AA

Well last night I "attended" my first AA meeting. Ive gone with friends before for support, but this was something I wanted to do. It was online, which I had no idea even existed. I actually loved it so much that I stayed for the "after meeting chat" and continued to stay right on through the next meeting. I didn't think I would be so excited for something Ive kind of been fearing. And surprisingly I learned alot more in the short time I was there than I ever expected to. Everyone welcomed me with open arms, which was a relief. I didn't really know what to expect beings how it was online, but it actually made things alot easier. There wasn't any pressure, nobody was staring you down or judging you. And not to say that that's how meetings are, but I have been to some like that. I'm going to assume it's just human nature, or maybe just immaturity. But either way it's nice not having that present. I wish they could count for my court appointed meetings that I will start having to attend, but you cant always get what you want. Looks like I will have 2 AA families, which is fine by me!!

I didn't think of AA as being a big part of my sobriety when I was first dealt my hand of cards. I thought to myself that I would go because I had to and that I would just do what I did last Feb. and go cold turkey.  As logical as that sounded in my head, I'm glad that is not the plan I'm going with. A year is alot longer than a month. I could have at any moment in THAT month, given up and drank as much as I wanted. This time around I'm not going to have that luxury. If I don't stay strong, its going to effect alot more than how I feel about myself and my lousy self control. I will put us financially into a tailspin that we cant afford, and I will be CHARGED with my DWI. For me that is NOT an option. Although I have made many mistakes in my past, shown weakness, had a lack of self control, and been pretty much a poor excuse for someone who should be a role model to their younger siblings, I know that I am an amazing, strong, inspirational person. Ive just lost touch with that person over the years. I think with AA I can not only find that person in myself that I so very much long for, but I can also learn to build relationships with my family, friends, and faith more than I ever have.



As for today, I attended my 3rd meeting, which I didn't think was going to happen. All hell seemed to have broke loose with the dogs right before I logged on and I REALLY wanted to just say fuck it and have Trent pick up some beer. That really makes it sound like I drink when the littlest of shit happens, but it really isn't like that. I haven't drank in a few nights and today just seemed like one of those stressful type days where a good cold beer seems to make the day better. Even Trent said he was going to pick up some beer on his way home, but didn't. I'm glad he supports me. But anyhow, after I had timed out of the pre-meeting chat and dealt with my annoying ass dogs, I took a few breaths and logged back in. I'm really glad I could calm down and just take everything in. It was about acceptance which is something that isn't going to be easy for me. I haven't gotten into the BB quite yet, but that is certainly going to be my next step. Hopefully then, I will be able to learn more about acceptance and how to deal with it better!

I think this is gonna be it for tonight. I'm going to enjoy my night with my babe and hopefully sneak in another meeting tonight before bed. Hopefully I get some good sleep and start tomorrow out alot better than today.

Days not wasted and sober thoughts, Rachel.