-> My terms are alot of what I expected, I knew there was going to be alot of classes, I just didn't know to what extent. Some things weren't as bad as I thought, or was told. I'm going to sign them this week with my lawyer and get this damn thing started already. Ready or not, here I come. <-
The arrival of my papers came along with the arrival of more tears. Tears of failure, of mourning, of fear, of anxiety, of stress.
I think the part that scares me the most is getting a job. I love to work, don't get me wrong. I just hate people. That sounds terrible, let me elaborate...I LOVE people. I love helping people who need it, I love kind people who believe a smile can change someones day, I love understanding people who see past your appearance and see YOU. I hate the kind of people I have worked with. People like Crystal Bednar. A bitter old woman I worked with at EZMONEY. I loved my job there. I met awesome people who took very well to my smile, honesty, and ear. I listened when they were worried or stressed, unlike Crystal who just wanted to get them out of her hair. Why 5 minutes of your time could be used to help someone have a little bit of a better day could be wasted to just add to the shittyness of it is beyond me. She was a devil of a woman and I honestly pity her. She was jealous that people who came in to see her all of a sudden preferred me, she was jealous that I was young and would get complimented and dare I say hit on, she didn't like that I was ballsy and would tell her like it was, she was just pitiful and bitter. I like jobs like that one, ones that I get to interact with and help people out - but because of the likes of her I now fear them. Everyday I see people working, and most of them have a shitty "I don't give a fuck" attitude and it pisses me off. I wish I was lucky enough to get jobs where I could just be a people person and be happy and be grateful that I have an easy job. People who complain about their "shitty" jobs need to work Trent's for just an hour. GET OVER YOURSELF. I just know I'm going to have to work with idiots like this and its going to take all my might not to go out with a BANG like I did at EZMONEY. That fake blond heifer of a devil tried to call the cops on me for clearing out my desk. The obscenities I screamed at her are of ones a sailor would be ashamed to blurt out drunk as piss in the presence of the drunkest of assholes. Lord knows my positivity can only be tested so much. I found a posting for a job at the Salvation Army that I'm going to apply for and I'm crossing my fingers that they are still hiring and would even consider me. I would love to work for such an awesome organization that's only intent is to just HELP.
I wish I wasn't the type of person who dwells and stresses over everything, but no matter how much I've tried to fight it, its just who I am. I know that this year is going to be alright. I know that financially we will be OK, we have always found a way to make. I know that I have it in me to do this and do it well. I know that I have incredible people behind me cheering me on and reassuring me of all that I KNOW. Its just really hard to keep reminding myself of that. Its hard to stay positive and not just jump to the negative and think "what happens WHEN I fail....". All the things that I'm going to be required to do are all things that I NEED, and for some reason seeing them all lined out and numbered and begging for my signature just scares the piss out of me. I want to get out of this year something I never would have had the courage to seek out myself. I want to learn everything that I can and apply it to the life I want to lead after this year is done. I just need to try and remind myself that its going to be alright, it doesn't take a superhuman to live and let be. This is my life for the next year and it cant be any harder than what I've done to myself and made it though over the last 10 years.
I guess the mourning tears tie into the fear of failing. I miss my mom so much and I wish she could be here with me. If anything to call and tell me that I'm making her proud and that she loves me no matter what. That I'm her daughter and she didn't raise a failure. That if she had to she would drive me everywhere I needed to go, walk my ass up to the door, and wait outside till I came out. Because well, that's just how my mom was. If life hasn't been hard enough without her, going through something this scary is even harder. Not just the PTD but sobriety as well. To be fair alot of my drinking stemmed from her death and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in this situation had she been here. I was trying to mask the pain, the tears, the emptiness. I have nobody to blame but myself but I had very little direction afterwards. I have family everywhere BUT HERE. Phone calls and texts only go so far. I guess I can only hope at this point that I can figure out how to "deal" with her death in a positive manner, and at the end of this have a better relationship with her, or shall I say her spirit? Sounds pretty crazy when I re-read that, but I'm pretty sure its what I meant to say. I want to make her proud still, I want to know in my heart that if she was still here she would be all smiles that I was just the way she hoped that I would turn out, fucked up past and fucked up situations and all. She was a hell of a woman that one.
I guess I can move into a lighter direction since my last tear has seemed to have fallen. Ive been trying to keep busy lately and I cant complain too much. Although some of it hasn't been what I would call "fun", its been rewarding. We fixed the part of the fence that "sausage" (my Jack Russell, Widget) and Tank (think a white/pit bull version of "The Beast" from 'The Sandlot') have eaten through and torn up so they can cleverly escape and cause chaotic glory in the neighborhood. I guess it is in great timing since I'm being forced to go to work and wont have to worry about them. It looks pretty good I might say. It would have been alot easier had they not torn up EVERYTHING we put back there from the spare room. I honestly gave them the benefit of the doubt to leave it be until we had a free Saturday to run it to the dump. BOY WAS I WRONG!! In comparison to how horrible its been, there isn't much work left until we have what can be described as a decent backyard. I love my dogs but man are they monsters of destruction! I still have yet to get back into my spare room, its kind of taken a back seat to the more important fix ups that need to be handled, but I plan on getting in there this week. (hopefully)
My hard work has also seemed to reward my waistline, not so much the scale though. (I'm assuming my fat is being magically transformed back into muscle, which ironically is heavier.) I have a youth sized Bret Favre jersey I've been throwing on here and there to see if there is ever a difference and its seem to be getting "bigger" on me. Bigger is a little exaggerated since my boobs seem to take up half the jersey, but it sure isn't as tight as it was a month ago. I'm in no hurry to shed the weight I've seemed to stack on these last few years. I'm fully aware that it didn't pack on over night and its not going to unpack itself in the same matter. I want to make sure I balance out my eating and 'exercise' (I'm not sure the things I've been doing can be considered exercise, but you pull weeds for 9 hours, rake for 3, and tear down a fence for 2 and tell me you cant feel the burn...) so my fat turns into muscle instead of just wasting away leaving me with old lady saggy skin. Somehow with my fatness I've managed to keep my muscle nicely 'hidden' underneath it. The fact that the only real flab I carry is in my inner thighs is quite alright with me. Even if it is the hardest place to get rid of, it also happens to be the the easiest for me to hide. Ive never been fond of shorty shorts and I love the hell out of some dude's b-ball shorts so that makes it all the more better.
Although today was a little on the emotional side I've stayed positive and all around happy, enjoying the zest for life Ive been reacquainted with. Trent and I went to the driving range this weekend to try out my new driver and I think I might actually let him teach me some things and try golfing out. It would be nice to pick up a healthy hobby that takes place in the sunlight along with the indoor ones I've mastered. I don't know what he will think of it since golf is his dude time, but if its a biggie I don't mind just sticking with our trips to the driving range and finding something else. Ill take what I can get from him since it seems to be so much lately. I really find myself loving the man more and more everyday. He gives up and gives so much to me with little in return and I couldn't imagine for any other reason than he just flat out loves the hell out of me.
I guess that's about all for now. Every dog in a 1 mile radius is going nuts and my little Whiskey wants in his kennel so he can be a part of the madness.
Blotchy red cry faces and sober thoughts, Rachel
No comments:
Post a Comment