Interview with a sober alcoholic. HA.

A BIG thank you to Trent who got to live out his Journalist dream for this post. I Love you.

Family/Friends/Acquaintances

How do you socialize with people whose lives still revolve around drinking?
-I wouldn't call it socializing AT ALL. I try to stay away from people who are drinking. Trent drinks a little here and there while at home, but he stays outside for the most part. Basically the further away from alcohol I am, the better. Ive been around drunk PEOPLE once so far and the worst part was the stinky breath. I had a great time just being crazy me but the drunker everyone got, the more distant I got.

Has your sobriety and new outlook effected people around you? If so how?
-I would say yes, both good and bad. Have I been such an awesome inspiration that other people have quit drinking? NO. But alot of people who support me have told me that I am an inspiration and that they are proud of me. As far as it negatively effecting people, I would say my positivity seems to annoy people. Misery loves company and boy was I amazing company for awhile. But that is something that is on THEM. Recovery is one of the most selfish things a person can do and is SUPPOSE TO BE. People need to understand that and GET OVER IT.

How have the people around you reacted to your sobriety?
-Some people don't believe that I can do it, or that the ONLY reason I got sober was because of probation, or doubt that I'm serious about STAYING sober after I get off probation. ALL very wrong. But for the most part everyone is VERY happy for me, and extremely proud. I went from being an absolute trainwreck to actually getting my life together.  And I'm pretty sure the people who got to see me butt-naked running around or got sloppy drunk calls from me are OVER THE MOON excited. (Sorry Teah and Zeke :))

Have your relationships with friends and family gotten better? Have any gotten worse?
-For the most part YES. Ive started talking to alot of my family more than I use to, and have started making plans to go and see them. I always took their love for granted (friends && family) and knew that they would love me no matter what so I didn't think I HAD to be a role model or make any of them proud. Just being me was good enough for me so it HAD to be good enough for them too. I was wrong. Not only do I want and need their love, but also their RESPECT, which I never even cared about before. My relationship with my brother has somehow fallen apart. Before all I wanted was to satisfy him and MAKE him want to love me, I never thought he did. But now I'm trying to learn how to stand my ground and its led to not seeing him as much. He also lost alot of respect from me when he LAUGHED IN MY FACE, when I told him I was going to online AA meetings.

Are there any relationships you wish you could change that were altered by your alcohol use?
-YES. Me and one of my best friends had a terrible falling out. I was drunk and did something dumb and had I not been SO STUBBORN, I could have easily fixed it with an authentic apology. The thing that took me from June 2011 until March 2012 to realize is that just because you did something DRUNK, does not mean that you somehow get a pass. The things you say and do drunk still have repercussions and regardless if you remember them happening, they can still hurt other peoples feelings. Thinking you somehow get a pass has a horrible negative snowball effect that can lead to irreparable damage. To this friend, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. You taught me a valuable lesson that I needed to learn and God only knows how much I wish I could have figured this out sooner. I love you gurl.


You

Whats the biggest difference you have seen in yourself?
-Ive covered this a million times in just about every post I have done so I will keep it short. I am the happiest I have been in my WHOLE LIFE. I'm healthier than I have ever been. I am positive. I feel blessed. I love like I have never loved. I am thankful. I see life different. The biggest difference I see In myself, IS MYSELF.

Whats the biggest difference OTHERS have seen in you?
-A spark. A twinkle in my eye. A smile.

What have you found that you enjoy now that you didn't before?
-EVERYTHING! I love to go fishing, write, play with my dog, make art, make jewelry, inspire other people to BE INSPIRED!

What are you doing now to better your life without the restriction that alcohol has had on you?
-I'm working out. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating better. I'm being active. Before my ass was in a seat somewhere drinking beer and the next day laying around eating tacos and nursing a hangover.

What makes you think that you can stay sober?
-Hope. Faith. Love. A life worth living.



Sober Life

How do you entertain yourself on the weekends that use to be filled with drinking and parties?
-Alot of activities. Fishing has been a big part of my weekends, its taught me alot of patience. Ive also started doing projects like fixing up my spare room, working on my turtle aquarium, and SHOPPING!

What do you do to unwind after a hard day, instead of drinking?
-I read. I also vent to Trent or blog about it. A little Xbox helps too. Ha Ha

Are there any things that have become more difficult for you?
-Not picking up other habits. Ive started drinking ALOT of Monster Energy drinks in place of beer which has been really bad on my health. Sleeping was really difficult at first and even now with always being on the river or lake I'm having a hard time with cravings! I just have to dive deeper into what I'm doing to try and get it off my mind. I also really miss being around old drinking buddies.

What do you look forward to doing with your new outlook on life?
-EVERYTHING! I want to travel and open a business. I want to go to college. Before I was so negative that the only thing I had to look forward to was drinking. I want to be an inspiration to people. I want to help people.

Whats your support system like?
-AMAZING. I have the most amazing fiance ever that has toughed everything out with me. I have 2 great dads that have helped me with everything from advice to lawyer costs to a new door! They are the best dads EVER. I have a great group of friends that stuck it out with me through the worst of the worst and have been encouraging me everyday! Teah, Jen, Zeke, && Deanna you guys are AWESOME! My cousins have been really awesome too!



This/That/The Other

You're only 3 months sober but you must have an accomplishment in that time that you're proud of?
-I think being 3 months sober is an AMAZING accomplishment in itself! Ive also lost 34 pounds and gained alot of self confidence. I look in the mirror everyday and there is a smile looking back at me and that is VERY new to me. Ive started doing things with my life and am trying to embark on new things!

Have the people you looked up to changed at all? If so, why?
-Oh hell yes! I was idolizing alot of the wrong people who seemed really great at the time but turned out to be real shit heads. My #1 person I look up to will ALWAYS be my mom! Ive also started to look up to the people looking back at me at AA.

Some people say they can get sober without AA, what is your take?
-I say to each their own. I started out going to online AA which was great, but when I started going to F2F meetings I really started seeing how helpful it is. To see the emotions in peoples eyes at how bad they want and need to be sober is just life changing. I struggled alot with online AA because there was always alot of 12 step talk and GOD talk, at the meetings I attend its not like that. I'm struggling with finding my HP still so to feel like I'm hanging around people in a building vs feeling like I'm at church really helps.

What can you tell someone that might help in their recovery?
-Don't let other people get in the way of YOU AND YOUR LIFE. Be selfish. Stay positive. It truly is "One Day at a Time".

What is something you would like to remind yourself of in another 3 months?
-You are a strong girl. You are beautiful inside and out. You have something that nobody else has, you are YOU, and you can do anything you put your heart, soul, and mind to.


 One exhausted mind and many sober thoughts, Rachel

HEY THERE, ITS ME RACHEL!!!

Well I haven't forgotten about my blog. I had started a post last week and got frustrated with it and just turned off my laptop. I don't want to be a negative person but Lord knows my little heart can only take so much. I'm going to leave it at the bottom of this post though. After all these are MY sober thoughts. Anyhow. Things are going great. I had the worst Monday ever yesterday and ended it with a gallon full of tears. Everything seemed to put me over the top, and the EVERYTHING was the littlest shit ever, but that's Monday for you. Easter was different this year. Usually, and this is the real deal, I would have had an Easter beer hunt. I would start drinking Saturday all the way until Sunday afternoon then decorate beers in construction paper. Trent would hide them, I would find them, drink them, then pass out. Ha ha. I don't know how this became a tradition but I'm pretty glad its over. We kind of just sat around being lazy, ate some BBQ, cleaned a little. Nothing too fancy for sure.

 Ive been to 2 F2F AA meetings. I like the group I'm going to. They seem pretty real and down to earth which I REALLY appreciate. I also got called in for my first random UA today, which sucked because I haven't really fully recovered from showing my P.O. my vagina the first time. It was whatever, I don't have a choice in the matter, but its nice knowing shes an older lady and has seen many a beaver and wont remember mine from the next. I'm doing my community service at Salvation Army. It pretty much sucks, but like I told the worker who set me up with it, Its not like its a permanent job, 40 hours and I never have to look back. I think the best part is that I get to wear my headphones and listen to good music vs, the radio shit they play all damn day. I get enough of that lame shit at work. FAAACCKKKKK.

I started back playing Call of Duty, its so weird playing and not being shit-faced, it was my favorite thing to do. I don't know why this is relevant to ANYTHING, but whatever on that too. Ha ha.

Lets see here.....I'm 2 pounds from my 30lb loss. I should have hit it by now but I messed up way bad when I was killing myself to hit it by our Midland trip. I had to take a break and figure out where the hell my head was. I'm going to start working out 3 days a week and eating how Ive been. That 7 days a week thing is for crazy people. I'm still excited with my progress so far. This evening I pulled out all my old pants I had put up and away, tried them on, then put them suckers on hangers so I can actually wear them, BECAUSE I CAN NOW :). Its funny because for so long I hated what I saw in the mirror. I would convince myself otherwise, but deep down I knew I was faking it. I got to the point where I would just avoid mirrors. And its not that it was just the outside, it was the inside too. I can proudly say that I LOVE MYSELF now. I looked in the mirror today and just smiled. Tears almost came out, I'm so happy with who I am, and who I'm becoming. I'm doing SOMETHING. And that's something I haven't done in a long time. Before I would get on this healthy kick and it would go down the drain once we had a 3 day weekend and I would binge drink. I didn't really WANT to change for me, I wanted to change because everyone else was and I needed to keep up, or because I was just bored. I NEED and WANT this for MYSELF and for no other reason.

I'm just fucking ecstatic. That's all I can really say about anything right now. Right now is where I need to be and where I can look back and say, DAMN GIRL, you did the fucking thing.

That's all for tonight's post, there isn't much else to say :) .


Well I had meant to post the lost post from last week but this thing had a different idea, I guess the following sums it up >>> Ive realized since then that I cant deal with everyone Else's bullshit. Fuck em, yeah know. This life is about ME, not everyone else. I was thinking about getting my FUCK U tattoo in my lip covered up, and I decided FUCK NO. Ha ha. I'm going to stay true to me and the attitude that has gotten me as far as it has. As a sort of reminder that I don't HAVE to deal with any other bullshit than what gets Rachel to tomorrow.

Anyhow, THAT my friends is the official end of this post. Love you all who care enough to read my blog and show me love && even the Haters <3

Happy faces and sober thoughts, Rachel

This is where the frustration sets in....

Well I guess I will start this post out by saying that today I am thankful. With that being said, I'm starting to get frustrated and its due to nothing more than my overactive mind. 2 weeks ago I was starting to have doubts with the AA program. I am agnostic and its heavy on the God and HP thing and its just hard for me to jump balls deep into something that's like that. I don't want to feel like I'm being forced to believe in things that I don't, I'm not a hypocrite and I have no intention of becoming one. I talked to someone in AA about my doubts and things seem to be looking up. Well now I'm reading this book by James Frey called "A Million Little Pieces", and the Character James has very similar views as myself. He has just read the testimonials section in the BB and shares his thoughts, and I couldn't agree more. "Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on the avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their meetings and their Dogma, and they have nothing, take them away and they are back where they started, they have an addiction." When I started doing my online AA meetings I was doing 2 a day if not more. I was constantly on the computer trying to get my fix for the day.Trying to figure out how to just be. Just like when I was drinking, nothing else around me mattered. I ignored Trent, the dog, my brother when he came over, phone calls, etc. I thought it was just me concentrating on getting better, But last night while reading I was reminded of something my Dad had told me. He had told me after he got sober he would find himself getting addicted to other things, candy, sodas, anything really. And it dawned on me that although I am an addict and recovering, I still have that addicting personality. I don't want to be addicted to AA, I don't want a seed implanted in my head that if I don't do what I am told that I AM GOING to relapse. I'm not saying that I'm going to quit before I really even start. I just need to be aware of the fact that I have a problem. I also have free will, a strong mind, and an understanding that its a life or death situation. If I continue to drink the way that I have, it will eventually kill me. Putting down the bottle is alot easier than living life in a blur and hungover in a state that resembles neither fantasy or reality, but in lingo between the two. I don't need anyone forcing my hand.

 The other thing that was addressed in the book is that AA makes you relive pretty much all the bad shit you have done in order to make an amends. Also something I have been questioning since starting AA. How am I suppose to move on in my life and embrace the future if I'm in a situation that is making me relive the awful past.
The things I have done are aware to me and the people around me and I honestly believe the best amends I can make is to say, "Sorry, I fucked up", and to make a WANTED change. To be someone so good that they cant even remember the bad. I don't know, I guess these are all things I will have to figure out as I go. I just know that I'm a dweller and I really don't want this to consume me.
What I want out of sobriety is to live my life day by day without drinking and love harder than the day before. I want to accept that without vices life can be tough, but at least its living in an honest nature, and in an actually reality. That the things I say and do are from me, my heart, and my mind, not from the bottom of a bottle.



I'm going to continue reading this book I started and I hope I can take a few things from it. To me it is such a brilliant honest book. The controversy surrounding it is pretty interesting as well. Apparently Mr. Frey had written it as a fiction book but publishers wouldn't pick it up. He was told as a non-fiction book it would be pretty much epic. Oprah went and added it to her list of books she crams down Americas throats and it sky rocketed in sales. It was later found out that he had "lied". Well to me a good book is a good book. The fact that what I'm reading may or may not have happened to him doesn't effect my thoughts on the book. Apparently Oprah has different opinions. Its a good thing I don't give 2 shits about her or her fan base of minion opinions.





Anyhow, that's about all for now. My mind is a bit more clear and things shall start to get done around here.

Blurry brains and sober thoughts, Rachel

Super Bowl, Super Sober

Well, it's that time again. The Super bowl is almost here! I'm soooo excited that my Patriots are playing in it AGAIN, against the Giants of all teams! REMATCH BABY!! Its also going to be my second year in a row being sober. I know I can do it because I did it last year, but this year is going to be so hard! The good thing is that it will just be Me and Trent so I wont have a houseful of drunk football fans. LOL. I'm going to try and make some cool drinks that will replace what probably would have been a vodka night. The menu isn't set yet, probably wings as usual. I need to start watching what I eat more, although cutting the alcohol out of my life is going to be great for my health, id hate to pick up cruddy eating habits in its place. Ive already been drinking tons of soda, and I use to mainly drink lots of water. It shouldn't be too hard for me though, as I love my healthy foods.


On the topic of my health, I'm feeling older than ever this last week. I was already having weird knee problems thanks to a drunken night in October, but now its all going downhill. I was laying down watching a movie last week and out of nowhere I started having crazy joint problems with my ankle. Add that to my hand problems Ive been having, and you have a mess. With us paying down our debt with income tax, our bills will be less during the year, and I'm going to see about getting added to Trent's insurance. I have to figure out what is happening to my body. I want nothing more than to start exercising again, and going on my walks, but with how Ive been feeling its just not going to happen. Ive also been super tired lately and its confusing me like crazy, because without drinking, Ive finally got my sleep schedule on track! OIVEY. I hope everything can be figured out. I'm ready to feel healthy inside and out!


I'm still keeping up with my meetings, 2 a day so far. I'm really excited to get my license back and actually go to a f2f meeting. My online one seems to be a good start on how to do things right and know what its going to be like. I have really grown to love all the people there. I look forward to getting on and catching up with everyone and learning more each time! Ive also started reading the BB. I was really confused about the connection between God and AA since I'm agnostic, but thankfully I was directed to a chapter in the BB that covers that pretty well. It really makes since now. I cant wait to read more and grow to understand everything better. Some of the meetings will surely make more sense, and more light bulbs will go off. YAY.

Well thats all for now!

Football fever and sober thoughts, Rachel

Sharing is Caring

Well I'm really excited to report that last night in my AA meeting, I SHARED. I was so scared, and I don't know why. I had spent Sunday getting to know everyone there, and they were all really awesome people...Not scary or intimidating at all... I guess in a way I think that somehow I don't deserve to speak up, that what I have to say isn't as important as what someone else could say. But I learned that my thought has no truth to it. There have been things that people have said that made light bulbs go off for me, and I realized that I very well could be holding the switch for someone else. Ive done 2 meetings a day so far and I think I'm going to try really hard to stick with 2 for as long as I can. The other awesome thing that I love, is that its almost like a 24 hour meeting. There are 5-6 meetings a day but in between there is open chat, which is almost like having a group of sponsors at your disposal. I pray that this really helps me and opens my eyes. I would love nothing more than after my year of forced sobriety that I WANT to STAY sober. I just know that if I start drinking again I'm going to end up the same way I always do, and I really don't like that part of me.


Well just wanted to get that off my mind, through my fingers, and onto my virtual paper.

Ill be back!

3 days down and sober thoughts, Rachel

AA

Well last night I "attended" my first AA meeting. Ive gone with friends before for support, but this was something I wanted to do. It was online, which I had no idea even existed. I actually loved it so much that I stayed for the "after meeting chat" and continued to stay right on through the next meeting. I didn't think I would be so excited for something Ive kind of been fearing. And surprisingly I learned alot more in the short time I was there than I ever expected to. Everyone welcomed me with open arms, which was a relief. I didn't really know what to expect beings how it was online, but it actually made things alot easier. There wasn't any pressure, nobody was staring you down or judging you. And not to say that that's how meetings are, but I have been to some like that. I'm going to assume it's just human nature, or maybe just immaturity. But either way it's nice not having that present. I wish they could count for my court appointed meetings that I will start having to attend, but you cant always get what you want. Looks like I will have 2 AA families, which is fine by me!!

I didn't think of AA as being a big part of my sobriety when I was first dealt my hand of cards. I thought to myself that I would go because I had to and that I would just do what I did last Feb. and go cold turkey.  As logical as that sounded in my head, I'm glad that is not the plan I'm going with. A year is alot longer than a month. I could have at any moment in THAT month, given up and drank as much as I wanted. This time around I'm not going to have that luxury. If I don't stay strong, its going to effect alot more than how I feel about myself and my lousy self control. I will put us financially into a tailspin that we cant afford, and I will be CHARGED with my DWI. For me that is NOT an option. Although I have made many mistakes in my past, shown weakness, had a lack of self control, and been pretty much a poor excuse for someone who should be a role model to their younger siblings, I know that I am an amazing, strong, inspirational person. Ive just lost touch with that person over the years. I think with AA I can not only find that person in myself that I so very much long for, but I can also learn to build relationships with my family, friends, and faith more than I ever have.



As for today, I attended my 3rd meeting, which I didn't think was going to happen. All hell seemed to have broke loose with the dogs right before I logged on and I REALLY wanted to just say fuck it and have Trent pick up some beer. That really makes it sound like I drink when the littlest of shit happens, but it really isn't like that. I haven't drank in a few nights and today just seemed like one of those stressful type days where a good cold beer seems to make the day better. Even Trent said he was going to pick up some beer on his way home, but didn't. I'm glad he supports me. But anyhow, after I had timed out of the pre-meeting chat and dealt with my annoying ass dogs, I took a few breaths and logged back in. I'm really glad I could calm down and just take everything in. It was about acceptance which is something that isn't going to be easy for me. I haven't gotten into the BB quite yet, but that is certainly going to be my next step. Hopefully then, I will be able to learn more about acceptance and how to deal with it better!

I think this is gonna be it for tonight. I'm going to enjoy my night with my babe and hopefully sneak in another meeting tonight before bed. Hopefully I get some good sleep and start tomorrow out alot better than today.

Days not wasted and sober thoughts, Rachel.