I talked to my lawyers leading lady this past week and I'm expecting to see my P.T.D papers in the mail in the next few days that explain the next year of my life. I'm really starting to get nervous. Getting sober before I'm the state's property and am forced too, makes me feel a little more at ease (since it was by my own free will), but I'm still super scared.
I'm scared to mess up, I'm scared to let myself down, scared to trust myself that I will do what is expected of me. Since my mom died I haven't felt that I need to meet anybodies or anythings expectations, or really even care for that matter. This is a whole new ballpark though. The repercussions are ones I've never been faced with or had to deal with. Its not just disappointment or resentments. Its jail, its the life I've grown to love and have actually started to live, its death if I go back to the way I was. I really need to sit down and think about things. I need to remind myself that this is good for me. That this was and is a blessing in disguise. That life is too important to waste. That I'm becoming a better person everyday and things can only get better from here.
I talked to someone near and dear to me tonight and I opened up about things that very few people know. Everyone has always seen me as this crazy wild drunk girl (and sometimes annoying and TOO CRAZY). But the truth of the matter is that I have spent the last 6 years in a state of depression and destruction. A few people know of my cutting. Its something I have struggled with since I was 15. In the last few years it has gotten beyond out of control. Its disgusting to look at my scars and see what I've done to myself. Something so small and insignificant at the time has left me with life long scars. The urge is there when its there and when I'm sober I can control it. I walk it off, I scream into a pillow, I throw some really loud music on and just cry. When I was drunk it was a completely different story. I would cut. I would cut so deep I could see my insides, I would cut more than when I would slip up when I was sober, I wouldn't quit until I physically couldn't take the pain anymore. Its really hard for me to talk about this because everyone thinks of cutters as being emo and crying out for attention. That's far from the truth, or at least for me. Trent threatened to leave me all the time and it wouldn't even phase me. I got sneakier. I started doing it on my legs and feet and just wouldn't wear shorts or would always wear socks. I cut because I felt, and well, feel, out of control. The pain though, I could control. I need to maintain some kind of control. If only to feel that I'm still living. I wanted and want to live. Its never about just wanting to die.
Which I guess leads me to the other thing, of which only a few people know as well. Its even harder for me to talk about. I don't think my family or brother even know about it. I didn't want them to be scared or to get lectured or feel any worse than I feel about it. In December 2010 after some bad shit happened, I tried to kill myself. I got shit faced drunk and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Alot of the feelings had to do with what had happened, but that's not something I want to publicly address. The fact of the matter is that had my ass been sober I wouldn't have done it. I don't know what I would have done, but I know that I would have never tried to take my own life. The reason I feel the need to say these things now, is that when I say sobriety for me is about life or death, it is just that. Ive spent so much time trying to hide the bad things about myself and come off as in control of things that it in the end it has been my downfall. Nobody knew how bad things had gotten so nobody knew to try and help me. Trent wouldn't know about things till after he had either found out on his own or I had told him. I would promise not to go and get beer and I would wait for him to fall asleep and go and do these things. I would hide all evidence and when he found out I would promise that it wasn't going to happen again and just get sneakier. I sometimes feel that if I had called either of my dads or my uncle or a million of the other family members that care about me and told them the Gods honest truth about what I was going through that maybe I could have found some kind of direction. But then again I'm a hard headed little spitfire and free will is my worst enemy.
I want people to know the truth. I don't want to ask everyone to stand behind me and support me and keep the wool over their eyes as to how bad drinking really is to me. I don't want pity and I don't want to be judged. The things that have happened, happened, and they cant be changed. But I can change. I can change the way I act and react to things that happen in life. I also want that if someone who may need help reads this, that maybe they can take something from it. I don't have much of a story but the one I have could change a life. Ive been though things in my life that are shameful, things that have redirected my whole life path, things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, Ive lost more people that I love than I can count on both hands. I tried drinking everything away. Ive tried for over 10 years. I have accomplished more in almost a month of sobriety than I have in all of those 10 years.
I don't know how to end this, or if it should even end here. But I really hope that this post doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. I hope that people take it for what it is, honesty, from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry to the people that I SHOULD HAVE opened up to && I'm sorry to the people that had to carry these issues on their shoulders for so long without really knowing what to do, and I'm sorry that I even asked you to. Thank you to those people.
Open hearts and sober thoughts, Rachel
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