hey girl hey.

Hey readers! How are y'all doing?

For me this week has been a BLAH one. I kind of got laid off, hopefully its temporary because I really don't want to find a new job. It really sucks but was kind of predictable with things being slow, it happens though and I completely understand. I think more than anything my pride was hurt because although Trent can take care of all my fees and shit for me I really wanted to do it MYSELF. Ive never really had anything I HAD to pay for or even wanted to pay for myself but I really wanted to take care of this. Big fat RAWRFACE for real. Normally after such a crappy situation like this I would have drank myself to sleep and boy did I want to, despite the consequences, but I took it better than I thought I would. I also would have stressed myself to no end but without the anxiety drinking caused, I'm realizing that sweating the small stuff is a waste of time.

GOOD GIRL, you're living and learning!

I had my first 2 hour counseling session on Thursday and much to my surprise I actually enjoyed it. I thought it would be hard opening up to a stranger but it felt really good. The part that was hard to swallow was talking about my childhood and everything I endured and hearing that she was surprised I was alive after everything I had been through. WOW. I know Ive had a rough life but I didn't think it was too extreme. I guess when you go through and talk about ALL the bad shit vs. "this one time", it all comes out like a fucked up Lifetime movie. I'm pretty glad I'm still here, alive and kicking. I kinda fibbed about how often I drank but the amount I could down (at least a 20 pack every time I drank and over a 30 pack on a "good" night) surprised the hell out of her. Apparently when you're drinking fast and A LOT your liver kind of shuts down and doesn't even process it anymore, just spits it right back out.  I'm really looking forward to going back and if I do (have to) find a good job that pays good, I'm actually considering going to a counselor for awhile. Talking to someone and figuring out how to deal with everything I struggle with internally might really help me stay sober in the long run (plus my wonderful AA group). She's pretty understanding for an older broad but I guess being a former addict herself helps her relate more than some snobby old church hen.

Other than everything that's been going on Ive been feeling kind of BLAH. Ive been staying up late and sleeping in and I don't know whats going on. I have pretty much NO ENERGY and overall feel like I'm a funk. I think maybe trying to cut back on caffeine is doing it to me and I don't like that AT ALL. I LOVE my Monsters <3 The thing that sucks the most is that Ive been slacking off on working out and I'm so disappointed in myself. I couldn't take it anymore today and FORCED myself to and I'm glad I did. Now to continue on and stop letting MYSELF get me down. Ive still been keeping up with eating good and I'm 2 or 3lbs (I think) from losing a huge 40LBS!!! I'm really starting to feel great about myself and I'm loving it! I walked to the store today (for a Monster :P) and my body kept trying to jog, ha ha, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY WOMAN!! If I can get my ass to bed early and out of bed early sometime soon I'm going to give my body what it wants, but this 100 degree shit in April can kind of suck it. I'm not about having a damn heat stroke.

Th-Th-Th-That's all for this post folks, until next time...

Rawr faces and Sober thoughts, Rachel