Well hello readers, it has certainly been awhile. It seems we have some catching up to do!

Probation – Is going really well. I’m doing everything that needs to be done, OBVIOUSLY. My P.O. is still as awesome as can be and really glad that I’m doing what needs to be done. I guess I make her job a little easier. J I’m really not excited about my C.S. I have gone once and am going to have to go again this week. BOO. It’s just so boring; you can only clean shoes for so long before you get completely disgusted by feet and peoples carelessness for what they put on them. If I had any ambition to do anything that had to do wish fashion, I think I would be a shoe designer. There are some UGLY ass shoes out there, and the fact that people buy them blows my mind, plus if people are going to walk all over me, I might as well get paid for it. HAR HAR HAR. I start my counseling on the 3^rd, which I don’t know if I’m excited about yet. Granted I’m a hot fucking mess and could use some direction, but I don’t know if I'm ready to babble on about what’s wrong with me. Other than that I have a few classes to attend. One is in July and the other one hasn’t been set up yet, due to the fact that every time I call the biatches ignore my call. HELLO MORONS, I’m an alcoholic not an IDIOT. I know what’s up, HOES. That statement can go on the record, FYI.

Sobriety – I'm almost at 3 months sober. WOO HOO. Trent’s mom got married on the 13^th and it was the first time I had to deal with drunken people. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Everyone thought I was being a baby about getting scolded for playing Pantera – Walk on the jukebox, but really I couldn’t take the bad breath and foolishness. Trent’s brother tried relentlessly to fight some old guy because “he stole his lighter”. It wasn’t his lighter at all. IDIOT. I had fun up until the end, but shit, for being my first time around alcohol I really didn’t want to drag it out so damn long. Me and Trent’s niece went and hid in the truck from everyone and talked and listened to music. I loved our time together. I have known her since she was little (she now towers over me by a few inches, she’s 13) and I'm so glad I'm still in her life and that she finally lives here. I did have a lot of fun being sober I just wish it was easier being around people who are drinking. A part of me wishes I could have drank right along with them. Some of that wishing was squashed however when Trent got shit-faced angry at me on the way home and then acted a damn fool once we got there. Not to mention how NOT cute he was bent over the toilet barfing his brains out.

I guess all in all things are going good though. I'm still seeing everything in a different light. We have started getting out A LOT more than we use to and it’s really great.  We have been doing a lot of fishing and by we, I do mean ME. Trent isn’t as great of a fisher as he thinks and I'm on a streak of whopping his butt. More than who gets what, I'm really just enjoying spending time with him and enjoying everything I have been blessed with. I was so use to doing everything with a beer in my hand that I didn’t get to fully enjoy ANYTHING, so I'm still very much getting use to this new lifestyle.

Asshats - I am such a dweller. I don’t know how to not be a dweller but that’s just me. And on top of being a dweller I'm a pissed off and resentful one. I really wish I was an asshole and could name names or even call people out, but this trying to be a better person shit is really putting a damper on the bitch that still resides deep within. I want to say I'm defeated, but I'm not going to give that power to a motherfucking soul. I, Rachel, am content with who I am in this moment and although it hasn’t always been that way, I’ve never been one to call people out on every aching flaw that they have. I never felt like I was better than anybody and I didn’t AND don’t put them down to somehow ease my own “self-hatred”.  I'm about to start making some more changes that I'm not sure I'm ready for but that I think I need. I REFUSE to surround myself with negative assholes that can’t see past their petty fucking problems to see that OTHER people have shit going on too. I know that not everyone has their shit together; including myself, but something’s GOT to give. I try and motivate people, not bring them down. I try to pass on a smile in hopes that it’s passed on, not pass it on so you can shit on it and put me in a bitter mood. I have worked so god damn hard the last 3 months and I don’t expect a parade or even acknowledgement, what would be nice is that if you could see that if a trainwreck like ME could do it, so can you. GET OFF YOUR PITTY POTTY. You are dragging the people around you down. Instead of calling people out and giving them back handed compliments, why don’t you start off with a fucking compliment, even if it’s fake. Try making someone’s day better instead of worrying about yourself so much. Maybe your karma fucking sucks. THAT’S ON YOU. Bringing everyone else down isn’t going to do a damn thing to make anything better. It’s funny how you complain about nobody being there for you and you list reasons that you came up with as to why. Did you ever once think about the fact that maybe it’s YOU that’s the problem? You can’t run everyone off and then blame everyone but yourself, TRUST ME; I’ve done it my whole life.

OI that felt good. Maybe I could use some counseling after all. Ha ha

Random - I’ve decided if I was ever a serial killer, I would want to be the “Baby-faced Killah”, simply based on the fact that somehow at 25 I have the same face I had when I was 4.

With the weight that I’ve lost and the lack of pants that fit, I am now a shopaholic.

I'm also addicted to Monster Energy drinks.

I have fallen in love with Kid Cudi. ‘Cudderisback’ and ‘Cleveland is the Reason’ are my new “jams”.

I DID quit smoking, but as I look back that seemed more like a short term goal rather than long. ONE DAY it will happen.

I’ve really been thinking about going to college but don’t know what I would go for. I'm thinking marketing, Trent thinks business. If I do it, I’ll probably wait till after probation that way I'm not financially stressing us (more than I have already J).

I don’t know if I will ever get use to the fact that everything I own will forever be covered in cat and dog hair.

My friend Manny thinks me saying *“suitcase, shoelace” after he says “I ain’t tripping” is some kind of Texas thing. Dear Chiddy, I love you. Love Rachel.

I'm going to eat a cheeseburger this weekend. I haven’t had one in months.

That is all for my update. I’ll probably have a new post sometime in the next few days. I just need to get my serious thoughts together.

Catchy tunes and sober thoughts, Rachel

*Chiddy Bang- ‘Too much Soul’

My 'bye bye 30lbs' present to myself! I saw a guy wearing this shirt when we were in Midland,
 and with B.O.B's song 'Beast Mode' being one of my favorite workout songs, I just HAD to have it :)
It is also a reminder that working out once a week is a cop out and to keep my ass at it till it falls off!

DANG IT

I'm really frustrated with my last post. I had really hated the post from last week but when I went back and read it, I FELT IT. And it felt great. Like for the first time I had really let it out. And I wanted to share it! Apparently your post can only be so long before they suck whatever random part of it out that they wish. MY GEARS HAVE BEEN GRINDED. Either way, it did feel really good to go back and read what I wrote when I was so damn angry and realize that I WAS RIGHT to feel the way that I did. I have spent so much of my life second guessing everything I do or say that the whole reason I didn't post it to begin with, is because I thought it was wrong to feel the way that I did and that I was going to be judged for MY feelings. They are mine to feel, not anyone Else's. Just one of the many things I need to add to my list of thousands to remember.

The post talked about self centered people and my frustrations with at least 2 certain ones. One of which couldn't care less that I'm sober, and the other one pretty much the same base, but an overall bitch in general. Both of these people I consider friends, or did. And now both Ive convinced myself that I'm no longer going to take anything they have to say seriously. They are using me for some kind of emotional crutch and I am in no condition to hold anyone up, when I myself am limping. I have gone through periods of not talking to these assholes and had convinced myself that they could change. RACHEL, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING. People don't just go around changing when they are used to getting everything they want through manipulative mind games. Until last week I was still being tossed around like a God Damn marionette and I feel like a fucking fool. I'm at a crossroad with just one. The other can forget who I am, and Ill do the same. But at 25 I am still stumped on how to handle a bully. Who do you tell when there isn't anyone to reprimand such childish behavior when being exhibited by an adult OLDER than myself? Nobody... As an adult you work the shit out. Obviously that's not an option. So here is what I'm going to do. Nothing. I'm going to vent and forgot about it, and hope to hell that the bitch has a midlife crisis. Until then.....

Dear Asshole.

You are fucking grown, do you mind acting like it. I know that you have gotten by your whole life by playing everyone like chess pieces, but its time to grow up and give the kids back their games.

Love, Rachel


This post didn't feel as great as the "lost one", but it will do since nothing else will.

Make-up anger and sober thoughts, Rachel

Sunday is bittersweet.

MAN OH MAN, WHERE TO START??

PROBATION

I met my P.O. on Thursday. She is as awesome as I thought she would be, hopefully they don't switch her up on me for some assclown with an attitude problem. I told her that me and Trent had gotten sober and that she had nothing to worry about, she seemed pleased to hear that, especially since she dug up Trent's records and reminded me about his revokes. She also insisted that she didn't want to watch me pee just as much as I didn't want her watching me. Ha Ha, good to know! I get to go wherever in Texas I want without having to get permission unless its for like a week or more, in which I just have to let her know. In order to leave the state I need to be in good standing and have permission, which is GREAT news. Other than that I have alot of classes to do and alot of tubes to blow. I go on Tuesday to set up my community service and also start my AA meetings this week. I'm so excited that I'm finally on my way to getting this done with, its almost been a year since my actual DWI. March 20th 2013, I cant wait to see you!


SOBRIETY

I passed my 2 months a few days ago and it hardly seems like its been that long! ( Me and Trent celebrated with some Doritos Loco tacos!) Its not nearly as much as a struggle as it was at first but its still taking ALOT to get use to. I really want a beer. Right now seems good, but I KNOW that not only can I not drink because of probation, but also because there is no such thing as 1 beer for me. Its a case at least. The summer coming up is freaking me out and depressing me at the same time. To chill out in the sun drinking a cold beer while bbqing and shooting the breeze with friends is as perfect as it gets, and something I sure as hell wont get to do. I feel like sometimes I may make to much out of things, and then I remind myself that I drank ALOT more than I would have ever admitted to and that a change was NEEDED more than even I knew. I wish people around me could see that, understand it, and respect it. But apparently as much as I've stressed to people that probation may require me to be sober it wasn't my deciding factor, I MADE THAT DECISION, beforehand. I'm BEYOND sick and tired of people telling me how to get away with drinking on probation, how to still drink at bars, and avoid breathalyzer tests. It is so fucking disrespectful to me. I'm not on normal probation, I got offered a deal that not many people get. If anyone with a fat mouth trying to discourage me from getting my shit done would actually LISTEN to me, they would have known that. I will not fuck it up for ANYTHING. Especially a "friend" peer pressuring me to have a mix drink at dinner. ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? Do you want me to fail? Someone actually told me that when I'm off probation that I need to practice just having a few drinks and then calling it a night, because "eventually it gets easier"..... Ive been a black out drunk for over 10 years and I'm only 25, what in the fuck makes anyone think that magically I'm going to turn into a social drinker, especially after not drinking for a year? I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DRINK AGAIN. YA HEARD??!?!?! I don't want to test out the waters knowing that I could go back to the Trainwreck that I was. UGH. I'm really frustrated if you cant tell. I'm giving people once more chance to get their heads out of their asses and then they are going to find out how calm like a bomb I really am.

A few things that have helped post-sobriety.

• Falling asleep - Reading really helps, and on the nights it seems to not help as much as I'd like some Alka-Seltzer pm is pretty boss.
• Cravings - Doing something to take the mind off of drinking is key. Painting, drawing, writing, walking. Anything that can be done spur of the moment and really get the mind and body into it!
• Friends/Family drinking - Due to the fact that everyone is really supportive I haven't had to cross this bridge, THAT in itself has helped more than anything. Just talking to them and letting them know that this means alot to me has deterred them from doing it in my presence. I know it may not be this way forever, so hopefully when I have a tip to deal with it when it does happen I will share what I learn.
• Support - Its really great to have support, but not everyone is going to be there for you. You have to know when a relationship is going to be toxic to your sobriety. If you have friends that make jokes at your expense or voice doubts that you cant do it, you may not want to have that person around. Stay friends with people like this if you cant stand to cut them out of your life ( Talk to them FOR SURE, maybe they don't know how serious you are) but limit what you do with them. Try not to do things with them where they will be drinking.
• Knowledgehttp://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/collegestudents/anatomy/body_nonflash.aspx

THIS WEEKEND

We went and saw my dad and step-step mom this weekend. (I'm pretty sure since shes my step dads wife shed be my double step parent, somehow. Makes since to me so whatevs.) Anyways, it was pretty fun. Not at all what I expected, in both a good and bad way. We mainly went to Midland to get out of San Angelo, do some shopping, spend some time together and then meet my dad for lunch somewhere but they had different plans. They took us to lunch then drove us around to where we were originally going to go. It was super nice of them to pay for as much stuff as they did, but next time I definitely need to let them know in DETAIL our plans ahead of time. It wasn't so bad though, because after all I did get to spend the DAY with my dad instead of an hour or so. Trent got his damn golf clubs finally and some other shizz and I got a golf hat and a DC shirt. We had money to spend and really S.H.O.P but somehow we manged to less than $150, guess that's a win for our bank account.

FROM LARD TO HARD

I was really killing myself to try and hit my 30lb mark or under by Saturday and I ended up screwing myself over. I was working out and burning 500-700 calories a day and only eating 900-1100 TOTAL. My body pretty much went into starvation mode after a week of this crap and it held onto whatever I put in it. I'm going to try this week to balance everything out better so I can lose that 9 pounds the healthy way. However I can notice the difference in my lower body that the 3 miles a day is doing for it. I even bought an actual pair of shorts today that I'm going to bravely wear in public! I'm going to put Mederma on my scars and then use a tanning lotion to try and hopefully feel less self-conscious about my legs but I'm pretty excited altogether.

5 of my favorite songs to work out to.

• Travis Porter - Bananas
• B.O.B. - Beastmode
• Kid Cudi - Soundtrack to my Life
• XV - Awesome
• Chiddy Bang - I Cant Stop Freestyle

 That pretty much wraps up the last week and everything new going on. Ill be sure to update this week with how AA goes and what Ill be doing for Community Service. Until then...

Encouraging words and sober thoughts, Rachel.

One and done...

Well it seems to have taken longer than I wanted to update this thing. I wanted to wait until I got my PTD papers to do so, I guess so I could share them as well as my thoughts on them. Now that I've gotten them it doesn't seem as important. Its more my feelings that I want to share on. Nonetheless here is what it be.

-> My terms are alot of what I expected, I knew there was going to be alot of classes, I just didn't know to what extent. Some things weren't as bad as I thought, or was told. I'm going to sign them this week with my lawyer and get this damn thing started already. Ready or not, here I come. <-

 The arrival of my papers came along with the arrival of more tears. Tears of failure, of mourning, of fear, of anxiety, of  stress.
 I think the part that scares me the most is getting a job. I love to work, don't get me wrong. I just hate people. That sounds terrible, let me elaborate...I LOVE people. I love helping people who need it, I love kind people who believe a smile can change someones day, I love understanding people who see past your appearance and see YOU. I hate the kind of people I have worked with. People like Crystal Bednar. A bitter old woman I worked with at EZMONEY. I loved my job there. I met awesome people who took very well to my smile, honesty, and ear. I listened when they were worried or stressed, unlike Crystal who just wanted to get them out of her hair. Why 5 minutes of your time could be used to help someone have a little bit of a better day could be wasted to just add to the shittyness of it is beyond me. She was a devil of a woman and I honestly pity her. She was jealous that people who came in to see her all of a sudden preferred me, she was jealous that I was young and would get complimented and dare I say hit on, she didn't like that I was ballsy and would tell her like it was, she was just pitiful and bitter. I like jobs like that one, ones that I get to interact with and help people out - but because of the likes of her I now fear them. Everyday I see people working, and most of them have a shitty "I don't give a fuck" attitude and it pisses me off. I wish I was lucky enough to get jobs where I could just be a people person and be happy and be grateful that I have an easy job. People who complain about their "shitty" jobs need to work Trent's for just an hour. GET OVER YOURSELF. I just know I'm going to have to work with idiots like this and its going to take all my might not to go out with a BANG like I did at EZMONEY. That fake blond heifer of a devil tried to call the cops on me for clearing out my desk. The obscenities I screamed at her are of ones a sailor would be ashamed to blurt out drunk as piss in the presence of the drunkest of assholes. Lord knows my positivity can only be tested so much. I found a posting for a job at the Salvation Army that I'm going to apply for and I'm crossing my fingers that they are still hiring and would even consider me. I would love to work for such an awesome organization that's only intent is to just HELP.

I wish I wasn't the type of person who dwells and stresses over everything, but no matter how much I've tried to fight it, its just who I am. I know that this year is going to be alright. I know that financially we will be OK, we have always found a way to make. I know that I have it in me to do this and do it well. I know that I have incredible people behind me cheering me on and reassuring me of all that I KNOW. Its just really hard to keep reminding myself of that. Its hard to stay positive and not just jump to the negative and think "what happens WHEN I fail....". All the things that I'm going to be required to do are all things that I NEED, and for some reason seeing them all lined out and numbered and begging for my signature just scares the piss out of me. I want to get out of this year something I never would have had the courage to seek out myself. I want to learn everything that I can and apply it to the life I want to lead after this year is done. I just need to try and remind myself that its going to be alright, it doesn't take a superhuman to live and let be. This is my life for the next year and it cant be any harder than what I've done to myself and made it though over the last 10 years.

I guess the mourning tears tie into the fear of failing. I miss my mom so much and I wish she could be here with me. If anything to call and tell me that I'm making her proud and that she loves me no matter what. That I'm her daughter and she didn't raise a failure. That if she had to she would drive me everywhere I needed to go, walk my ass up to the door, and wait outside till I came out. Because well, that's just how my mom was. If life hasn't been hard enough without her, going through something this scary is even harder. Not just the PTD but sobriety as well. To be fair alot of my drinking stemmed from her death and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in this situation had she been here. I was trying to mask the pain, the tears, the emptiness. I have nobody to blame but myself but I had very little direction afterwards. I have family everywhere BUT HERE. Phone calls and texts only go so far. I guess I can only hope at this point that I can figure out how to "deal" with her death in a positive manner, and at the end of this have a better relationship with her, or shall I say her spirit? Sounds pretty crazy when I re-read that, but I'm pretty sure its what I meant to say. I want to make her proud still, I want to know in my heart that if she was still here she would be all smiles that I was just the way she hoped that I would turn out, fucked up past and fucked up situations and all. She was a hell of a woman that one.

I guess I can move into a lighter direction since my last tear has seemed to have fallen. Ive been trying to keep busy lately and I cant complain too much. Although some of it hasn't been what I would call "fun", its been rewarding. We fixed the part of the fence that "sausage" (my Jack Russell, Widget) and Tank (think a white/pit bull version of "The Beast" from 'The Sandlot') have eaten through and torn up so they can cleverly escape and cause chaotic glory in the neighborhood. I guess it is in great timing since I'm being forced to go to work and wont have to worry about them. It looks pretty good I might say. It would have been alot easier had they not torn up EVERYTHING we put back there from the spare room. I honestly gave them the benefit of the doubt to leave it be until we had a free Saturday to run it to the dump. BOY WAS I WRONG!! In comparison to how horrible its been, there isn't much work left until we have what can be described as a decent backyard. I love my dogs but man are they monsters of destruction! I still have yet to get back into my spare room, its kind of taken a back seat to the more important fix ups that need to be handled, but I plan on getting in there this week. (hopefully)

My hard work has also seemed to reward my waistline, not so much the scale though. (I'm assuming my fat is being magically transformed back into muscle, which ironically is heavier.) I have a youth sized Bret Favre jersey I've been throwing on here and there to see if there is ever a difference and its seem to be getting "bigger" on me. Bigger is a little exaggerated since my boobs seem to take up half the jersey, but it sure isn't as tight as it was a month ago. I'm in no hurry to shed the weight I've seemed to stack on these last few years. I'm fully aware that it didn't pack on over night and its not going to unpack itself in the same matter. I want to make sure I balance out my eating and 'exercise' (I'm not sure the things I've been doing can be considered exercise, but you pull weeds for 9 hours, rake for 3, and tear down a fence for 2 and tell me you cant feel the burn...) so my fat turns into muscle instead of just wasting away leaving me with old lady saggy skin. Somehow with my fatness I've managed to keep my muscle nicely 'hidden' underneath it. The fact that the only real flab I carry is in my inner thighs is quite alright with me. Even if it is the hardest place to get rid of, it also happens to be the the easiest for me to hide. Ive never been fond of shorty shorts and I love the hell out of some dude's b-ball shorts so that makes it all the more better.

Although today was a little on the emotional side I've stayed positive and all around happy, enjoying the zest for life Ive been reacquainted with. Trent and I went to the driving range this weekend to try out my new driver and I think I might actually let him teach me some things and try golfing out. It would be nice to pick up a healthy hobby that takes place in the sunlight along with the indoor ones I've mastered. I don't know what he will think of it since golf is his dude time, but if its a biggie I don't mind just sticking with our trips to the driving range and finding something else. Ill take what I can get from him since it seems to be so much lately. I really find myself loving the man more and more everyday. He gives up and gives so much to me with little in return and I couldn't imagine for any other reason than he just flat out loves the hell out of me.

I guess that's about all for now. Every dog in a 1 mile radius is going nuts and my little Whiskey wants in his kennel so he can be a part of the madness.

Blotchy red cry faces and sober thoughts, Rachel