hey girl hey.

Hey readers! How are y'all doing?

For me this week has been a BLAH one. I kind of got laid off, hopefully its temporary because I really don't want to find a new job. It really sucks but was kind of predictable with things being slow, it happens though and I completely understand. I think more than anything my pride was hurt because although Trent can take care of all my fees and shit for me I really wanted to do it MYSELF. Ive never really had anything I HAD to pay for or even wanted to pay for myself but I really wanted to take care of this. Big fat RAWRFACE for real. Normally after such a crappy situation like this I would have drank myself to sleep and boy did I want to, despite the consequences, but I took it better than I thought I would. I also would have stressed myself to no end but without the anxiety drinking caused, I'm realizing that sweating the small stuff is a waste of time.

GOOD GIRL, you're living and learning!

I had my first 2 hour counseling session on Thursday and much to my surprise I actually enjoyed it. I thought it would be hard opening up to a stranger but it felt really good. The part that was hard to swallow was talking about my childhood and everything I endured and hearing that she was surprised I was alive after everything I had been through. WOW. I know Ive had a rough life but I didn't think it was too extreme. I guess when you go through and talk about ALL the bad shit vs. "this one time", it all comes out like a fucked up Lifetime movie. I'm pretty glad I'm still here, alive and kicking. I kinda fibbed about how often I drank but the amount I could down (at least a 20 pack every time I drank and over a 30 pack on a "good" night) surprised the hell out of her. Apparently when you're drinking fast and A LOT your liver kind of shuts down and doesn't even process it anymore, just spits it right back out.  I'm really looking forward to going back and if I do (have to) find a good job that pays good, I'm actually considering going to a counselor for awhile. Talking to someone and figuring out how to deal with everything I struggle with internally might really help me stay sober in the long run (plus my wonderful AA group). She's pretty understanding for an older broad but I guess being a former addict herself helps her relate more than some snobby old church hen.

Other than everything that's been going on Ive been feeling kind of BLAH. Ive been staying up late and sleeping in and I don't know whats going on. I have pretty much NO ENERGY and overall feel like I'm a funk. I think maybe trying to cut back on caffeine is doing it to me and I don't like that AT ALL. I LOVE my Monsters <3 The thing that sucks the most is that Ive been slacking off on working out and I'm so disappointed in myself. I couldn't take it anymore today and FORCED myself to and I'm glad I did. Now to continue on and stop letting MYSELF get me down. Ive still been keeping up with eating good and I'm 2 or 3lbs (I think) from losing a huge 40LBS!!! I'm really starting to feel great about myself and I'm loving it! I walked to the store today (for a Monster :P) and my body kept trying to jog, ha ha, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY WOMAN!! If I can get my ass to bed early and out of bed early sometime soon I'm going to give my body what it wants, but this 100 degree shit in April can kind of suck it. I'm not about having a damn heat stroke.

Th-Th-Th-That's all for this post folks, until next time...

Rawr faces and Sober thoughts, Rachel

This is where things get serious.

I talked to my lawyers leading lady this past week and I'm expecting to see my P.T.D papers in the mail in the next few days that explain the next year of my life. I'm really starting to get nervous. Getting sober before I'm the state's property and am forced too, makes me feel a little more at ease (since it was by my own free will), but I'm still super scared.

I'm scared to mess up, I'm scared to let myself down, scared to trust myself that I will do what is expected of me. Since my mom died I haven't felt that I need to meet anybodies or anythings expectations, or really even care for that matter. This is a whole new ballpark though. The repercussions are ones I've never been faced with or had to deal with. Its not just disappointment or resentments. Its jail, its the life I've grown to love and have actually started to live, its death if I go back to the way I was. I really need to sit down and think about things. I need to remind myself that this is good for me. That this was and is a blessing in disguise. That life is too important to waste. That I'm becoming a better person everyday and things can only get better from here.

I talked to someone near and dear to me tonight and I opened up about things that very few people know. Everyone has always seen me as this crazy wild drunk girl (and sometimes annoying and TOO CRAZY). But the truth of the matter is that I have spent the last 6 years in a state of depression and destruction. A few people know of my cutting. Its something I have struggled with since I was 15. In the last few years it has gotten beyond out of control. Its disgusting to look at my scars and see what I've done to myself. Something so small and insignificant at the time has left me with life long scars. The urge is there when its there and when I'm sober I can control it. I walk it off, I scream into a pillow, I throw some really loud music on and just cry. When I was drunk it was a completely different story. I would cut. I would cut so deep I could see my insides, I would cut more than when I would slip up when I was sober, I wouldn't quit until I physically couldn't take the pain anymore. Its really hard for me to talk about this because everyone thinks of cutters as being emo and crying out for attention. That's far from the truth, or at least for me. Trent threatened to leave me all the time and it wouldn't even phase me. I got sneakier. I started doing it on my legs and feet and just wouldn't wear shorts or would always wear socks. I cut because I felt, and well, feel, out of control. The pain though, I could control. I need to maintain some kind of control. If only to feel that I'm still living. I wanted and want to live. Its never about just wanting to die.

Which I guess leads me to the other thing, of which only a few people know as well. Its even harder for me to talk about. I don't think my family or brother even know about it. I didn't want them to be scared or to get lectured or feel any worse than I feel about it. In December 2010 after some bad shit happened, I tried to kill myself. I got shit faced drunk and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Alot of the feelings had to do with what had happened, but that's not something I want to publicly address. The fact of the matter is that had my ass been sober I wouldn't have done it. I don't know what I would have done, but I know that I would have never tried to take my own life. The reason I feel the need to say these things now, is that when I say sobriety for me is about life or death, it is just that. Ive spent so much time trying to hide the bad things about myself and come off as in control of things that it in the end it has been my downfall. Nobody knew how bad things had gotten so nobody knew to try and help me. Trent wouldn't know about things till after he had either found out on his own or I had told him. I would promise not to go and get beer and I would wait for him to fall asleep and go and do these things. I would hide all evidence and when he found out I would promise that it wasn't going to happen again and just get sneakier. I sometimes feel that if I had called either of my dads or my uncle or a million of the other family members that care about me and told them the Gods honest truth about what I was going through that maybe I could have found some kind of direction. But then again I'm a hard headed little spitfire and free will is my worst enemy.

I want people to know the truth. I don't want to ask everyone to stand behind me and support me and keep the wool over their eyes as to how bad drinking really is to me. I don't want pity and I don't want to be judged. The things that have happened, happened, and they cant be changed. But I can change. I can change the way I act and react to things that happen in life. I also want that if someone who may need help reads this, that maybe they can take something from it. I don't have much of a story but the one I have could change a life. Ive been though things in my life that are shameful, things that have redirected my whole life path, things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, Ive lost more people that I love than I can count on both hands. I tried drinking everything away. Ive tried for over 10 years. I have accomplished more in almost a month of sobriety than I have in all of those 10 years.

I don't know how to end this, or if it should even end here. But I really hope that this post doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. I hope that people take it for what it is, honesty, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry to the people that I SHOULD HAVE opened up to && I'm sorry to the people that had to carry these issues on their shoulders for so long without really knowing what to do, and I'm sorry that I even asked you to. Thank you to those people.

Open hearts and sober thoughts, Rachel

Sobriety has its perks!

Well according to my sobriety counter (yeah, there's an app for that) I am 9 days and 9 hours sober. YAY. I'm to the point where I'm not thinking about drinking as much as I was, which is a huge relief, but I cant help but wonder how long it will last. I think making it through the super bowl and all its glorified (and actually lame this year) beer commercials was a great test. Anyhow, after my 9 days of being booze free I have realized the following....



1. I had more fun being sober watching a football game. Being able to actually remember the day at the end of the night was awesome. The only time I didn't (before getting sober) have a beer in my hand when there was a football game on, was when I was hungover and puking. This usually led to drunk football talk with my usuals. And by talk I do mean obnoxious-drunk-strung together sentences pertaining to the game.

2. Although I have been more tired than usual, waking up hangover free has been awesome. I'm still kind of in lazy mode when it comes to keeping the house clean, but its not due to being bed ridden and wanting to shoot myself. Not waking up hungover on Saturday led to one of the best days Ive had in awhile. I want more days like that. More days I can look back on and be proud that instead of feeling shitty laying around the house, I got my ass up and made memories!

3. No more hangover means no more hangover munchie binges. I'm pretty sure hungover I could eat a weeks worth of food. With that being said, my eating habits going back to normal are gonna be good for my waist, and bank account. I'm really good when I want to be about eating right and without the added calories of beer and nursing hangovers with enchiladas, I'm really confidant that I will start to lose all this annoying weight Ive put on.

4. No more being broke. I cant count on all my fingers and toes how many times we would spend our last few dollars on beer. I think the worst part though was asking Trent's mom for money for something like gas knowing damn well we were getting beer. Its embarrassing as hell, but its the truth. If I'm going to commit to being sober, I need to commit to being honest, otherwise how will my story help anyone else or myself! With our bank account not being drained into our bellies, I really want to save up and be able to go see my family back east. My dad, my siblings, my step-mom, not to mention all my moms family...

5. Ive been talking to my family more. I love my dads, and Ive seem to have put my relationships with them on the back burner. Being hungover or drunk 4-5 days a week really made me anti-social. I lost my mom when I was 19 and thankfully we had had a great relationship when it happened. I want that with my dads. Losing my mom so young made me realize ANYTHING could happen, and to value what people you have in your life because there is no guarantee of tomorrow. I want them to be proud of me. I would hate to lose one of them, or them me and the last memories were of me being drunk or missing a last phone call because I was hungover and didn't feel like talking on the phone.



Hopefully I will have more things to add to this list soon, but for now I think I have a good start. I'm thankful for being able to BE THANKFUL and just see the blessings that Ive had all along and was too blind to see! For now im going to show my thanks to my baby who works all day to take care of me and get to cleaning this messy house. haha.

Awesome epiphanies and sober thoughts, Rachel

5 days sober!

Well today is day 5 of my sobriety. I'm really proud of myself. I feel like crap, but I'm still proud. All I want to do right now is nap, nap, nap, then nap some more...but I'm trying to get stuff done. A little at a time for now is good for me. I really wish I knew why I felt like this. I'm pretty sure its not withdrawal, but who the heck knows. Hopefully it goes away soon and I can get back to feeling awesome. I haven't really gotten any exercise in, but I'm not too worried about it. I'm trying to eat sensibly and that's good enough for me (for now). When we can get the damn dogs to stop eating the fence, I'm going to start walking again, but having to check on them every 10 minutes is making it impossible right now! They are my biggest source of stress. GRRR.


Onto worry #2. I cant really speak for Trent, but I feel like maybe I'm forgetting about him in all this process. Or that maybe he thinks I'm getting in too deep, too quick. I know he supports me, but I really need to learn to balance my meetings and spending what little time I have with him. That of course means making sure my meetings are done before he gets here. Waking up early is so not an option for me right now though. I feel like I really need to catch up on my sleep before I start a steady schedule. Hopefully I figure out a healthy solution soon, sounds like I need to have a talk with my HP.


Things not so worrisome...I'm going to jump back into my hobbies. I love taking pictures and editing them, doing hands on d.i.y. projects, and making jewelry. Maybe I can combine them all into one big project, ha ha, sounds interesting. I'm sure I can come up with something. I can usually get Trent to help sometimes, so maybe I can come up with something for this weekend that we can do together instead of drinking. Maybe just going to the lake and taking some pictures. A picnic sounds good too! If not I definitely have some ideas on mind for myself. I want to make some encouraging bracelets for myself and maybe do some painting. I also want to make Whiskey (my doggy) a little name tag for his kennel. All I need is for Trent to cut me a piece of scrap metal at his job. There is also a mirror of my grandmas that is super aged and I want to spice it up and find a place for it in the living room. Sounds like a busy weekend, well more so Saturday, since Sunday will be football day. Kinda excited :)

Zee lake <3 I took and edited this picture on mine and Trent's 7 year anniversary :)

Anyhow that's about all for now, I'm totally in space-cadet mode right now and can't keep one thought separate from another.


Busy hands and sober thoughts, Rachel

Here we go....

What happened::: On June 4th, 2011 I was arrested for a DWI. It was my boyfriend's birthday and I decided to be the "sober driver". To bad I wasn't sober. Its my first DWI so I fortunately had some options. I went to court in October and was given the gift of a Pre Trial Diversion (PTD), which is from what i hear, pretty much like probation. I wont know the exact terms until I get my paperwork in the mail, but I've heard all kinds of things that might happen. ALL of which are OK by me. With PTD you complete a year program and after a year, your case is dismissed. The only thing that stays on record is your arrest. I'm really anxious to get started, but as if it hasn't taken long enough, I still have to wait a few more weeks.


Why blog:: This is going to be a hard year for me. By definition I am an alcoholic, whether I like it or not. Over the years ( I've been drinking since I was 13, heavily by the time I turned 16) Ive changed my drinking patterns from drinking nearly every day, to drinking whole bottles of vodka, to here lately drinking to the point that I black out, act a damn fool, then pass out somewhere unclothed. I would like to say I have a better control on my drinking since I don't drink everyday, but that would be a lie (beings how binge-drinking is in no way controlled, especially when blacked out). I think having an outlet for all the emotions, stress, and urges to drink will be really good for my sobriety.


I think the thing that makes me different from other people who have been in my situation, is that I RECOGNIZE I have a problem, and I WANT to change. I cant live like this forever. Its already taking a toll on my mind and body. At 25 I seriously feel like I'm pushing 35, and although that isn't old, I really just want to wake up feeling my age. I want to not have to have a babysitter if I go out or to a friends. And most of all, I want to break the cycle that has tortured generation after generation of both sides of my family. If I ever have kids I DO NOT want them to see the things I saw or the person I am when I'm drunk. I'm not putting the blame on anyone, but my first drink when I was 13 was right after my grandma died. I had grown up watching my dad drink like a sailor so I thought it was normal, but watching him drink his feelings away about my grandma was something different. He was the one who had broke into my grandma's house and found her. He didn't take it easy at all, and as if it wasn't horrible enough, her body had been there for 3 days. I cant even imagine how he felt. But when he drank after that day, I saw a different side of booze....It masked the pain. It had made him emotionless, as if it had never happened. I wanted that feeling. I was tired of crying and being sad. So I went to my grandma's friends house and stayed the weekend. Her and her husband were older and went to bed early and I knew they always kept beer in the house. I waited for them to go to sleep, grabbed a 6 pack and wandered down the street drinking like a veteran wino. By the time I made it back home to her house I had, at 13 downed a 6 pack, and achieved my numb. I went to sleep without a care in the world and I was in-love. My dad was a good dad, but I'm pretty sure if he knew the choices that he made in front of me would effect me the way they did, he would go back and do things differently. THAT is what I'm doing for myself. I'm going to learn to live in a way in which my kids can look back at me and say I was one hell of a good role model. I know I'm never going to be perfect but the things that I CAN CONTROL, I'm going to.


I didn't think my first post was going to be nearly this long but my fingers and brain got carried away. I hope I can keep up with this blog, this time, I have a terrible habit of not finishing things I start.


Fresh starts and sober thoughts, Rachel.