Life in general

I have been M.I.A. from my blog for a minute, sorry. Life is crazy. That's all there is to it. Ive been taking mine back and I have to say it feels good. My relationships with the people around me are getting better and I'm learning to let go of all the control that I thought I HAD to have. One day at a time is hard, but its paying off. I'm now 8 months and a few days sober. I still feel great. I'm down about 73ish pounds. I'm happy. I'm working. I'm making new friends.

When I started this blog I had a lot of high hopes that I think were unreasonable. I wanted to help people while trying to help myself. Basically I was a crazy person and looking back, unrealistically positive. Ive had so many breakdowns that I have kept private. I wish I could go back and share those thoughts. Being sober IS NOT easy. I do want to drink still. I think about it a lot. Does everything get better? YES. Is it a process? YES. The process is hard. Mentally, although I feel better, I feel like the craziest person ever. I'm trying to find myself, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want and don't want, I'm trying to be happy while making everyone else happy. Its draining. Letting go of shit and realizing I cant be EVERYBODY'S captain save a hoe is hard for me. I hate struggling myself, and seeing other people there, the people I care about, HURTS. I hit rock bottom and that's what it took for me to get better and I have to just let everybody get there for themselves. When you have someone enabling you and keeping you afloat you're never going to hit rock bottom and YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER. Ever. So yeah. That's that.

That control thing, I really wanna share on. Trent, my boyfriend, quit drinking with me for awhile. He started back again and it made me want to stab his eyes out. I feel like when I say what I'm about to say that I'm NOT offending him, but he has a rage monster. If you think it sounds offensive, ask the people around you how you act. I bet they have met your rage monster and cant stand it either. I myself have one. I stripped down naked one night and punched a friend in the face. You can say you are a happy horny drunk all you want but that monster does come out. ANYWAY, Trent has one. And I don't like it. I wanted him to quit drinking and be sober and happy with me forever. OH RACHEL. I cant control his sobriety, but I can control mine. Fighting and screaming was my only resort, or so I though. Instead of leaving him, I just leave. When he wants to drink I take myself out of the situation. He has his fun and I try to have mine. I don't know how long this will work, but it works now and I'm fine with that. Nobody made me quit drinking, I don't think anyone could have. I need to be understanding of that with him. When he is ready he will and me being a controlling bitter girlfriend isn't going to make it happen. We had a bad night awhile back and because of it HE made a choice to slow down A LOT. I'm proud of him. It still kills me when he decides to drink when he does, but I have to remind myself that MY problem is mine. I cant make everyone around me be an alcoholic so that they will somehow want to fix their problem. Sounds crazy, but I've talked to enough of US, to know that its true for more than just myself.

I'm going to try and get back in touch with my blog, I still see its being read and I appreciate the love I've gotten and the words of encouragement. You guys are great. I LOVE seeing everybody's stories, so if you have a blog, please share it with me!

-- Rachel

P.s. I had talked about reading A Million Little Pieces and minus all the controversy surrounding it really loving it. Ive recently read My Friend Leonard (the sequel to AMLP), Sober Is My New Drunk, and Dry: A Memoir... in case you're looking for books to read on recovery :)