Getting out of debt is fun stuff!

Well I finally filed our taxes! Seemed like it was never going to happen. Usually we have them filed and get our money by my birthday (Jan 17th). Its a good thing I went low-key this year and wasn't planning my b-day according to money we wouldn't have had. Our original plan was to put everything we got back into fixing up the house, plans seem to never work. I think now we are going to get as far out of debt as we can. The less bills we have each month, the less stress I will have to deal with when I sit down and plan them out.

One of the biggest things we were gonna do was get some new flooring in, I hope we can still manage that (for the living room and hallway at least). I'm so tired of this ucky carpet. So many beer spills and stains (not to mention puppy pee pee from training Whiskey). I wanted to just do vinyl flooring for now (as Whiskey is still confused on where to go??), and get some really cool rugs that go with the theme of everything. I'm a great budget shopper so hopefully I find something. We also wanted to get a new door for the backdoor. My Dad (Dougie Fresh) got us a new door installed in the front for Xmas, and it is so damn awesome and sturdy, that I would feel even safer having it in the back as well!

THE BIGGEST THING, is getting my tickets paid off and my license re-instated! I was so excited to get it back for a short while and was suppose to start working after my new door. But as I said before, plans have an awesome way of not working out. Thankfully it hasn't been as stressful as I thought it would be. My lawyer has been awesome in working with me as far as when I start my program and the extra money my Dad (Mike) gave me, have been a blessing. Hopefully with paying some of our debt down, we will have enough room for me to take my time finding a job that I actually like and will succeed at. I'm so tired of working jobs that I hate, for people that I cant stand, for money that seems to disappear as soon as I get it. We seemed to learn how to save money through this ordeal, so I'm really excited to keep it up. Then hopefully we can little by little get the things done that I want to do with the house. No more throwing money away on beer and hangover munchies is going to really help!

Well that's it for now, just needed to share my excitement and ideas.

Optimist Prime outlook and sober thoughts, Rachel

Sharing is Caring

Well I'm really excited to report that last night in my AA meeting, I SHARED. I was so scared, and I don't know why. I had spent Sunday getting to know everyone there, and they were all really awesome people...Not scary or intimidating at all... I guess in a way I think that somehow I don't deserve to speak up, that what I have to say isn't as important as what someone else could say. But I learned that my thought has no truth to it. There have been things that people have said that made light bulbs go off for me, and I realized that I very well could be holding the switch for someone else. Ive done 2 meetings a day so far and I think I'm going to try really hard to stick with 2 for as long as I can. The other awesome thing that I love, is that its almost like a 24 hour meeting. There are 5-6 meetings a day but in between there is open chat, which is almost like having a group of sponsors at your disposal. I pray that this really helps me and opens my eyes. I would love nothing more than after my year of forced sobriety that I WANT to STAY sober. I just know that if I start drinking again I'm going to end up the same way I always do, and I really don't like that part of me.


Well just wanted to get that off my mind, through my fingers, and onto my virtual paper.

Ill be back!

3 days down and sober thoughts, Rachel

AA

Well last night I "attended" my first AA meeting. Ive gone with friends before for support, but this was something I wanted to do. It was online, which I had no idea even existed. I actually loved it so much that I stayed for the "after meeting chat" and continued to stay right on through the next meeting. I didn't think I would be so excited for something Ive kind of been fearing. And surprisingly I learned alot more in the short time I was there than I ever expected to. Everyone welcomed me with open arms, which was a relief. I didn't really know what to expect beings how it was online, but it actually made things alot easier. There wasn't any pressure, nobody was staring you down or judging you. And not to say that that's how meetings are, but I have been to some like that. I'm going to assume it's just human nature, or maybe just immaturity. But either way it's nice not having that present. I wish they could count for my court appointed meetings that I will start having to attend, but you cant always get what you want. Looks like I will have 2 AA families, which is fine by me!!

I didn't think of AA as being a big part of my sobriety when I was first dealt my hand of cards. I thought to myself that I would go because I had to and that I would just do what I did last Feb. and go cold turkey.  As logical as that sounded in my head, I'm glad that is not the plan I'm going with. A year is alot longer than a month. I could have at any moment in THAT month, given up and drank as much as I wanted. This time around I'm not going to have that luxury. If I don't stay strong, its going to effect alot more than how I feel about myself and my lousy self control. I will put us financially into a tailspin that we cant afford, and I will be CHARGED with my DWI. For me that is NOT an option. Although I have made many mistakes in my past, shown weakness, had a lack of self control, and been pretty much a poor excuse for someone who should be a role model to their younger siblings, I know that I am an amazing, strong, inspirational person. Ive just lost touch with that person over the years. I think with AA I can not only find that person in myself that I so very much long for, but I can also learn to build relationships with my family, friends, and faith more than I ever have.



As for today, I attended my 3rd meeting, which I didn't think was going to happen. All hell seemed to have broke loose with the dogs right before I logged on and I REALLY wanted to just say fuck it and have Trent pick up some beer. That really makes it sound like I drink when the littlest of shit happens, but it really isn't like that. I haven't drank in a few nights and today just seemed like one of those stressful type days where a good cold beer seems to make the day better. Even Trent said he was going to pick up some beer on his way home, but didn't. I'm glad he supports me. But anyhow, after I had timed out of the pre-meeting chat and dealt with my annoying ass dogs, I took a few breaths and logged back in. I'm really glad I could calm down and just take everything in. It was about acceptance which is something that isn't going to be easy for me. I haven't gotten into the BB quite yet, but that is certainly going to be my next step. Hopefully then, I will be able to learn more about acceptance and how to deal with it better!

I think this is gonna be it for tonight. I'm going to enjoy my night with my babe and hopefully sneak in another meeting tonight before bed. Hopefully I get some good sleep and start tomorrow out alot better than today.

Days not wasted and sober thoughts, Rachel.

Here we go....

What happened::: On June 4th, 2011 I was arrested for a DWI. It was my boyfriend's birthday and I decided to be the "sober driver". To bad I wasn't sober. Its my first DWI so I fortunately had some options. I went to court in October and was given the gift of a Pre Trial Diversion (PTD), which is from what i hear, pretty much like probation. I wont know the exact terms until I get my paperwork in the mail, but I've heard all kinds of things that might happen. ALL of which are OK by me. With PTD you complete a year program and after a year, your case is dismissed. The only thing that stays on record is your arrest. I'm really anxious to get started, but as if it hasn't taken long enough, I still have to wait a few more weeks.


Why blog:: This is going to be a hard year for me. By definition I am an alcoholic, whether I like it or not. Over the years ( I've been drinking since I was 13, heavily by the time I turned 16) Ive changed my drinking patterns from drinking nearly every day, to drinking whole bottles of vodka, to here lately drinking to the point that I black out, act a damn fool, then pass out somewhere unclothed. I would like to say I have a better control on my drinking since I don't drink everyday, but that would be a lie (beings how binge-drinking is in no way controlled, especially when blacked out). I think having an outlet for all the emotions, stress, and urges to drink will be really good for my sobriety.


I think the thing that makes me different from other people who have been in my situation, is that I RECOGNIZE I have a problem, and I WANT to change. I cant live like this forever. Its already taking a toll on my mind and body. At 25 I seriously feel like I'm pushing 35, and although that isn't old, I really just want to wake up feeling my age. I want to not have to have a babysitter if I go out or to a friends. And most of all, I want to break the cycle that has tortured generation after generation of both sides of my family. If I ever have kids I DO NOT want them to see the things I saw or the person I am when I'm drunk. I'm not putting the blame on anyone, but my first drink when I was 13 was right after my grandma died. I had grown up watching my dad drink like a sailor so I thought it was normal, but watching him drink his feelings away about my grandma was something different. He was the one who had broke into my grandma's house and found her. He didn't take it easy at all, and as if it wasn't horrible enough, her body had been there for 3 days. I cant even imagine how he felt. But when he drank after that day, I saw a different side of booze....It masked the pain. It had made him emotionless, as if it had never happened. I wanted that feeling. I was tired of crying and being sad. So I went to my grandma's friends house and stayed the weekend. Her and her husband were older and went to bed early and I knew they always kept beer in the house. I waited for them to go to sleep, grabbed a 6 pack and wandered down the street drinking like a veteran wino. By the time I made it back home to her house I had, at 13 downed a 6 pack, and achieved my numb. I went to sleep without a care in the world and I was in-love. My dad was a good dad, but I'm pretty sure if he knew the choices that he made in front of me would effect me the way they did, he would go back and do things differently. THAT is what I'm doing for myself. I'm going to learn to live in a way in which my kids can look back at me and say I was one hell of a good role model. I know I'm never going to be perfect but the things that I CAN CONTROL, I'm going to.


I didn't think my first post was going to be nearly this long but my fingers and brain got carried away. I hope I can keep up with this blog, this time, I have a terrible habit of not finishing things I start.


Fresh starts and sober thoughts, Rachel.