Dream a little dream....

Well I am down 20 pounds and 45 days of sobriety. And it feels pretty amazing. I keep saying I'm going to start working out but have yet to do so.... until today. I'm starting out slow, not because I'm lazy, but because of my knee problems. I need to make sure what happened before DOES NOT happen again. I was working out like a champ when I hurt it and it lead to gaining everything I lost and then some. I refuse to be back there again. Id like to say I couldn't help it, but all the CRAP I was eating wasn't forced down my throat. I just lost all motivation and everything went downhill. My knee hasn't slipped in a few weeks so I'm hoping the 4-5 months of resting it really helped. I cant even describe how painful it was. I want to work up to running again like I use to do in High School. I was talking to my cousin about healthy vices to replace the ones I've quit (booze, sodas, and nail biting) and I started to remember how much I loved running. It was so freeing, and I definitely miss that feeling. Hopefully with all the classes I'm going to have to do and finding a job I will still have enough time to accomplish it.


My sobriety really is starting to feel super amazing. Ive been doing so many things I didn't do before, simple things even, like reading. My mind is always clear and everything that comes out of my mouth is from ME, not from a blurry drunk or hungover mind. Its hard to put into words what it feels like to look back and wonder if half the things you've said were true, or if you just said them and convinced yourself that they were. Its really great Trent quitting too, although I know he will have days where he is going to, its nice having sober time with him. We spent so much time drinking together I almost thought that when we quit that our relationship would get lost. I'm very thankful that it hasn't! Have I mentioned yet how much I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM.


He has had some pain problems in his back so Ive been trying to help him feel better which basically has been me doing everything I can for him so he doesn't have to get up and down alot. Its been a little frustrating because the main thing is taking whiskey out constantly. He seems to go every 10 minutes and is outside forever so it gets annoying doing the up-down-stand outside thing. Trent would always help when he got off work so yah....GRR. But now on top of his back pain he is getting sick, he even came home from work yesterday. Poor guy cant sleep for nothing between the pain and sickness and all this just happen to fall after he denied his insurance. He's always had it before but never used it because he NEVER gets sick, and BAM, right when he needs it the most its gone. (Not that Mr. Stubborn Ass would even go to the doctor with it.) I wish I knew how to help him out but other than filling him full of soup and medicine I'm kind of lost. He has a strong immune system so I hope he is better by this weekend. I hope to hell I don't get it either, my immune system is shitty as hell. A normal 1 week cold for someone else lasts me at least 2 weeks if not longer. YIKES.


I guess onto the title of this post. I don't know if its nerves or stress but I had a horrible dream. When I  talked to my lawyer last week he was telling me about how people would have one last hoo-rah before they went on probation and they would end up failing their first UA. He was commending me on getting sober before I had to and I guess had a sense of pride that I was taking everything serious and would pass mine. I think that may have triggered my dream. I don't remember alot about it but it was before I was going to start 'probation' and somehow I had all this alcohol around me. I thought to myself that I was sober and was loving my new life and all of a sudden it didn't matter. I drank and drank and drank and just remember being so disappointed in myself once I was drunk, that I threw all my hard work down the drain. I woke up from my awful dream and had to take a minute to figure out if it was real or not. EVERYTHING about it felt so damn real and I woke up scared shitless. Ive had drinking dreams before but they have all been about my resisting. Going on vacation with Jen and Tina to Cancun and them drinking it up and me just following them around with a bottle and not daring take a drink of it. But I knew that was a dream....This one....UGH, I just hated it. I really hope they don't continue and this was a one-time thing, I hate bad dreams. I'm one of those people who remembers dreams, just about all of them, which I think is pretty funny because my memory is so terrible that I have to ask Trent what I had for breakfast the day before. Ha ha.

From Dreammoods.com, I guess it has some truth to it.

Well I guess I covered everything I wanted to. I feel like I could write all day but that would be a waste of all this eneregy I have. I feel like im going to explode! 


Scary dreams and sober thoughts, Rachel