DANG IT

I'm really frustrated with my last post. I had really hated the post from last week but when I went back and read it, I FELT IT. And it felt great. Like for the first time I had really let it out. And I wanted to share it! Apparently your post can only be so long before they suck whatever random part of it out that they wish. MY GEARS HAVE BEEN GRINDED. Either way, it did feel really good to go back and read what I wrote when I was so damn angry and realize that I WAS RIGHT to feel the way that I did. I have spent so much of my life second guessing everything I do or say that the whole reason I didn't post it to begin with, is because I thought it was wrong to feel the way that I did and that I was going to be judged for MY feelings. They are mine to feel, not anyone Else's. Just one of the many things I need to add to my list of thousands to remember.

The post talked about self centered people and my frustrations with at least 2 certain ones. One of which couldn't care less that I'm sober, and the other one pretty much the same base, but an overall bitch in general. Both of these people I consider friends, or did. And now both Ive convinced myself that I'm no longer going to take anything they have to say seriously. They are using me for some kind of emotional crutch and I am in no condition to hold anyone up, when I myself am limping. I have gone through periods of not talking to these assholes and had convinced myself that they could change. RACHEL, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING. People don't just go around changing when they are used to getting everything they want through manipulative mind games. Until last week I was still being tossed around like a God Damn marionette and I feel like a fucking fool. I'm at a crossroad with just one. The other can forget who I am, and Ill do the same. But at 25 I am still stumped on how to handle a bully. Who do you tell when there isn't anyone to reprimand such childish behavior when being exhibited by an adult OLDER than myself? Nobody... As an adult you work the shit out. Obviously that's not an option. So here is what I'm going to do. Nothing. I'm going to vent and forgot about it, and hope to hell that the bitch has a midlife crisis. Until then.....

Dear Asshole.

You are fucking grown, do you mind acting like it. I know that you have gotten by your whole life by playing everyone like chess pieces, but its time to grow up and give the kids back their games.

Love, Rachel


This post didn't feel as great as the "lost one", but it will do since nothing else will.

Make-up anger and sober thoughts, Rachel