Interview with a sober alcoholic. HA.

A BIG thank you to Trent who got to live out his Journalist dream for this post. I Love you.

Family/Friends/Acquaintances

How do you socialize with people whose lives still revolve around drinking?
-I wouldn't call it socializing AT ALL. I try to stay away from people who are drinking. Trent drinks a little here and there while at home, but he stays outside for the most part. Basically the further away from alcohol I am, the better. Ive been around drunk PEOPLE once so far and the worst part was the stinky breath. I had a great time just being crazy me but the drunker everyone got, the more distant I got.

Has your sobriety and new outlook effected people around you? If so how?
-I would say yes, both good and bad. Have I been such an awesome inspiration that other people have quit drinking? NO. But alot of people who support me have told me that I am an inspiration and that they are proud of me. As far as it negatively effecting people, I would say my positivity seems to annoy people. Misery loves company and boy was I amazing company for awhile. But that is something that is on THEM. Recovery is one of the most selfish things a person can do and is SUPPOSE TO BE. People need to understand that and GET OVER IT.

How have the people around you reacted to your sobriety?
-Some people don't believe that I can do it, or that the ONLY reason I got sober was because of probation, or doubt that I'm serious about STAYING sober after I get off probation. ALL very wrong. But for the most part everyone is VERY happy for me, and extremely proud. I went from being an absolute trainwreck to actually getting my life together.  And I'm pretty sure the people who got to see me butt-naked running around or got sloppy drunk calls from me are OVER THE MOON excited. (Sorry Teah and Zeke :))

Have your relationships with friends and family gotten better? Have any gotten worse?
-For the most part YES. Ive started talking to alot of my family more than I use to, and have started making plans to go and see them. I always took their love for granted (friends && family) and knew that they would love me no matter what so I didn't think I HAD to be a role model or make any of them proud. Just being me was good enough for me so it HAD to be good enough for them too. I was wrong. Not only do I want and need their love, but also their RESPECT, which I never even cared about before. My relationship with my brother has somehow fallen apart. Before all I wanted was to satisfy him and MAKE him want to love me, I never thought he did. But now I'm trying to learn how to stand my ground and its led to not seeing him as much. He also lost alot of respect from me when he LAUGHED IN MY FACE, when I told him I was going to online AA meetings.

Are there any relationships you wish you could change that were altered by your alcohol use?
-YES. Me and one of my best friends had a terrible falling out. I was drunk and did something dumb and had I not been SO STUBBORN, I could have easily fixed it with an authentic apology. The thing that took me from June 2011 until March 2012 to realize is that just because you did something DRUNK, does not mean that you somehow get a pass. The things you say and do drunk still have repercussions and regardless if you remember them happening, they can still hurt other peoples feelings. Thinking you somehow get a pass has a horrible negative snowball effect that can lead to irreparable damage. To this friend, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. You taught me a valuable lesson that I needed to learn and God only knows how much I wish I could have figured this out sooner. I love you gurl.


You

Whats the biggest difference you have seen in yourself?
-Ive covered this a million times in just about every post I have done so I will keep it short. I am the happiest I have been in my WHOLE LIFE. I'm healthier than I have ever been. I am positive. I feel blessed. I love like I have never loved. I am thankful. I see life different. The biggest difference I see In myself, IS MYSELF.

Whats the biggest difference OTHERS have seen in you?
-A spark. A twinkle in my eye. A smile.

What have you found that you enjoy now that you didn't before?
-EVERYTHING! I love to go fishing, write, play with my dog, make art, make jewelry, inspire other people to BE INSPIRED!

What are you doing now to better your life without the restriction that alcohol has had on you?
-I'm working out. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating better. I'm being active. Before my ass was in a seat somewhere drinking beer and the next day laying around eating tacos and nursing a hangover.

What makes you think that you can stay sober?
-Hope. Faith. Love. A life worth living.



Sober Life

How do you entertain yourself on the weekends that use to be filled with drinking and parties?
-Alot of activities. Fishing has been a big part of my weekends, its taught me alot of patience. Ive also started doing projects like fixing up my spare room, working on my turtle aquarium, and SHOPPING!

What do you do to unwind after a hard day, instead of drinking?
-I read. I also vent to Trent or blog about it. A little Xbox helps too. Ha Ha

Are there any things that have become more difficult for you?
-Not picking up other habits. Ive started drinking ALOT of Monster Energy drinks in place of beer which has been really bad on my health. Sleeping was really difficult at first and even now with always being on the river or lake I'm having a hard time with cravings! I just have to dive deeper into what I'm doing to try and get it off my mind. I also really miss being around old drinking buddies.

What do you look forward to doing with your new outlook on life?
-EVERYTHING! I want to travel and open a business. I want to go to college. Before I was so negative that the only thing I had to look forward to was drinking. I want to be an inspiration to people. I want to help people.

Whats your support system like?
-AMAZING. I have the most amazing fiance ever that has toughed everything out with me. I have 2 great dads that have helped me with everything from advice to lawyer costs to a new door! They are the best dads EVER. I have a great group of friends that stuck it out with me through the worst of the worst and have been encouraging me everyday! Teah, Jen, Zeke, && Deanna you guys are AWESOME! My cousins have been really awesome too!



This/That/The Other

You're only 3 months sober but you must have an accomplishment in that time that you're proud of?
-I think being 3 months sober is an AMAZING accomplishment in itself! Ive also lost 34 pounds and gained alot of self confidence. I look in the mirror everyday and there is a smile looking back at me and that is VERY new to me. Ive started doing things with my life and am trying to embark on new things!

Have the people you looked up to changed at all? If so, why?
-Oh hell yes! I was idolizing alot of the wrong people who seemed really great at the time but turned out to be real shit heads. My #1 person I look up to will ALWAYS be my mom! Ive also started to look up to the people looking back at me at AA.

Some people say they can get sober without AA, what is your take?
-I say to each their own. I started out going to online AA which was great, but when I started going to F2F meetings I really started seeing how helpful it is. To see the emotions in peoples eyes at how bad they want and need to be sober is just life changing. I struggled alot with online AA because there was always alot of 12 step talk and GOD talk, at the meetings I attend its not like that. I'm struggling with finding my HP still so to feel like I'm hanging around people in a building vs feeling like I'm at church really helps.

What can you tell someone that might help in their recovery?
-Don't let other people get in the way of YOU AND YOUR LIFE. Be selfish. Stay positive. It truly is "One Day at a Time".

What is something you would like to remind yourself of in another 3 months?
-You are a strong girl. You are beautiful inside and out. You have something that nobody else has, you are YOU, and you can do anything you put your heart, soul, and mind to.


 One exhausted mind and many sober thoughts, Rachel

Sunday is bittersweet.

MAN OH MAN, WHERE TO START??

PROBATION

I met my P.O. on Thursday. She is as awesome as I thought she would be, hopefully they don't switch her up on me for some assclown with an attitude problem. I told her that me and Trent had gotten sober and that she had nothing to worry about, she seemed pleased to hear that, especially since she dug up Trent's records and reminded me about his revokes. She also insisted that she didn't want to watch me pee just as much as I didn't want her watching me. Ha Ha, good to know! I get to go wherever in Texas I want without having to get permission unless its for like a week or more, in which I just have to let her know. In order to leave the state I need to be in good standing and have permission, which is GREAT news. Other than that I have alot of classes to do and alot of tubes to blow. I go on Tuesday to set up my community service and also start my AA meetings this week. I'm so excited that I'm finally on my way to getting this done with, its almost been a year since my actual DWI. March 20th 2013, I cant wait to see you!


SOBRIETY

I passed my 2 months a few days ago and it hardly seems like its been that long! ( Me and Trent celebrated with some Doritos Loco tacos!) Its not nearly as much as a struggle as it was at first but its still taking ALOT to get use to. I really want a beer. Right now seems good, but I KNOW that not only can I not drink because of probation, but also because there is no such thing as 1 beer for me. Its a case at least. The summer coming up is freaking me out and depressing me at the same time. To chill out in the sun drinking a cold beer while bbqing and shooting the breeze with friends is as perfect as it gets, and something I sure as hell wont get to do. I feel like sometimes I may make to much out of things, and then I remind myself that I drank ALOT more than I would have ever admitted to and that a change was NEEDED more than even I knew. I wish people around me could see that, understand it, and respect it. But apparently as much as I've stressed to people that probation may require me to be sober it wasn't my deciding factor, I MADE THAT DECISION, beforehand. I'm BEYOND sick and tired of people telling me how to get away with drinking on probation, how to still drink at bars, and avoid breathalyzer tests. It is so fucking disrespectful to me. I'm not on normal probation, I got offered a deal that not many people get. If anyone with a fat mouth trying to discourage me from getting my shit done would actually LISTEN to me, they would have known that. I will not fuck it up for ANYTHING. Especially a "friend" peer pressuring me to have a mix drink at dinner. ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? Do you want me to fail? Someone actually told me that when I'm off probation that I need to practice just having a few drinks and then calling it a night, because "eventually it gets easier"..... Ive been a black out drunk for over 10 years and I'm only 25, what in the fuck makes anyone think that magically I'm going to turn into a social drinker, especially after not drinking for a year? I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN. YA HEARD??!?!?! I don't want to test out the waters knowing that I could go back to the Trainwreck that I was. UGH. I'm really frustrated if you cant tell. I'm giving people once more chance to get their heads out of their asses and then they are going to find out how calm like a bomb I really am.

A few things that have helped post-sobriety.

• Falling asleep - Reading really helps, and on the nights it seems to not help as much as I'd like some Alka-Seltzer pm is pretty boss.
• Cravings - Doing something to take the mind off of drinking is key. Painting, drawing, writing, walking. Anything that can be done spur of the moment and really get the mind and body into it!
• Friends/Family drinking - Due to the fact that everyone is really supportive I haven't had to cross this bridge, THAT in itself has helped more than anything. Just talking to them and letting them know that this means alot to me has deterred them from doing it in my presence. I know it may not be this way forever, so hopefully when I have a tip to deal with it when it does happen I will share what I learn.
• Support - Its really great to have support, but not everyone is going to be there for you. You have to know when a relationship is going to be toxic to your sobriety. If you have friends that make jokes at your expense or voice doubts that you cant do it, you may not want to have that person around. Stay friends with people like this if you cant stand to cut them out of your life ( Talk to them FOR SURE, maybe they don't know how serious you are) but limit what you do with them. Try not to do things with them where they will be drinking.
• Knowledgehttp://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/collegestudents/anatomy/body_nonflash.aspx

THIS WEEKEND

We went and saw my dad and step-step mom this weekend. (I'm pretty sure since shes my step dads wife shed be my double step parent, somehow. Makes since to me so whatevs.) Anyways, it was pretty fun. Not at all what I expected, in both a good and bad way. We mainly went to Midland to get out of San Angelo, do some shopping, spend some time together and then meet my dad for lunch somewhere but they had different plans. They took us to lunch then drove us around to where we were originally going to go. It was super nice of them to pay for as much stuff as they did, but next time I definitely need to let them know in DETAIL our plans ahead of time. It wasn't so bad though, because after all I did get to spend the DAY with my dad instead of an hour or so. Trent got his damn golf clubs finally and some other shizz and I got a golf hat and a DC shirt. We had money to spend and really S.H.O.P but somehow we manged to less than $150, guess that's a win for our bank account.

FROM LARD TO HARD

I was really killing myself to try and hit my 30lb mark or under by Saturday and I ended up screwing myself over. I was working out and burning 500-700 calories a day and only eating 900-1100 TOTAL. My body pretty much went into starvation mode after a week of this crap and it held onto whatever I put in it. I'm going to try this week to balance everything out better so I can lose that 9 pounds the healthy way. However I can notice the difference in my lower body that the 3 miles a day is doing for it. I even bought an actual pair of shorts today that I'm going to bravely wear in public! I'm going to put Mederma on my scars and then use a tanning lotion to try and hopefully feel less self-conscious about my legs but I'm pretty excited altogether.

5 of my favorite songs to work out to.

• Travis Porter - Bananas
• B.O.B. - Beastmode
• Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to my Life
• XV - Awesome
• Chiddy Bang - I Cant Stop Freestyle

 That pretty much wraps up the last week and everything new going on. Ill be sure to update this week with how AA goes and what Ill be doing for Community Service. Until then...

Encouraging words and sober thoughts, Rachel.