Here we go....

What happened::: On June 4th, 2011 I was arrested for a DWI. It was my boyfriend's birthday and I decided to be the "sober driver". To bad I wasn't sober. Its my first DWI so I fortunately had some options. I went to court in October and was given the gift of a Pre Trial Diversion (PTD), which is from what i hear, pretty much like probation. I wont know the exact terms until I get my paperwork in the mail, but I've heard all kinds of things that might happen. ALL of which are OK by me. With PTD you complete a year program and after a year, your case is dismissed. The only thing that stays on record is your arrest. I'm really anxious to get started, but as if it hasn't taken long enough, I still have to wait a few more weeks.


Why blog:: This is going to be a hard year for me. By definition I am an alcoholic, whether I like it or not. Over the years ( I've been drinking since I was 13, heavily by the time I turned 16) Ive changed my drinking patterns from drinking nearly every day, to drinking whole bottles of vodka, to here lately drinking to the point that I black out, act a damn fool, then pass out somewhere unclothed. I would like to say I have a better control on my drinking since I don't drink everyday, but that would be a lie (beings how binge-drinking is in no way controlled, especially when blacked out). I think having an outlet for all the emotions, stress, and urges to drink will be really good for my sobriety.


I think the thing that makes me different from other people who have been in my situation, is that I RECOGNIZE I have a problem, and I WANT to change. I cant live like this forever. Its already taking a toll on my mind and body. At 25 I seriously feel like I'm pushing 35, and although that isn't old, I really just want to wake up feeling my age. I want to not have to have a babysitter if I go out or to a friends. And most of all, I want to break the cycle that has tortured generation after generation of both sides of my family. If I ever have kids I DO NOT want them to see the things I saw or the person I am when I'm drunk. I'm not putting the blame on anyone, but my first drink when I was 13 was right after my grandma died. I had grown up watching my dad drink like a sailor so I thought it was normal, but watching him drink his feelings away about my grandma was something different. He was the one who had broke into my grandma's house and found her. He didn't take it easy at all, and as if it wasn't horrible enough, her body had been there for 3 days. I cant even imagine how he felt. But when he drank after that day, I saw a different side of booze....It masked the pain. It had made him emotionless, as if it had never happened. I wanted that feeling. I was tired of crying and being sad. So I went to my grandma's friends house and stayed the weekend. Her and her husband were older and went to bed early and I knew they always kept beer in the house. I waited for them to go to sleep, grabbed a 6 pack and wandered down the street drinking like a veteran wino. By the time I made it back home to her house I had, at 13 downed a 6 pack, and achieved my numb. I went to sleep without a care in the world and I was in-love. My dad was a good dad, but I'm pretty sure if he knew the choices that he made in front of me would effect me the way they did, he would go back and do things differently. THAT is what I'm doing for myself. I'm going to learn to live in a way in which my kids can look back at me and say I was one hell of a good role model. I know I'm never going to be perfect but the things that I CAN CONTROL, I'm going to.


I didn't think my first post was going to be nearly this long but my fingers and brain got carried away. I hope I can keep up with this blog, this time, I have a terrible habit of not finishing things I start.


Fresh starts and sober thoughts, Rachel.