Its over already?

Well it's Sunday, which makes me super sad. Especially since Trent played Golf all afternoon and it was a Saturday working weekend. I hate Saturday working weekends, but at least at NOV it's only 2 instead of EVERY weekend like at Martifer. I seemed to have pulled weeds all weekend which proved to be alot more of a 'pain' than I thought they would be. I am sore out of my mind. My thighs, butt, and even hands are screaming bloody murder at me right now. It feels like I got in a bar fight. I really wanted to lay down a brick pathway to Whiskey's kennel but I'll have to do that this week when I'm not walking like an old penguin granny. It was nice being out in the sunshine though, I even got a little burn that hopefully turns into the beginnings of a tan. The only problem with the sunshine is that I'm figuring out that it makes me want a drink. I don't really know why, but both days I was out pulling weeds I had a strong craving. Monster energy drinks have seemed to be my fix for now but I need to figure out how to manage it much better since its always sunny and many days are spent outside and at the lake.

Today I finished painting a hutch for the spare room that I'm fixing up. I love it so much that I'm starting to contemplate putting it in the living room or dining room despite the fact that there is zero room for it. This is not the first time that this has happened with something for the room. I painted a mirror that I keep wanting to put in here as well. I really need to get back in that room and finish filling the 8 gazillion holes already so I can finally start pulling everything together. Filling holes is just not as fun as I would like it to be. Maybe if I just go and buy the colored paint it will motivate my ass. It feels really good to look around and see that I'm finally starting to get things done around here. We are going this coming weekend to find new couches and I am beyond excited. Its been quite awhile since we had brand spanking new ones, 2005 maybe? I'm pretty sure we have gone through over 15 since then, thanks to drunken dumb-ass-ness. :) Next on the list NEEDS to be floors. If I have to look at my God awful floors for much longer I am going to flip my lid.

Not a very good before pic, but it is what it is.

The after, I might still do some artsy stuffs to it though.

I talked to Trent tonight about alot of the feelings I'm having to deal with sober and it lead to a much needed breakdown. Its the first sober tears Ive cried in awhile, and as hard as it was, it felt really good to just let go. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be the last time by a long shot.

All in all for a short weekend it was good. I'm glad if I couldn't really do anything, per se, that I could at least get some things done. I hope I keep it up, maybe then I wont be the only big change that happens over this next year, but mi casa as well. :) Anywho, that is all for now. Hopefully tomorrow I have an update on my P.T.D. terms, I dont think I can wait any longer at this point. -_-

Productive weekends and sober thoughts, Rachel

This is where things get serious.

I talked to my lawyers leading lady this past week and I'm expecting to see my P.T.D papers in the mail in the next few days that explain the next year of my life. I'm really starting to get nervous. Getting sober before I'm the state's property and am forced too, makes me feel a little more at ease (since it was by my own free will), but I'm still super scared.

I'm scared to mess up, I'm scared to let myself down, scared to trust myself that I will do what is expected of me. Since my mom died I haven't felt that I need to meet anybodies or anythings expectations, or really even care for that matter. This is a whole new ballpark though. The repercussions are ones I've never been faced with or had to deal with. Its not just disappointment or resentments. Its jail, its the life I've grown to love and have actually started to live, its death if I go back to the way I was. I really need to sit down and think about things. I need to remind myself that this is good for me. That this was and is a blessing in disguise. That life is too important to waste. That I'm becoming a better person everyday and things can only get better from here.

I talked to someone near and dear to me tonight and I opened up about things that very few people know. Everyone has always seen me as this crazy wild drunk girl (and sometimes annoying and TOO CRAZY). But the truth of the matter is that I have spent the last 6 years in a state of depression and destruction. A few people know of my cutting. Its something I have struggled with since I was 15. In the last few years it has gotten beyond out of control. Its disgusting to look at my scars and see what I've done to myself. Something so small and insignificant at the time has left me with life long scars. The urge is there when its there and when I'm sober I can control it. I walk it off, I scream into a pillow, I throw some really loud music on and just cry. When I was drunk it was a completely different story. I would cut. I would cut so deep I could see my insides, I would cut more than when I would slip up when I was sober, I wouldn't quit until I physically couldn't take the pain anymore. Its really hard for me to talk about this because everyone thinks of cutters as being emo and crying out for attention. That's far from the truth, or at least for me. Trent threatened to leave me all the time and it wouldn't even phase me. I got sneakier. I started doing it on my legs and feet and just wouldn't wear shorts or would always wear socks. I cut because I felt, and well, feel, out of control. The pain though, I could control. I need to maintain some kind of control. If only to feel that I'm still living. I wanted and want to live. Its never about just wanting to die.

Which I guess leads me to the other thing, of which only a few people know as well. Its even harder for me to talk about. I don't think my family or brother even know about it. I didn't want them to be scared or to get lectured or feel any worse than I feel about it. In December 2010 after some bad shit happened, I tried to kill myself. I got shit faced drunk and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Alot of the feelings had to do with what had happened, but that's not something I want to publicly address. The fact of the matter is that had my ass been sober I wouldn't have done it. I don't know what I would have done, but I know that I would have never tried to take my own life. The reason I feel the need to say these things now, is that when I say sobriety for me is about life or death, it is just that. Ive spent so much time trying to hide the bad things about myself and come off as in control of things that it in the end it has been my downfall. Nobody knew how bad things had gotten so nobody knew to try and help me. Trent wouldn't know about things till after he had either found out on his own or I had told him. I would promise not to go and get beer and I would wait for him to fall asleep and go and do these things. I would hide all evidence and when he found out I would promise that it wasn't going to happen again and just get sneakier. I sometimes feel that if I had called either of my dads or my uncle or a million of the other family members that care about me and told them the Gods honest truth about what I was going through that maybe I could have found some kind of direction. But then again I'm a hard headed little spitfire and free will is my worst enemy.

I want people to know the truth. I don't want to ask everyone to stand behind me and support me and keep the wool over their eyes as to how bad drinking really is to me. I don't want pity and I don't want to be judged. The things that have happened, happened, and they cant be changed. But I can change. I can change the way I act and react to things that happen in life. I also want that if someone who may need help reads this, that maybe they can take something from it. I don't have much of a story but the one I have could change a life. Ive been though things in my life that are shameful, things that have redirected my whole life path, things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, Ive lost more people that I love than I can count on both hands. I tried drinking everything away. Ive tried for over 10 years. I have accomplished more in almost a month of sobriety than I have in all of those 10 years.

I don't know how to end this, or if it should even end here. But I really hope that this post doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. I hope that people take it for what it is, honesty, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry to the people that I SHOULD HAVE opened up to && I'm sorry to the people that had to carry these issues on their shoulders for so long without really knowing what to do, and I'm sorry that I even asked you to. Thank you to those people.

Open hearts and sober thoughts, Rachel

A Million Little brick shitting Oprah fans.

So last night I was telling Trent about "A Million Little Pieces", (the book I'm reading about a fella who goes to rehab) and the whole Oprah controversy and "scandal" surrounding the book.
(It was published as non-fiction when in reality there were alot of things fabricated. Events that took place that he wasn't a part of, or things that he was involved in but were elaborated for the sake of good reading. Alot of people including Oprah, felt they had been lied to and some even demanded a refund, which with proof, they actually got.)

 I was telling him about the use of my favorite word 'fuck', that the book is consumed with. 'Fuck' just happens to be my favorite word so the more the merrier for me. I was telling him that I could not imagine in a million years Oprah actually reading this book. Whether it be in a bubble bath, in bed, or listening to it on audio while running her jiggly ass on her treadmill. Here is an excerpt from the chapter I'm on right now. James is talking to 2 other guys in rehab named Ed and Ted. Ed is telling the story of a bald spot on his head that he covers with a bandanna every day.

(The way I typed the excerpt out is exactly as the book is written, there are no quotation marks, there is at certain times hardly ever a way to tell who is talking, or if certain things are being said or thought. This is one of the things I absolutely love about this book.)

I was doing this married lady. One night we're in a bar and her husband walks in. We decide to go outside and as I'm walking out, he cracks me over the head with a bottle. I go down and he kicks my nuts. Now I'm really down. He leans over and grabs my hair right here.
He makes a grabbing motion on the top of his forehead.
And he knows when he grabs that shit that I had plugs put in nine months earlier, and he fucking pulls and pulls till he pulls the Motherfuckers right the fuck out. Now my head's all fucked up and scarred and shit.
I wince.
Fuck.
Ted speaks.
Ask him how he got that Bastard back.
Ed speaks.
Shut the fuck up, Ted.
Tell him you got him back.
I'm gonna kick your ass in a minute.
Ted looks at me.
He didn't do nothing. He let some Motherfucker pull his goddamn hair plugs right the fuck out of his head and he didn't do nothing to him. Id a shot that Motherfucker's dick off and served it to his Momma on a sandwich.

This is a book that Oprah told her fans to read. Who the fuck are her fans? I was under the impression that it was mostly old ladies and housewives. If my grandma read this book she would shit her pants and have a heart attack. If I was the one that had told her to read it she would have me committed!!!

Anyhow, I just thought I would share how awesome this book is and how crazy Oprah is. I still hate that cow for taking over the Discovery Health channel. It was one of my most favorite channels.

Lots of fucks and sober thoughts, Rachel.

This is where the frustration sets in....

Well I guess I will start this post out by saying that today I am thankful. With that being said, I'm starting to get frustrated and its due to nothing more than my overactive mind. 2 weeks ago I was starting to have doubts with the AA program. I am agnostic and its heavy on the God and HP thing and its just hard for me to jump balls deep into something that's like that. I don't want to feel like I'm being forced to believe in things that I don't, I'm not a hypocrite and I have no intention of becoming one. I talked to someone in AA about my doubts and things seem to be looking up. Well now I'm reading this book by James Frey called "A Million Little Pieces", and the Character James has very similar views as myself. He has just read the testimonials section in the BB and shares his thoughts, and I couldn't agree more. "Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on the avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their meetings and their Dogma, and they have nothing, take them away and they are back where they started, they have an addiction." When I started doing my online AA meetings I was doing 2 a day if not more. I was constantly on the computer trying to get my fix for the day.Trying to figure out how to just be. Just like when I was drinking, nothing else around me mattered. I ignored Trent, the dog, my brother when he came over, phone calls, etc. I thought it was just me concentrating on getting better, But last night while reading I was reminded of something my Dad had told me. He had told me after he got sober he would find himself getting addicted to other things, candy, sodas, anything really. And it dawned on me that although I am an addict and recovering, I still have that addicting personality. I don't want to be addicted to AA, I don't want a seed implanted in my head that if I don't do what I am told that I AM GOING to relapse. I'm not saying that I'm going to quit before I really even start. I just need to be aware of the fact that I have a problem. I also have free will, a strong mind, and an understanding that its a life or death situation. If I continue to drink the way that I have, it will eventually kill me. Putting down the bottle is alot easier than living life in a blur and hungover in a state that resembles neither fantasy or reality, but in lingo between the two. I don't need anyone forcing my hand.

 The other thing that was addressed in the book is that AA makes you relive pretty much all the bad shit you have done in order to make an amends. Also something I have been questioning since starting AA. How am I suppose to move on in my life and embrace the future if I'm in a situation that is making me relive the awful past.
The things I have done are aware to me and the people around me and I honestly believe the best amends I can make is to say, "Sorry, I fucked up", and to make a WANTED change. To be someone so good that they cant even remember the bad. I don't know, I guess these are all things I will have to figure out as I go. I just know that I'm a dweller and I really don't want this to consume me.
What I want out of sobriety is to live my life day by day without drinking and love harder than the day before. I want to accept that without vices life can be tough, but at least its living in an honest nature, and in an actually reality. That the things I say and do are from me, my heart, and my mind, not from the bottom of a bottle.



I'm going to continue reading this book I started and I hope I can take a few things from it. To me it is such a brilliant honest book. The controversy surrounding it is pretty interesting as well. Apparently Mr. Frey had written it as a fiction book but publishers wouldn't pick it up. He was told as a non-fiction book it would be pretty much epic. Oprah went and added it to her list of books she crams down Americas throats and it sky rocketed in sales. It was later found out that he had "lied". Well to me a good book is a good book. The fact that what I'm reading may or may not have happened to him doesn't effect my thoughts on the book. Apparently Oprah has different opinions. Its a good thing I don't give 2 shits about her or her fan base of minion opinions.





Anyhow, that's about all for now. My mind is a bit more clear and things shall start to get done around here.

Blurry brains and sober thoughts, Rachel

I wasn't done talking about cheese....

Some things I forgot to mention that I find mention-worthy.

• My week worth of agonizing tooth pain was due to not 1, but 2 wisdom teeth making little to no painful headway. After my swollen giant face went back to my normal sized fat face, I felt the tippy tip top part of my top wisdom tooth. Thank you America that they finally feel better! I was about 2 days away from letting Jen do open-heart surgery on my gums.

• I found these little things called "Skunkies" at Bed, Bath and Beyond expensive, and you stick em in your shoes. They make your whats supposed to be girl smelling shoes smell less like boys gym shoes.

• My bladder is broken and I don't think duct tape, Dr. Phil, or the Wonder Pets can help. I peed myself while sneezing this weekend. I felt like the most awesome 25 year old ever. Hi my name is Rachel and I pee a little when I sneeze.

• I have figured out that my favorite drink EVER helps my worst problem ever. Pickle juice makes your heartburn go away.

I think that's all now.

Baby bladders and sober thoughts, Rachel

Hi. I like cheese.

Jesus is the O.G. of zombies.

Well hi there. How are you? Oh good....Me, I'm fine. I haven't been back to my online AA group since I checked in to announce that I was still sober. I don't know when I'll go to my next one but I hope I pick my momentum back up soon. It's seriously just nice spending time with Trent and not being preoccupied. I have a tendency to let things consume me and I really need to learn how to balance life in general. I'm still sober though and that's all that really matters. I'm still enjoying my hangover-free lifestyle and not eating copious amounts of indigestible crap. I haven't had the urge to drink again which is super awesome as well.
I think more than anything I'm enjoying Trent not drinking.
Its hard to handle his crazy drunk ass when I'm sober and I'm glad I haven't had to.
I think he's addicted to energy drinks now. I really don't know which is worse. He reminds me of a sugar high 8 year old after he drinks one or 5. And I'm pretty sure after this weekend I wont be going in public with him after he has drank any. Either that or I'm going to go around throwing shit on the ground yelling "I'm not going to be part of your system"...It worked when I went to the mall with my brother, he stopped acting like an asshole real quick.
Only my brother has the worst sense of humor ever and told me to grow up and stop acting like an idiot. Idiot works for me.
 I don't do normal very well at all. It leads to a lot of resentment and the undying want to see a therapist and figure out "whats wrong with me". ( I just had a flash of Charlie Harper, aka Charlie Sheen pop in my  head. I wish we were friends. He's my kind of people.)

ANYWHO-HA




This weekend has been fun. We haven't really "done" anything but hang out, but its been good. We did clean up the garage yesterday which was nice beings how it looked like a tornado hit it. Now it looks like a tidy tornado just skimmed through and only tore up half the shit in it. Ill take what I can get, especially since I actually had help this time. There were alot of beer cans and bottles in there that I completely forgot about, I seriously felt like a hoarding slob while throwing them all away.  I didn't do anything with the spare room this weekend since Trent had 3 days off, but I did look up stuff that I want to decorate it with. I wish I wasn't so A.D.D, I seem to change my mind every time I turn around and I refuse to buy anything yet knowing I could very well go a different direction. I'm pretty sure Ill wait to shop until the paint is on the walls and I strip away all possibility of having to make 34 shopping trips in attempt to exchange stuffy stuffs.

Today I went to my friend Jens, shes awesome. We just rekindled our friendship in December after having a good 2 years in between the time that we had been friends. It was a pretty weird 2 years beings how we use to be tight as hell but shit happens. Because of it though, I have learned yet again, that working with friends is a terrible idea. Especially one that you have known for almost half your life and you know just how to piss each other off. Ha ha. Its pretty awesome that even with there being so much time between us being friends we went right back to normal. One of the normals I actually don't mind. With not having a real close family for so long I always considered my family my friends so its really good for my insides to have that normalcy back. That and she is just as crazy as me. I love crazy.


I
ALSO
LOVE
DINOSAURS





I once again forgot to get a scale this weekend and my broke one is saying I've gained 6 pounds. I think it just hates me and wants me to feel like the fattest heifer on earth. I don't know who can gain 6 pounds in a few days with eating healthy food and not having fat attacks but whatever. I did however have some awesome nachos at Jen's from Mejor Que Nada. MMMMMM. They're flipping awesome. And probably fattening as hell but oh well. There is going to be alot of fat burning action going on in the spare room so all is going to be forgiven.



Something not so forgiven, I commented on some chick's picture yesterday on a facebook group that she looked like Chewbacca, and I got banned. They found it offensive, I found it to be factual and am offended that people take life so serious. If someone told me I looked like Chewbacca I would take it as a compliment, he has some nice hair.

 Mine is more like Barbie hair, not even Barbie hair...The hair that comes on Barbie's horse that comes out of its ass...The tail, that's it, the tail. But only after it got knotted up, chewed on by the dog, then soaked in baby oil so when you rip the brush through it to get the tangles out, you rip out half its ass hair.




Well that is all for now. I've rambled on for far too long.


A.D.D ramblings and Sober thoughts, Rachel

Catching up :)

Well its been over a week since Ive been here, HELLO. I am now 18 days sober WOOT WOOT and coming live to you from my new laptop. Which is proving really difficult to get use to typing with. Anyhow things....things....things....Things have been good. They can't be too bad so long as I'm sober. We paid off some debt and got caught up on bills which is such a relief! Its going to cut our bills down by $480 per month. :) (I keep pressing random buttons that are doing very random things, lol) Anyhow, I also payed out the butt to get my license back ($835). I go tomorrow to take my picture and get my temp license, I really hope my picture doesn't come out retarded faced. I'm excited to go job hunting and finally attend some f2f meetings. But really just getting out of the house will be nice.

I have literally felt like a prisoner. Besides the occasional outing to the grocery store or Jen whisking me away on a romatical date, (ha ha) I'm always here. Whiskey has driven me up the walls as well as a horrible toothache, damn wisdom teeth. Its been the first test of my sobriety. I really wanted some liquor to numb the shit out of it. Lord knows I'm not gonna gargle and just spit tho, so Ive been living off of ibuprofen and easily chewed food for a week now. Its not too bad tho, Ive lost probably close to 6 pounds. I would have an exact number if my scale wasn't broken. It said in 1 day I gained 4 pounds when all I had eaten in 24 hours was some mashed potatoes and soup. LOL. I'm hoping to lose another 15-20 by April 13th, which is when Trent's mommy is marrying Benny Wayne. I'm pretty excited for the occasion.

Hmmmm what else....I'm starting to fix up our spare room. It use to be my brothers old room and we haven't messed with it since we moved in in 2006, Its a flipping disaster! Alot of holes, the windows were busted out and have wood over them, the walls are stained with what I'm going to assume is man ass and cigarette smoke. We did put linoleum in it when we moved in tho, we had to! It was pretty bad as well. I swear boys are the most disgusting creatures ever. I'm trying to do it all myself as a 'keeping busy project'. The only thing I can't do is replace outlets, so Trent will take care of that. I'm making him do it this weekend and after that he won't see the room till its done. I freaking love doing stuff like this, if I wasn't such a perfectionist I would probably do it as a living. That and I like doing things at my own pace.

RAWR, I'm so sleep deprived but im excited to finally have a computer again. I had decided to use the money I originally set aside from income tax for my laptop to pay more bills and RIGHT AFTER I paid the last bill, the computer totally pooped out. But it worked out really well becuase Trent had an awesome 2 weeks at workey work and we could afford an even better computer. I guess being responisble has its benefits. That and having the bestest fiance ever. He works so damn hard and somehow im the one that gets spoiled. Im gonna make sure that that changes up though!!! Trent has a want-list a mile long and I cant wait till he gets to start checking stuff off of it. Speaking of bragging, Mr. Trent who has supported my sobriety from day one has gone ABOVE AND BEYOND. He said he was going to cut back drinking but he has literally drank once in 18 days. And it was a 6 pack, he wanted more but he quit after a 6 pack. Im so damned proud of him! He loves me so damn much, I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

Its late and im sleepy faced. It was good clearing out my brain, but now im just digging for dust bunnies,

Yawnfaces and sober thoughts, Rachel.