OWNED.

I finally got a call from my probation officer! She sounds pretty nice, an elder lady I think. I go in Thursday at 2 to meet her and pee in a cup in front of her. HA HA. She stressed a few times to "prepare to pee". I'm pee shy, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to try and hold it until then. She also told me a few of the costs I was going to have to pay. Nothing too bad except for the counseling. Its a mandatory 3  - 1hour sessions at $100 an hour. I think I found what I want to go to school for. BANKROLLS! She also told me the hours I work aren't important as long as I'm paying for everything. I guess that's their way of making sure YOU are the one that pays and mommy and daddy don't bail you out. I'm going to open my own checking account on Friday so I make sure I'M the one paying for my mistake and not Trent. I'm deadest on doing this Probation thing the right way, and making sure everything sets in. I really just hope Elaine, my p.o., is as nice as she sounds. I'm not a big fan of assholes and probation officers usually take the cake on being the best of the best.


I'm BUSTING my ass to to lose the last few pounds that lie between here and the 30lb loss I want by Saturday. I think its like 5 or 6. I really want to lose 9 (from my weight this morning) since that's my first goal but Me and Jen agreed I was nuts. It was suppose to be 7 but apparently 2 of the pounds I was so excited about losing was water weight and it came back when I hydrated. Dang it. Ive worked out twice today and after this update I'm going in for round 3. I think as much as I've kicked up my workout I may need to kick a little more. I really want to wear myself out and get SORE but it isn't happening. I don't know how good of an idea that is but feeling the burn well after I'm done makes me feel super accomplished.

Saturday is the day we get to see my dad and he hasn't seen me since January, I hope he is super surprised with the new Rachel. I also really hope we have as much fun as Ive been imagining, we haven't spent time together in over a year and I really miss him. We are also going to try and find me a dress for Trent's moms wedding. I tried some on here at a few places but despite my weight loss my boobs don't fit in anything that's my new size. GRR.

That's all for now, I cant stop thinking about a smaller ass and that's not going to happen on the couch.

Busy bodies and sober thoughts, Rachel

Almost done.

Well I haven't updated in a few days. So here it is.

• I got a job.
• I finished the spare room (minus making the bed, sweeping, and moving out 2 pieces of furniture). Pictures coming soon!
• Trent gave me his evil cough.
• We got a new back door put in.
• I didn't get a call from probation yet, so I have to call my lawyer tomorrow and get it figured out.
• I might get to see my dad next weekend.
• Ive lost more weight.
• I'm 52 days sober and still loving every minute of it.

Now to finish Trent's dinner and crawl back into hibernation....

K.I.S and Sober thoughts, Rachel

Dream a little dream....

Well I am down 20 pounds and 45 days of sobriety. And it feels pretty amazing. I keep saying I'm going to start working out but have yet to do so.... until today. I'm starting out slow, not because I'm lazy, but because of my knee problems. I need to make sure what happened before DOES NOT happen again. I was working out like a champ when I hurt it and it lead to gaining everything I lost and then some. I refuse to be back there again. Id like to say I couldn't help it, but all the CRAP I was eating wasn't forced down my throat. I just lost all motivation and everything went downhill. My knee hasn't slipped in a few weeks so I'm hoping the 4-5 months of resting it really helped. I cant even describe how painful it was. I want to work up to running again like I use to do in High School. I was talking to my cousin about healthy vices to replace the ones I've quit (booze, sodas, and nail biting) and I started to remember how much I loved running. It was so freeing, and I definitely miss that feeling. Hopefully with all the classes I'm going to have to do and finding a job I will still have enough time to accomplish it.


My sobriety really is starting to feel super amazing. Ive been doing so many things I didn't do before, simple things even, like reading. My mind is always clear and everything that comes out of my mouth is from ME, not from a blurry drunk or hungover mind. Its hard to put into words what it feels like to look back and wonder if half the things you've said were true, or if you just said them and convinced yourself that they were. Its really great Trent quitting too, although I know he will have days where he is going to, its nice having sober time with him. We spent so much time drinking together I almost thought that when we quit that our relationship would get lost. I'm very thankful that it hasn't! Have I mentioned yet how much I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIM.


He has had some pain problems in his back so Ive been trying to help him feel better which basically has been me doing everything I can for him so he doesn't have to get up and down alot. Its been a little frustrating because the main thing is taking whiskey out constantly. He seems to go every 10 minutes and is outside forever so it gets annoying doing the up-down-stand outside thing. Trent would always help when he got off work so yah....GRR. But now on top of his back pain he is getting sick, he even came home from work yesterday. Poor guy cant sleep for nothing between the pain and sickness and all this just happen to fall after he denied his insurance. He's always had it before but never used it because he NEVER gets sick, and BAM, right when he needs it the most its gone. (Not that Mr. Stubborn Ass would even go to the doctor with it.) I wish I knew how to help him out but other than filling him full of soup and medicine I'm kind of lost. He has a strong immune system so I hope he is better by this weekend. I hope to hell I don't get it either, my immune system is shitty as hell. A normal 1 week cold for someone else lasts me at least 2 weeks if not longer. YIKES.


I guess onto the title of this post. I don't know if its nerves or stress but I had a horrible dream. When I  talked to my lawyer last week he was telling me about how people would have one last hoo-rah before they went on probation and they would end up failing their first UA. He was commending me on getting sober before I had to and I guess had a sense of pride that I was taking everything serious and would pass mine. I think that may have triggered my dream. I don't remember alot about it but it was before I was going to start 'probation' and somehow I had all this alcohol around me. I thought to myself that I was sober and was loving my new life and all of a sudden it didn't matter. I drank and drank and drank and just remember being so disappointed in myself once I was drunk, that I threw all my hard work down the drain. I woke up from my awful dream and had to take a minute to figure out if it was real or not. EVERYTHING about it felt so damn real and I woke up scared shitless. Ive had drinking dreams before but they have all been about my resisting. Going on vacation with Jen and Tina to Cancun and them drinking it up and me just following them around with a bottle and not daring take a drink of it. But I knew that was a dream....This one....UGH, I just hated it. I really hope they don't continue and this was a one-time thing, I hate bad dreams. I'm one of those people who remembers dreams, just about all of them, which I think is pretty funny because my memory is so terrible that I have to ask Trent what I had for breakfast the day before. Ha ha.

From Dreammoods.com, I guess it has some truth to it.

Well I guess I covered everything I wanted to. I feel like I could write all day but that would be a waste of all this eneregy I have. I feel like im going to explode! 


Scary dreams and sober thoughts, Rachel

Lazy?

Well I've gotten pretty lazy when it comes to my blog, mainly because I'm trying to become unlazy when it comes to everything else. I talked to my lawyer and got everything signed, I should be getting a call from probation this coming week or at the latest, next week. I really wish I was a few months in by now, but o'well. Its just a year and regardless of when I start I still wont be drinking after so it really doesn't matter. Ive been doing a pretty good job of keeping busy, I did at least 10 loads of laundry on I think Thursday, I still need to put up a good 3 or 4. I don't mind doing the laundry but I HATE putting it up. Especially the stuff that goes in the dresser.

My friend Jen found this little Gem and I'm going to recreate it in my 'laundry nook',
 complete with a real clothesline and clothespins!

I filled some more holes in the spare room (including replacing some drywall, ALL BY MYSELF, pretty proud of that one) and took off the boards over the window so I could get to those, I'll put new glass in on Friday. I really don't know why we haven't done it before now, Lord knows our summer electricity bill has been begging for it, especially since its only like 20 bucks to fix. WTF RACHEL!! I guess that out of sight - out of mind thing has some truth to it. I have a good hour of hole filling left to go and then I get to prime whats left. Hopefully by this weekend Ill get it all done and can start decorating. I still need sheets though and its driving me crazy! Ive found some things around the house that I've fixed up and painted that will really pull it together and also found some knick knacks at    Wal-Mart on sale in the colors of the room too, its bathroom stuff but I have a super cute idea for it. SO FAR its been pretty cheap to renovate (is that the right word?), my DIY skills in large part to that. :) I think I might do something similar for our bedroom if it turns out good. As much as I love my (wo)MAN CAVE, it never got finished and I'm getting kind of bored of it.

Ive quit drinking Monsters and Diet sodas to add to my list of *so good, yet so bad, and now so gone*. The water increase has really boosted my weight loss though. I started drinking Crystal Light Energy again and its a pretty good swap for the Monsters and alot healthier. I sure hope I keep up all these good habits. It seems I'm taking on alot at once and I really don't feel like reaching some kind of breaking point. I'm down over 15 pounds so far and I hope to lose another 15 by April 13th. That's really my only goal for now other than my year goal, which I guess would be at least 50 pounds from my current weight. Ive seen alot of people doing some kind of crazy HCG diet and you are suppose to lose like 1-2 pounds a day, NO THANK YOU. Every time I've ever lost that kind of weight it always comes right back. Not to mention its unhealthy as fuck and leaves you with loose skin. EWWW. Not only that but 100 bucks a month is just insane when you can eat right and exercise for free. People be crazyyyyy! I took a few pictures the other day and when I get to April 13th Ill post my before and afters, (assuming that breaking point doesn't ninja attack me.) I'm pretty impressed with my personal before and after pictures so far, so hopefully these will be the same!

Before I get to my good byes I thought I would share one of my favorite healthy indulgences :)

1 Cucumber
1 Green Bell Pepper
1 Red Bell Pepper
1 Celery stick
2 Tomatoes
1 can of whole kernel Corn
1/4 cup of low fat Ranch Dressing and low fat Italian Dressing mixed

Cut up all veggies to size of your liking, (I prefer mine small so you get good bites of everything). Mix it all together with the dressing and add pepper to taste. I RARELY use salt in anything I cook but if you do go ahead and salt away. I also like to add croutons, chow mien noodles, or almonds to top it off with depending on whats in the cabinets! Feel free to get creative and add anything you might like; olives, pickles, Tabasco, carrots, radishes etc....

Well its Walking Dead time and I'm ready to lay down and be lazy again :)

Healthy steps and sober thoughts, Rachel

One and done...

Well it seems to have taken longer than I wanted to update this thing. I wanted to wait until I got my PTD papers to do so, I guess so I could share them as well as my thoughts on them. Now that I've gotten them it doesn't seem as important. Its more my feelings that I want to share on. Nonetheless here is what it be.

-> My terms are alot of what I expected, I knew there was going to be alot of classes, I just didn't know to what extent. Some things weren't as bad as I thought, or was told. I'm going to sign them this week with my lawyer and get this damn thing started already. Ready or not, here I come. <-

 The arrival of my papers came along with the arrival of more tears. Tears of failure, of mourning, of fear, of anxiety, of  stress.
 I think the part that scares me the most is getting a job. I love to work, don't get me wrong. I just hate people. That sounds terrible, let me elaborate...I LOVE people. I love helping people who need it, I love kind people who believe a smile can change someones day, I love understanding people who see past your appearance and see YOU. I hate the kind of people I have worked with. People like Crystal Bednar. A bitter old woman I worked with at EZMONEY. I loved my job there. I met awesome people who took very well to my smile, honesty, and ear. I listened when they were worried or stressed, unlike Crystal who just wanted to get them out of her hair. Why 5 minutes of your time could be used to help someone have a little bit of a better day could be wasted to just add to the shittyness of it is beyond me. She was a devil of a woman and I honestly pity her. She was jealous that people who came in to see her all of a sudden preferred me, she was jealous that I was young and would get complimented and dare I say hit on, she didn't like that I was ballsy and would tell her like it was, she was just pitiful and bitter. I like jobs like that one, ones that I get to interact with and help people out - but because of the likes of her I now fear them. Everyday I see people working, and most of them have a shitty "I don't give a fuck" attitude and it pisses me off. I wish I was lucky enough to get jobs where I could just be a people person and be happy and be grateful that I have an easy job. People who complain about their "shitty" jobs need to work Trent's for just an hour. GET OVER YOURSELF. I just know I'm going to have to work with idiots like this and its going to take all my might not to go out with a BANG like I did at EZMONEY. That fake blond heifer of a devil tried to call the cops on me for clearing out my desk. The obscenities I screamed at her are of ones a sailor would be ashamed to blurt out drunk as piss in the presence of the drunkest of assholes. Lord knows my positivity can only be tested so much. I found a posting for a job at the Salvation Army that I'm going to apply for and I'm crossing my fingers that they are still hiring and would even consider me. I would love to work for such an awesome organization that's only intent is to just HELP.

I wish I wasn't the type of person who dwells and stresses over everything, but no matter how much I've tried to fight it, its just who I am. I know that this year is going to be alright. I know that financially we will be OK, we have always found a way to make. I know that I have it in me to do this and do it well. I know that I have incredible people behind me cheering me on and reassuring me of all that I KNOW. Its just really hard to keep reminding myself of that. Its hard to stay positive and not just jump to the negative and think "what happens WHEN I fail....". All the things that I'm going to be required to do are all things that I NEED, and for some reason seeing them all lined out and numbered and begging for my signature just scares the piss out of me. I want to get out of this year something I never would have had the courage to seek out myself. I want to learn everything that I can and apply it to the life I want to lead after this year is done. I just need to try and remind myself that its going to be alright, it doesn't take a superhuman to live and let be. This is my life for the next year and it cant be any harder than what I've done to myself and made it though over the last 10 years.

I guess the mourning tears tie into the fear of failing. I miss my mom so much and I wish she could be here with me. If anything to call and tell me that I'm making her proud and that she loves me no matter what. That I'm her daughter and she didn't raise a failure. That if she had to she would drive me everywhere I needed to go, walk my ass up to the door, and wait outside till I came out. Because well, that's just how my mom was. If life hasn't been hard enough without her, going through something this scary is even harder. Not just the PTD but sobriety as well. To be fair alot of my drinking stemmed from her death and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in this situation had she been here. I was trying to mask the pain, the tears, the emptiness. I have nobody to blame but myself but I had very little direction afterwards. I have family everywhere BUT HERE. Phone calls and texts only go so far. I guess I can only hope at this point that I can figure out how to "deal" with her death in a positive manner, and at the end of this have a better relationship with her, or shall I say her spirit? Sounds pretty crazy when I re-read that, but I'm pretty sure its what I meant to say. I want to make her proud still, I want to know in my heart that if she was still here she would be all smiles that I was just the way she hoped that I would turn out, fucked up past and fucked up situations and all. She was a hell of a woman that one.

I guess I can move into a lighter direction since my last tear has seemed to have fallen. Ive been trying to keep busy lately and I cant complain too much. Although some of it hasn't been what I would call "fun", its been rewarding. We fixed the part of the fence that "sausage" (my Jack Russell, Widget) and Tank (think a white/pit bull version of "The Beast" from 'The Sandlot') have eaten through and torn up so they can cleverly escape and cause chaotic glory in the neighborhood. I guess it is in great timing since I'm being forced to go to work and wont have to worry about them. It looks pretty good I might say. It would have been alot easier had they not torn up EVERYTHING we put back there from the spare room. I honestly gave them the benefit of the doubt to leave it be until we had a free Saturday to run it to the dump. BOY WAS I WRONG!! In comparison to how horrible its been, there isn't much work left until we have what can be described as a decent backyard. I love my dogs but man are they monsters of destruction! I still have yet to get back into my spare room, its kind of taken a back seat to the more important fix ups that need to be handled, but I plan on getting in there this week. (hopefully)

My hard work has also seemed to reward my waistline, not so much the scale though. (I'm assuming my fat is being magically transformed back into muscle, which ironically is heavier.) I have a youth sized Bret Favre jersey I've been throwing on here and there to see if there is ever a difference and its seem to be getting "bigger" on me. Bigger is a little exaggerated since my boobs seem to take up half the jersey, but it sure isn't as tight as it was a month ago. I'm in no hurry to shed the weight I've seemed to stack on these last few years. I'm fully aware that it didn't pack on over night and its not going to unpack itself in the same matter. I want to make sure I balance out my eating and 'exercise' (I'm not sure the things I've been doing can be considered exercise, but you pull weeds for 9 hours, rake for 3, and tear down a fence for 2 and tell me you cant feel the burn...) so my fat turns into muscle instead of just wasting away leaving me with old lady saggy skin. Somehow with my fatness I've managed to keep my muscle nicely 'hidden' underneath it. The fact that the only real flab I carry is in my inner thighs is quite alright with me. Even if it is the hardest place to get rid of, it also happens to be the the easiest for me to hide. Ive never been fond of shorty shorts and I love the hell out of some dude's b-ball shorts so that makes it all the more better.

Although today was a little on the emotional side I've stayed positive and all around happy, enjoying the zest for life Ive been reacquainted with. Trent and I went to the driving range this weekend to try out my new driver and I think I might actually let him teach me some things and try golfing out. It would be nice to pick up a healthy hobby that takes place in the sunlight along with the indoor ones I've mastered. I don't know what he will think of it since golf is his dude time, but if its a biggie I don't mind just sticking with our trips to the driving range and finding something else. Ill take what I can get from him since it seems to be so much lately. I really find myself loving the man more and more everyday. He gives up and gives so much to me with little in return and I couldn't imagine for any other reason than he just flat out loves the hell out of me.

I guess that's about all for now. Every dog in a 1 mile radius is going nuts and my little Whiskey wants in his kennel so he can be a part of the madness.

Blotchy red cry faces and sober thoughts, Rachel