Well I guess I will start this post out by saying that today I am thankful. With that being said, I'm starting to get frustrated and its due to nothing more than my overactive mind. 2 weeks ago I was starting to have doubts with the AA program. I am agnostic and its heavy on the God and HP thing and its just hard for me to jump balls deep into something that's like that. I don't want to feel like I'm being forced to believe in things that I don't, I'm not a hypocrite and I have no intention of becoming one. I talked to someone in AA about my doubts and things seem to be looking up. Well now I'm reading this book by James Frey called "A Million Little Pieces", and the Character James has very similar views as myself. He has just read the testimonials section in the BB and shares his thoughts, and I couldn't agree more. "Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on the avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their meetings and their Dogma, and they have nothing, take them away and they are back where they started, they have an addiction." When I started doing my online AA meetings I was doing 2 a day if not more. I was constantly on the computer trying to get my fix for the day.Trying to figure out how to just be. Just like when I was drinking, nothing else around me mattered. I ignored Trent, the dog, my brother when he came over, phone calls, etc. I thought it was just me concentrating on getting better, But last night while reading I was reminded of something my Dad had told me. He had told me after he got sober he would find himself getting addicted to other things, candy, sodas, anything really. And it dawned on me that although I am an addict and recovering, I still have that addicting personality. I don't want to be addicted to AA, I don't want a seed implanted in my head that if I don't do what I am told that I AM GOING to relapse. I'm not saying that I'm going to quit before I really even start. I just need to be aware of the fact that I have a problem. I also have free will, a strong mind, and an understanding that its a life or death situation. If I continue to drink the way that I have, it will eventually kill me. Putting down the bottle is alot easier than living life in a blur and hungover in a state that resembles neither fantasy or reality, but in lingo between the two. I don't need anyone forcing my hand.
The other thing that was addressed in the book is that AA makes you relive pretty much all the bad shit you have done in order to make an amends. Also something I have been questioning since starting AA. How am I suppose to move on in my life and embrace the future if I'm in a situation that is making me relive the awful past.
The things I have done are aware to me and the people around me and I honestly believe the best amends I can make is to say, "Sorry, I fucked up", and to make a WANTED change. To be someone so good that they cant even remember the bad. I don't know, I guess these are all things I will have to figure out as I go. I just know that I'm a dweller and I really don't want this to consume me. What I want out of sobriety is to live my life day by day without drinking and love harder than the day before. I want to accept that without vices life can be tough, but at least its living in an honest nature, and in an actually reality. That the things I say and do are from me, my heart, and my mind, not from the bottom of a bottle.
I'm going to continue reading this book I started and I hope I can take a few things from it. To me it is such a brilliant honest book. The controversy surrounding it is pretty interesting as well. Apparently Mr. Frey had written it as a fiction book but publishers wouldn't pick it up. He was told as a non-fiction book it would be pretty much epic. Oprah went and added it to her list of books she crams down Americas throats and it sky rocketed in sales. It was later found out that he had "lied". Well to me a good book is a good book. The fact that what I'm reading may or may not have happened to him doesn't effect my thoughts on the book. Apparently Oprah has different opinions. Its a good thing I don't give 2 shits about her or her fan base of minion opinions. Anyhow, that's about all for now. My mind is a bit more clear and things shall start to get done around here.
Blurry brains and sober thoughts, Rachel
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