Sunday is bittersweet.

MAN OH MAN, WHERE TO START??

PROBATION

I met my P.O. on Thursday. She is as awesome as I thought she would be, hopefully they don't switch her up on me for some assclown with an attitude problem. I told her that me and Trent had gotten sober and that she had nothing to worry about, she seemed pleased to hear that, especially since she dug up Trent's records and reminded me about his revokes. She also insisted that she didn't want to watch me pee just as much as I didn't want her watching me. Ha Ha, good to know! I get to go wherever in Texas I want without having to get permission unless its for like a week or more, in which I just have to let her know. In order to leave the state I need to be in good standing and have permission, which is GREAT news. Other than that I have alot of classes to do and alot of tubes to blow. I go on Tuesday to set up my community service and also start my AA meetings this week. I'm so excited that I'm finally on my way to getting this done with, its almost been a year since my actual DWI. March 20th 2013, I cant wait to see you!


SOBRIETY

I passed my 2 months a few days ago and it hardly seems like its been that long! ( Me and Trent celebrated with some Doritos Loco tacos!) Its not nearly as much as a struggle as it was at first but its still taking ALOT to get use to. I really want a beer. Right now seems good, but I KNOW that not only can I not drink because of probation, but also because there is no such thing as 1 beer for me. Its a case at least. The summer coming up is freaking me out and depressing me at the same time. To chill out in the sun drinking a cold beer while bbqing and shooting the breeze with friends is as perfect as it gets, and something I sure as hell wont get to do. I feel like sometimes I may make to much out of things, and then I remind myself that I drank ALOT more than I would have ever admitted to and that a change was NEEDED more than even I knew. I wish people around me could see that, understand it, and respect it. But apparently as much as I've stressed to people that probation may require me to be sober it wasn't my deciding factor, I MADE THAT DECISION, beforehand. I'm BEYOND sick and tired of people telling me how to get away with drinking on probation, how to still drink at bars, and avoid breathalyzer tests. It is so fucking disrespectful to me. I'm not on normal probation, I got offered a deal that not many people get. If anyone with a fat mouth trying to discourage me from getting my shit done would actually LISTEN to me, they would have known that. I will not fuck it up for ANYTHING. Especially a "friend" peer pressuring me to have a mix drink at dinner. ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? Do you want me to fail? Someone actually told me that when I'm off probation that I need to practice just having a few drinks and then calling it a night, because "eventually it gets easier"..... Ive been a black out drunk for over 10 years and I'm only 25, what in the fuck makes anyone think that magically I'm going to turn into a social drinker, especially after not drinking for a year? I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN. YA HEARD??!?!?! I don't want to test out the waters knowing that I could go back to the Trainwreck that I was. UGH. I'm really frustrated if you cant tell. I'm giving people once more chance to get their heads out of their asses and then they are going to find out how calm like a bomb I really am.

A few things that have helped post-sobriety.

• Falling asleep - Reading really helps, and on the nights it seems to not help as much as I'd like some Alka-Seltzer pm is pretty boss.
• Cravings - Doing something to take the mind off of drinking is key. Painting, drawing, writing, walking. Anything that can be done spur of the moment and really get the mind and body into it!
• Friends/Family drinking - Due to the fact that everyone is really supportive I haven't had to cross this bridge, THAT in itself has helped more than anything. Just talking to them and letting them know that this means alot to me has deterred them from doing it in my presence. I know it may not be this way forever, so hopefully when I have a tip to deal with it when it does happen I will share what I learn.
• Support - Its really great to have support, but not everyone is going to be there for you. You have to know when a relationship is going to be toxic to your sobriety. If you have friends that make jokes at your expense or voice doubts that you cant do it, you may not want to have that person around. Stay friends with people like this if you cant stand to cut them out of your life ( Talk to them FOR SURE, maybe they don't know how serious you are) but limit what you do with them. Try not to do things with them where they will be drinking.
• Knowledgehttp://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/collegestudents/anatomy/body_nonflash.aspx

THIS WEEKEND

We went and saw my dad and step-step mom this weekend. (I'm pretty sure since shes my step dads wife shed be my double step parent, somehow. Makes since to me so whatevs.) Anyways, it was pretty fun. Not at all what I expected, in both a good and bad way. We mainly went to Midland to get out of San Angelo, do some shopping, spend some time together and then meet my dad for lunch somewhere but they had different plans. They took us to lunch then drove us around to where we were originally going to go. It was super nice of them to pay for as much stuff as they did, but next time I definitely need to let them know in DETAIL our plans ahead of time. It wasn't so bad though, because after all I did get to spend the DAY with my dad instead of an hour or so. Trent got his damn golf clubs finally and some other shizz and I got a golf hat and a DC shirt. We had money to spend and really S.H.O.P but somehow we manged to less than $150, guess that's a win for our bank account.

FROM LARD TO HARD

I was really killing myself to try and hit my 30lb mark or under by Saturday and I ended up screwing myself over. I was working out and burning 500-700 calories a day and only eating 900-1100 TOTAL. My body pretty much went into starvation mode after a week of this crap and it held onto whatever I put in it. I'm going to try this week to balance everything out better so I can lose that 9 pounds the healthy way. However I can notice the difference in my lower body that the 3 miles a day is doing for it. I even bought an actual pair of shorts today that I'm going to bravely wear in public! I'm going to put Mederma on my scars and then use a tanning lotion to try and hopefully feel less self-conscious about my legs but I'm pretty excited altogether.

5 of my favorite songs to work out to.

• Travis Porter - Bananas
• B.O.B. - Beastmode
• Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to my Life
• XV - Awesome
• Chiddy Bang - I Cant Stop Freestyle

 That pretty much wraps up the last week and everything new going on. Ill be sure to update this week with how AA goes and what Ill be doing for Community Service. Until then...

Encouraging words and sober thoughts, Rachel.